I've been praying a lot today, and listening for what God might have to say. He didn't send me any epiphany of Anya's imminent arrival, no confirmation that Daniel will be home soon, or that Anya will walk again, or that my business will survive, or that my health will strengthen - nothing of that sort. But what He did offer me was the nudge to write on my blog again, and to write about trusting Him even when you can't see Him or feel Him. Probably because I'm becoming an expert on that.
This week alone, I had three different people offer their sympathy for what I'm going through. 'I don't know how you do it.' one said. ' I'd have lost my faith by now!' one laughed. 'Don't you feel like you never catch a break?' queried another. Well, yes, sometimes I do feel that way, but then I turn to God in my despair (and obviously limited perspective) and ask Him to show me the truth of the matter. And He does.
True Faith, for some of us, must be hard-won, I think. I have friends who seem to come by it easily, but I never did. I always doubted and worried and bit my nails and second-guessed. I never really had true faith until I experienced times of total despair. In those times I had no choice but to hold on to what God promises. And you know what? He really, truly reaches out to us in those moments, if we reach towards Him. If we just say 'I give up, I can't do this alone', He hears that.
I'm truly at peace lately. I know something that I didn't know before. We don't have to sense God to know He's with us. We don't have to 'feel' supported or taken care of. We can just trust His word. I used to think that if I didn't sense God in my life, then He obviously wasn't there or had turned his back on me. Not true. Not true at all. Love is with us ALL. THE. TIME. He created us, He knows us, and, most importantly, He loves us beyond our wildest imaginings.
This is how I don't fall apart when I hit yet one more ridiculous obstacle in getting Anya here for treatment. This is how I don't lose my mind when Anya is skyping me, begging me to come be with her when I know I can't possibly get there. This is how I keep my sanity when Daniel is in tears on the phone, asking when he will see me again. I know that in the very roots of my pain and despair, is the One who loves me most. God is there, right there, in the midst of the despair, holding me together and ministering to the hearts of my children.
Do I wish God would just come out and tell me what to expect? Do I wish He would share the secret with me on when - or if - my children will ever be home? Yes. But I trust Him. There must be something He knows that I perhaps couldn't not comprehend or understand.
Back in the spring when Greg & Tesney Pearce Davis were fighting the Russian Supreme court to get their son here, I immediately felt called to pray for Kyrill. My heart felt burdened, knowing here was yet another child being kept from his family. I was devastated. I laid on my bed and cried and cried to God to allow a miracle to happen. Within no more than 5 minutes after I started praying for Kyrill, an internal voice, not my own, said 'Do not worry. He is coming home very soon.' It was so strong and so powerful that I immediately stopped crying and felt completely assured that the prayer was already answered. I knew in that moment that God had already heard the prayers of Kyrill's parents and others, and there was no doubt in my mind that the judge would rule in their favor. Kyrill is home right now as I write this...flourishing in every way.
I'm not sure why I share this little story with you, except to show that sometimes it seems that God communicates with others about our situations. Our faith may be buoyed up by others sharing the weight of our pain. God loves community. God loves to see a shared burden. God encourages us to reach out and hold hands in our pain, not lock ourselves away.
So, I'm continuing to hope that Anya will be here under our roof sooner rather than later, despite over six years of 'No.' I'm continuing to believe that Daniel will be cuddled upstairs in his waiting bed before too long, even though the current climate in Kemerovo adoptions says otherwise. And every day I'm trusting the One Who created Me, to meet all my needs, even as I see my business floundering more every day. It's not my job to worry, it's my job to keep offering myself up to be His hands and feet in others' lives, while I trust Him with mine.