Homesickness Rears Its' Ugly Head

I promised myself I would be as open and honest as possible in this blog. Sometimes it's tough, because I fear my honesty shows an ugly picture of who I am. I feel shamed admitting how homesick I am. It's like a disease. I don't want to feel this way, but the feeling keeps coming back, and it's sometimes debilitating.

The homesickness is worsened when Nastia and I are ill-treated. It just makes me miss the daily kindnesses we take for granted in America. Right now I am staring out my 4th floor window which overlooks the dumpsters to the most expensive residential building in all of Kemerovo. There is a parade of homeless  people that eat from these dumpsters every morning. I am tempted to run outside every morning and deliver them a hot breakfast, but as Nastia keeps telling me, " Mom, we cannot save all of Kemerovo. Remember who you came here for..."  And I hate to admit she's right.

Today I watched a very old woman try to hike herself over the side of the dumpster to get at the good stuff. She sat/stood in this dumpster for well over an hour picking out plastic bags and stuffing them in her pocket....choosing food that met her approval, and eating it....all while standing in a dumpster. Another man, encased in oil and soot, all black from god-knows-what  walked away with three bags of trash and a kitchen sink. I took photos . I'll post them later.

Nastia and I have sadly experienced our share of people going out of their way to be rude. Crossing a very busy street, we waited and waited for a chance to go. Finally a car stopped for us and the man waved us across -- until we were in front of his car. Then he lurched forward while leaning on the horn, which sent Nastia screaming, and he drove off laughing.

I don't even want to share the countless other stories we have like this, because #1, they are depressing and #2 they only serve to put this country in a bad light. I'm looking for goodness, I am. Svetlana has it is spades and I cannot even imagine being here without her help. But on the whole, people are wary, rude, abrasive and do not even want to acknowledge our presence. Neighbors included.

We comfort ourselves with tending to the homeless kitty population,  which seems to have its headquarters outside our building. We feed them scraps at night. They really are cute to watch. This is Nastia's #1 past time right now.

as for Anya, you may wonder why I have not said much about her. She is as well as is to be expected. she is struggling mightily to adapt to 'family' life. She does not understand about preparing for tomorrow -- only today. therefore, I am having to do what I did when Nastia came home -- only buying enough food for that day. If I try to buy for 2, 3 or 4 days at once, the food will be gone by morning. No amount of explaining will fix this. I've tried. The fear of going hungry is too deep.

She and Nastia have hit a wall this week, and are sending more time apart than together, but it is all part of the adjustment. I just try to have infinite patience with the process. I am slowly trying to introduce Anya to the concepts of sharing and also individual ownership. Also, slowly trying to get her to have better self-care habits ( teeth brushing, hair washing) but that is slow going at best. She is deeply depressed, and it is obvious. There is not much I can do but pray and love her, and hope I can find a great Russian-speaking therapist when we get back to the US.

guess that's enough for now. My toes are tired..lol. ( I have to stand tiptoe to reach any wifi out the window off the apt!)

Keep us in your prayers...