I Do NOT Understand This World

I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being a mess today. I try to keep my thoughts of Dasha at arm's length  for the moment, because when I do allow myself to think of her, I truly cannot stop crying. I know I'm not alone. Hundreds of other host parents are going through the same thing right now. but most of them have the advantage of knowing they are adopting their host child - - I don't.

But I'm committed to trusting God on this one. He's giving me great comfort today, and also a sense of peace - as if maybe she's going to end up with us after all? I don't know how that is possible, but that is my greatest wish. I hope it is true, because Nastia is inconsolable. She wept and wept yesterday after we got home from the airport. That might seem expected, but its not. For a child with RAD, this is a HUGE breakthrough.  I have never seen my daughter cry about missing anyone except me. This is new territory for her.

"Mom, I miss her too much. It hurts! I don't like it! I feel empty!" this came from my daughter who for the first three years home could not articulate a feeling. If she felt, she raged. She threw things and hurt herself or me. She is only now learning how to give voice to her feelings. But this time with Dasha has propelled her forward like nothing else. She has truly grown emotionally in ways I have never seen before. Love heals.

So, yesterday I comforted a grieving teenager for many hours. She eventually fell asleep in my arms. She had bad dreams about her orphanage, and woke up many times in the night. (We still co-sleep more often than not.) This morning I had to go have dental work done, and when I came home hours later with a 'droopy face', she broke down in tears. Again, unlike her.

"You don't look like you! I'm scared!" and again she fell in my arms crying. I knew this wasn't about me. And sure enough, after a few minutes, she was crying deeper and telling me, " I want to see Dasha. Please, mom, I want my sister back..."

Some of you reading this might think I am an idiot for hosting in the first place - why put my daughter and myself through such pain? But I disagree wholeheartedly with you.

  I disagree 146 million times over. 

We all need to climb out of out self-imposed stupors, our damned American comfort zone, and DO something. Yes, it hurts. It hurts to care. It hurts to suffer for someone else. It is painful and uncomfortable, and also...

 The most worthy thing we can possibly do while on this earth.

Your house will pass away, your clothes, your annual vacations to Disney world and the Caribbean, your designer bags, your hair extensions, your nights out drinking with your buddies, your primetime tv hours, your hairdressing appts, your shopping sprees, your wrinkle creams and your manicures. All of this stupid, stupid stupid stuff just eats away at the most important part of you!  It kills you.

I don't know about you, but I want to be alive in the fullest sense while I am allotted my time here. I want to always  push past my comfort zone and past my fears and worries, and DO something. That's all we really have. We have our minds, our hearts and our willingness to make a difference. There are over 146 million children in the world who wait this very minute you are reading this for someone to get out of their comfy chair, turn off the tv and computer and find them.

This world makes me sick. I don't get it. I don't get how people can buy their fancy cars and eat at fancy restaurants and buy those giant houses and buy those designer clothes...all the while knowing there are others in need in the world  RIGHT NOW. I am grateful that I believe in something greater. I am grateful that those things hold no appeal for me at all. I am humbled and grateful that at the end of my life, I will feel spent. Can you imagine a greater feeling on your deathbed?  I can't.

Here's a little photo reminder of what is TRULY important in this world. Put down your iphone, your ipod, your gameboys, your mall shopping lists, your wads of unspent cash burning in your wallets. Go find someone who needs you. And give THEM what you have.