‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I Don't Want to Go Home

I really don't. I'm heartsick over leaving. I want to stay for so many reasons, and I feel selfish for feeling this way, because I'm getting so many sweet emails from home from friends who actually miss me. But I know I am going to crash when I get there -- mentally and emotionally -- and I'd rather just stay here and make a difference, if it's alright with everyone.

But it's not. It's not alright with Nastia. I thank God that she has a terrible sense of time and I can stretch out time here closer to December 1st with her being none-the-wiser. I'm sure that sounds terribly mean to some mothers out there, but she really will not know if I don't tell her. I told her we are leaving earlier, so I'm hoping I can stretch it out until the 30th. That's still earlier right?

It's just that when I think of leaving I feel so incredibly sad and anxious. What will Anya do? Will D be ok till I come back for him? Will Ksusha feel loved even though I can't call her every day? Will anyone visit the kids at the orphanage? The answer to most of these is a resounding 'no' and that is why I grieve this leaving.

I spoke to D tonight. He keeps asking when I'm coming back. Nadezhda, the Director, says he stops by her office every day to ask if she's heard from me and when I will come for him. new level of heartbreak since I've committed to him. I ache to have him with me now. I know every adoptive mom knows how I feel -- the waiting, the waiting is a form of torture, and no one else understands it. You have to understand that to me he is already my son, and so leaving him feels like I am abandoning him. I dream about him, I think about him every day, and I cannot wait to see him in just a few days! I'll savor every second.

Anya went to her friend's house overnight. I know it is because she is starting to pull back from us. It's too hard to be here with us when she knows this is all at an end. Maybe I'll be able to afford doing it again next year, but I've got months of work to make up for first. This was a rare gift, but it's coming to a close. How I wish that were not the case.

For those of you who are awaiting answers from me to an email, comment or skype message -- please be patient. I am sorry -- I took on too much and am paying for it now. Between being sick, teaching, planning the hosting program, keeping in touch with all the kids at the orphanage, advocating for Ksusha,  caring for Nastia & Anya, shopping for the orphanage......well, you get the picture. I'm in over my head this week and it will take a few days to catch up. Everything is a priority -- how do you choose to let one thing go when all are important and all are craving and needing your attention?

Well, headed to bed as I'm working tomorrow after a few days off due to the flu. Then a meeting Saturday about our hosting program AND my adoption of D -- both on the same day! Then Monday, back to the orphanage. I'm counting the minutes, till I see this guy again......


  1. k -- i don't need to hear from you, these blog posts are more than enough. take care of yourself and all you need to do! for you and for nas. can you tell nastia that you have plane tickets ON a certain day and they cannot be changed/altered? that will give her a target/focus date to hang her hat on.

    i do have some rebel questions for you but those can certainly WAIT until YOU are ready to talk rebel. focus on russia. focus on what you have to do. and .... yeah. just do what you need to do.

    get some rest girl.


  2. Keri, I am wondering if the orphanage can set up a skype link for you so you can talk directly to Daniel and the other kids. As a mom who was stuck in the 2005 shutdown, I understand just a little bit of that knot in your stomach and how hard it is to breathe every time you think about your babies (i use this term for children ages 0-100). You also have to take care of yourself. I know that isn't a priority but when you take on soo much sometimes you crash really hard, so, I sincerely hope that you will allow yourself physical and spiritual healing that will help you to continue the great work you are doing. Hugs!

  3. Prayers from the Crazy American Lady who bawled her eyes out very loudly in the Greek Restaurant Rest Stop somewhere between Serov and Ekaterinburg the last visit of trip one, not knowing when I would be able to go back and get my baby. I understand....peace to you

  4. Everything you are doing is so important to so many....but you are only one person, so beat yourself up over what you CANT do...youve done so much....you are a blessing.

  5. We are really fine with your blog reports and we wish you could stay where your heart is but Nastia is important too and has you between a rock and a hard place as the saying goes. Enjoy all you can while you can & remember that we are here for you.

  6. He is a doll! Is Ksusha one of the children coming to the US in your hosting program? If so, I hope she gets hosted with a family in a position to meet her upcoming deadlines. I feel your pain over leaving. I pray Anaya begins to pick her way through what she is going to do. I hope she begins to look at her options even if it means moving to a city with a better economy within Russia.

  7. You have accomplished so much! Unbelievable.

  8. K- All you are doing is such an inspiration! Your blog posts are communication enough! I can only imagine how hard it would be to leave your child... Take care of yourself.

  9. You poor Mama, pulled between two far away worlds, with the needs of your children on either end. That skype idea is a great one--if the orphanage has the capability.

    Would you please write more about Anya's mental health if you have a chance and it is not too painful? You came to Russia because you were so concerned about her. How do you feel this time together has helped her? Can you give specific things your praying readers can lift up before God?

  10. Keri, I know I've said it before but every time I read posts like this from you I feel the need to say it again: You are, by far, one of the strongest and most incredibly selfless women I've ever known. You amaze me. I truly hope and pray that God will bless you greatly for what you are doing.


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