Where Is Anya In All This

Blessed asked about an update on Anya's mental/emotional state. I realized I've been very quiet about her lately without meaning to. I wish I could share the whole story here, but it's not fair to her. But suffice it to say, Anya continues to make very poor choices for herself, and runs from us when the love feels too real.

I realize that I was very naive about the depth of Anya's trauma. She is a very damaged girl and sadly has no one advocating for her here but me. If I had to guess I'd say she suffers from bi-polar disorder, but I am no psychiatrist. She just manifests all the classic symptoms, and knowing a few people who suffer with it at home, it just seems to fit. Of course, it could be that her brain is so damaged from the years of neglect and abuse that she simply has similar behaviors, while not having the biological basis for it. I'll never know, likely.

Anya is as complex as they come. No matter how I try to explain her history to others, very few seem to get how crippled she is -- emotionally, mentally, socially, cognitively -- she simply does not have a brain that works like most of ours do. On top of that she has many symptoms of agoraphobia. I have a family member who has had it my whole life, so I lived it firsthand. Anya is terrified, absolutely physically nauseated, by new environments and experiences. She dissociates completely.

When I think of how best to describe her to someone, the first thing that comes to mind is a wild animal that has been injured and doesn't want you near them. Her 'fight or flight'  mechanism is stuck in 'flight' mode and she runs at the slightest whiff of danger. Love is foreign and therefore dangerous, so this up close and personal attention from us is simply more than she can handle.

Sadly, my attempts at bringing her home with us have failed. I am sorry I cannot blog about all the paths we have tried, but I've been advised not to and I'm keeping my word. But trust me when I say every single stone has been upturned to find her a way home with us. But the way our immigration laws stand, there is simply no way for her to enter the US till many many years from now. Everyone has tried, and I do mean everyone. But the law is the law, and it seems no one is above this one.

It's time to let go. I do not say 'give up' because I could never possibly give up on her. But living here has proved futile. It is impossible to help her here, because she runs. And because her former life is here. There is no escaping it. If she were to come home to the US with us, she would have therapy and all kinds of help from sources that would make a difference. They simply don't exist in this part of the world.

I dream of the day that Anya is home with us. I have dreamt that dream for exactly 5 years next week. But it is simply not to be. We live in a broken world where doing the right thing is not always easily accomplished. Mercy, true mercy, is in short supply down here. But I trust that my thousands upon thousands of prayers, and your thousands and thousands, will keep Anya safe while we are apart. That is all I can do.

And so, Nastia and I leave in 2 weeks, empty-handed. Yes, we have accomplished alot while we've been here, but not the one thing we set out to do. It is deeply painful  and agonizing to both of us, but so is much of this life. I am lucky -- I know that some day the pain will be a distant memory. My heart and soul cling to tha knowledge as we walk away from Anya. Someday this will all be over and we will be together, one family under one celestial roof.

 I wait in joyful hope for that day.