But it's not. It's not alright with Nastia. I thank God that she has a terrible sense of time and I can stretch out time here closer to December 1st with her being none-the-wiser. I'm sure that sounds terribly mean to some mothers out there, but she really will not know if I don't tell her. I told her we are leaving earlier, so I'm hoping I can stretch it out until the 30th. That's still earlier right?
It's just that when I think of leaving I feel so incredibly sad and anxious. What will Anya do? Will D be ok till I come back for him? Will Ksusha feel loved even though I can't call her every day? Will anyone visit the kids at the orphanage? The answer to most of these is a resounding 'no' and that is why I grieve this leaving.
I spoke to D tonight. He keeps asking when I'm coming back. Nadezhda, the Director, says he stops by her office every day to ask if she's heard from me and when I will come for him. new level of heartbreak since I've committed to him. I ache to have him with me now. I know every adoptive mom knows how I feel -- the waiting, the waiting is a form of torture, and no one else understands it. You have to understand that to me he is already my son, and so leaving him feels like I am abandoning him. I dream about him, I think about him every day, and I cannot wait to see him in just a few days! I'll savor every second.
Anya went to her friend's house overnight. I know it is because she is starting to pull back from us. It's too hard to be here with us when she knows this is all at an end. Maybe I'll be able to afford doing it again next year, but I've got months of work to make up for first. This was a rare gift, but it's coming to a close. How I wish that were not the case.
For those of you who are awaiting answers from me to an email, comment or skype message -- please be patient. I am sorry -- I took on too much and am paying for it now. Between being sick, teaching, planning the hosting program, keeping in touch with all the kids at the orphanage, advocating for Ksusha, caring for Nastia & Anya, shopping for the orphanage......well, you get the picture. I'm in over my head this week and it will take a few days to catch up. Everything is a priority -- how do you choose to let one thing go when all are important and all are craving and needing your attention?
Well, headed to bed as I'm working tomorrow after a few days off due to the flu. Then a meeting Saturday about our hosting program AND my adoption of D -- both on the same day! Then Monday, back to the orphanage. I'm counting the minutes, till I see this guy again......