‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Anonymous 'Attack'

I received the comment posted below (pasted here in red) on my blog tonight.  Anonymous says something I did was 'grossly inappropriate'. I would argue that posting a comment like this to someone in obvious pain is 'grossly inappropriate.' Not sure what provoked you to be so thoughtless.

Anyway, I know I have enough friends reading this that I don't have to post a response myself just now. My reder-friends can explain things to you, "Anonymous' while I go comfort my still-grieving daughter. But I must say this:  You have no idea what you are talking about.  I did not host with the expectation of falling in love and no - sorry -  there were no couples waiting to host her - if I didn't host her, she would not have come this year. I was the last resort, and I did so because something about her profile grabbed at my heart - I could at least advocate for her, even if I wasn't eligible to adopt her. I could also give her a beautiful, magical, unforgettable summer in a family - loads better than spending it at an orphanage, wouldn't you think, Anonymous? 

D was described by the hosting organization as being a handful to begin with. Not many families go out of there way to host a 'handful.' I knew that my experience with RAD and PTSD might be a good thing for D, given her bio. My daughter and I gave her the experience of a lifetime...five weeks of unconditional love. She will be stronger for it. I know that in my heart.

As for your suggestion of 'moving on'...i'm sorry, are you human? have you ever suffered a loss in your life?. Anyone who would write something that heartless when we are grieving is not someone who will hear what I have to say anyway. Your heart is closed, it seems to me.  I can only guess that there must be some deep, unresolved hurt in your life for you to be so hurtful to someone you do not even know. (But in case you do feel some remorse, I want to let you know I forgive you. I've lashed out at people for no reason before, too. We all do it.) 

To my friends, here is the comment that broke my heart tonight:

You knew that Ukrainian adoption was not a possibility for you. The unfortunate thing here is that a young girl was shown a world that is not possible for her. And, while I don't know the details of the hosting process, I would venture to guess that there were participating couples who could have had a chance to host AND pursue the adoption of D. Whether in jest or not, I find your including D in the conversation about "husband shopping" to be grossly inappropriate. I suggest for you and your daughter to move on.

Night all.  Thank you, to those of you who care and are supportive. Nastia and I are deeply grateful.

D with her beloved "Chesky'.


  1. You are a better person than I to be able to forgive a comment such as that. Obiviously they have never lost someone so dear to them wether they are with you 5 years, 5 months, 5 weeks, 5 days or 5 minutes. I hope that your good news brought everyone near to you a little peace and a smile. My heart hurts for all of you.

  2. note: just to be safe I just went to my statcounter/feedjit acct and wrote down the commenter's ISP and hometown, since she was the only one on my blog at the time she posted. Always feel safer knowing where these anonymous posters are from. When we had the online 'stalker' 4 years ago we were able to get the person's full identity through their ISP via a hacker friend. It pays to be wary...

  3. Please don't let someone boorishness color your day. I am sure your love for Dasha was not in vain.

  4. Anonymous10:41 PM

    I do not understand, at all, how someone could say such a thing to such a beautiful soul. I can only guess that they are simply ignorant, heartless and have no idea what it means to make a difference in someones life.

    If anything, you and Nastia were the BEST thing that could have happened to Dasha. You opened your hearts and your home to that beautiful little girl. If anything, you gave her HOPE and LOVE that she will forever have now. YOU ARE HER FAMILY. Even if she is not with you, she KNOWS how much you BOTH love her, cherish her and want nothing more than for her to be with you. Can you imagine what sort of HOPE that would give a child who has been through what she has, to know that out there, in this vast world we live in, there are two wonderful people, not to mention all of the others that have fallen in love with her, that are praying for her, loving her and wanting her. To feel wanted and to feel loved is the greatest gift you could have given her. She knows you are out there now, she knows that it is possible and that there is so much beautiful in world now because of YOU.

    If I were you, I would go under my settings and not allow comments from anonymous senders. Because, honestly, you don't need and you certainly DO NOT deserve the numerous posts you have made about these ignorant, no-name, shameful, ignorant, anonymous commenter. You need SUPPORT and ENCOURAGEMENT.

    Knowing that ANYONE can read your blog, know what you are going through and what you have done for Nastia and Dasha and post ANYTHING negative enrages me. You are truly an inspiration to me! You are a beautiful, strong, loving soul and this world needs more people just like YOU, making a difference in this cold world.

    Sorry, I guess I sort of ranted. . . haha. Either way, my thoughts are you with you. I hope as the days go by, the clouds disperse and let the sunshine rain down on you. Do not grieve for what is gone, rejoice for the difference you have made in her life and the difference you will continue to make. She will always be yours and God-willing, will be back with you before you know it!

  5. Just let it go. Some people need constant drama in their lives. I dare say they have no idea what drama really is. Some people have no tact. Some people are so hurt and broken themselves that they don't know how to do anything but dish that out themselves. I personally answer to a much higher judge and I know you do, too. Let His peace rest in your heart and pray it rests with this person, too.

  6. I suppose in following that logic, foster children should only be placed in homes with dysfunctional parenting or high levels of poverty... for fear that they might "be shown a world not available to them".

  7. What a grotesque thing to say. I am so sorry Keri. Dasha is a dream, alittle RADish dream perhaps but a sweet one. :) As a fellow RAD Mom, I can safely say that any other host family would have run for the hills before you even implemented the first day of therapuetic parenting skills. So back it up anonymous. You dont know the half of it.

  8. I am pissed. Sorry but there is no other word for it. That should have never been posted! I read it to my husband and he agreed. That "Anonymous" doesn't have a clue. You are an angel and showed Dasha angels exist and people DO care. Bless you for having a heart unlike "anonymous" who didn't even have the guts to post their name.

    (climbimg off my soap box now)

  9. Samantha, thank you. I took your advice and disabled anonymous comments. you're right that I dont need those kinds of comments. I understand them come from a place of either pain or rage, but they still hurt. Sending that commenter prayers tonight, and hoping her hurting heart heals, too.

  10. Hey! Just got an inspiration! Maybe Anonymous had an ulterior motive...get all of you to write lovely things about me and make me feel great...because THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING...LOL!
    I love all of you, real and cyber friends alike.
    You inspire me to keep on trudging forward and up towards the light!

  11. Anonymous11:41 PM

    You are more than welcome Keri! I meant every single word I said. When you are feeling up to it, I would love for you to do a guest post on a blog on your experience with Nastia and Dasha. The world can learn a lot from you and I've love to spread the word! ♥ Sending positive thoughts your way.

  12. I hope to change the fact we've never met, someday...

    As for Anonymous, she had better hope she never meets me, because I would have a *lot* to say....

  13. The practical-me wanted to suggest, too, to disable anonymous comments. Apparently the person already knew that what they were saying was mean or they would have posted with their name. But I see someone already suggested that to you.

    The "other" me (and no, I don't have some dual personality disorder) just wants to give you a hug. With all you are going through a comment like that is really the last thing you needed. Some people are so insensitive & cruel, it blows my mind every time.

    Much love to you.

  14. Thats funny that person would post such a thing, although I do believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion, because I was remembering last night, after reading your post, the people I've met in my life even for a brief moment, who left such an impact with maybe just one kind word, one gesture, that they have probably long since forgotten.
    And how we impact those around us with our words, our actions and that you have made such a deep impact on Dasha that I am sure she will never forget. You know how there are little moments in your own life that you hang on to as though they were precious jewels, an ever so often you pull them out in your memory and roll them around and relive them and just feel the kindness all over again, the warmth, the love. Dasha has a huge treasure trove of precious jewels from her time with you.

  15. Like Ashley, I hope us cyber-friends get to meet you some day. It would be an honor. You do not deserve the hurtful comments posted by anonymous cowards. God is watching over you and your 3 girls and I truly believe you will be rewarded 10-fold for the good you bring to this world. Hugs....

  16. PS: Looking forward to hearing about the good news and good day you were originally planning to post about. :-)

  17. I can always see everyone's point of view; and while this person spoke in a hurtful, way, I can see that at heart they are hurting for Dasha. But it is clear to me that YOU were INTENDED for Dasha. I agree with you; I do not think ANY other family would have hung in there for her....let alone continue to adore her! She reminded me so much of our Nastya, who was ejected from her first and second host families as they had not signed on for tantrums....and they were experienced adoptive parents, too.

    If anyone could make a success of adopting Dasha, I firmly believe it is you.

    And...to say she shouldn't have come, is like saying every parent who takes their child on a vacation is showing them a world they will never have. Crazy....if that were the case - who would travel? We don't visit a castle, or a seashore, or a mountain park and think we shouldn't have gone because we are unhappy to return to our own, less beautiful, reality.

    Plus, it needs to be clarified that the children are never told they are coming to find an adoptive family. They come for a visit. I think that some children get the IDEA that it will work out that way, but it is totally against the rules to articulate it.

  18. You are truly the bigger person. Learning to forgive and let go are not easy feats, but you seem to have them mastered. I am thoroughly impressed and so glad I found your blog. It's true that people do tend to lash out when they are hurting. Misery loves company. Sad, but true.

  19. I have been checking in and following your story but haven't commented yet to tell you how sad I was about this. Miracles are worth praying for so don't give up.

    Sorry you had an unkind and less than helpful comment. ~Kari

  20. I hope I've finally managed to get myself set up here so that I can post as myself and not as "Anonymous" - I certainly don't want to confuse anybody & I don't want anybody thinking I'm the person who posted such a thoughtless and hurtful thing. I've always tried to sign my posts in the body of the post itself. But hopefully I've got this figured out now!

    I do believe that people sometimes need hope even more than they need food to survive. I know you well enough (even though I only know you online) to know that you didn't host Dasha out of selfishness, and that you didn't deprive her of an opportunity to be hosted by someone who is in a better legal posture to be able to adopt her. I do believe that it is a choice you made that some other people might have made a different decision about if they had been in your place, though. But I think it's not for any of us to substitute our judgment for yours about that.

    What you did in hosting Dasha was a brave and loving thing to do, and how can choosing to love be wrong?

    Clearly this person doesn't know what they're talking about when they think there are "ideal" couples out there waiting in line to host and adopt. They are clueless.


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