‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine
Fellow Elton John fans will recognize the post title right away. One of my all-time favorite EJ songs. It's always been a special song to me because first, I have a brother with this name, second, it was to be my name if I were a boy, third, it is the name of the person who probably understands me most in this world and then there's the last one....I always wanted a son named D--.
The week before we left our home for Russia, I had a strange spiritual experience. I was praying the rosary and was experiencing a kind of ecstasy that I have only experience maybe three or four times before in my life. It was the feeling of God's love completely enveloping me. And as I experienced this bliss, I had a vivid vision appear in my mind. I was suddenly in the music room at Nastia's orphanage, and Jesus was there with a little boy with fair hair and light eyes. He nudged the boy towards me and said 'This is your son, D--.'
Right then, the ecstasy stopped and I 'came to' and thought I had been dreaming. I let the experience go because I honestly didn't see myself adopting a boy. It just didn't fit into my plans.
Fast forward to the orphanage. We arrive and head inside, the camera people are in the hallway interviewing Nastia. I bring the bags into the music room in preparation. I am alone in there, until a little boy comes in and stands close enough to me to observe what I am doing. ' Privyet,' I say, 'Kak zavoot?'
'D--.' he answered hesitantly.
It took a moment to register, but then the 'vision' suddenly came back to me and I found myself now sitting in the very spot on the floor that I had been in the vision. I honestly got scared, and instinctively disengaged emotionally. I did not want to fall in love with another child. But D-- had other plans.
For the 2 days we were at the orphanage, He was my shadow. Didn't matter if I was outside walking with Nastia, inside in the girl's room, walking about taking photos, eating...wherever I went, there went D--. He stuck to me like glue, and was always staring up at my face with these big soulful eyes. When I would catch him staring, I would smile, and he would smile back and then shyly look away.
The second day, all the children were at school. Nastia wanted to go visit and walk the halls and tell me about her classrooms and teachers. We made the uphill trek and entered the school quietly, walking around. She whispered that she wanted to talk to me about something.
'Mom? I keep thinking about that kid D--. I think he's supposed to be my brother, but I don't know why.'
I had no spoken a word to her about him. This was completely out of the blue. As I stood there stunned, a door opened and a little boy ran out of his classroom and nearly knocked us over. It was D--.
Running into D-- in the school hallway
So, I don't have any answers for all these happenings. I leave it in God's hands, but have told Him that if He indeed wants me to be D's mother, that I say yes. I am not saying it is to be, only that I am fully open to God's desire for this little boy, whatever it may be. Who knows? But in the meantime, I pray for D-- and know I am at least meant to advocate for him. I honestly don't even know if he's available for adoption.
D-- has FASD..all the obvious physical signs, and I know many of you that read my blog raise FASD children and will write me many warnings. All I can say is, if God says He is mine in the end, God will give me the strength and wisdom to raise another special needs child. He worked miracles with Nastia. Who's to say another miracle isn't on the horizon?