I'm feeling sick to my stomach writing this. So sad. So very sad. A new level of heartbroken.
Dasha is upstairs cudding with Nastia. She begged us to hide her in a closet and put a doll that looked like her on the plane instead. All day she was handing me the phone begging me to "call a Papa, find a Papa".
How do you say goodbye to someone who feels like your own flesh and blood daughter? How do you give her hope, but not false hope? Dasha is adamant that she will be back with us at Christmas. I told her it was not a sure thing and that it was up to other people, not us. She said she will not go with anyone. "I will run away." she added. "They will never find me" She begged me to buy a house in Ukraine and just adopt her there. I explained that the laws were still the same -- single moms cannot adopt children from Ukraine. She says she will talk to the president of Ukraine herself. She says she will move to a different county. " I will walk" she says " I will walk out of Ukraine."
In a very uncomfortable twist of fate, an interested family called tonight to learn more about Dasha, just as I was sitting down to write this. I tried soooo hard to be polite, but I think I was pretty curt. The woman would not stop asking questions, even when I told her I wanted time to say goodbye to Dasha. " But I need to talk to you now!" She insisted. " I don't want anyone else getting her before me!" Lady - I wanted to say - she is not a front row seat at your favorite venue. But instead I said I'd call her back.
It's our last night with her. It feels sacred. It was incredibly hard to get a call like that when we're trying to say goodbye. I'll be in better shape to talk to her after a few days. I want Dasha to have a family, of course I do... but I can't help feeling tonight like she is meant to be with us, somehow, someway.
Today she cuddled up in my arms in the morning. "I love you, Mama." She said in English. "Please you come Ukraine...." She added. I think the look on my face told her of the impossibility of that. " PLEASE PLEASE..." She added. Please please please."
Today she called a great many people to say goodbye. She talked to my mom on the phone for at least 45 minutes. In Russian..lol. She ended with five full minutes of "Grammy, I love you. Please come Ukraine. Please?'
I can hear her crying upstairs now, so I need to go.
Hugs to you and all your girls Keri! Think of ya'll and praying for the path to illuminate before you.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you tonight. May God grant you all the strength to get through this.
ReplyDeleteUgh! I want to write something comforting to you but there is probably not much that can be said to help. Good luck.
Praying hard, Keri... I wish there were something I could do..
ReplyDeleteSniff.
ReplyDeleteSigh.
(((Hugs.)))
That is so sad. That sweet little girl. Why why why does life have to be so heart breaking? I will pray for your miracle.
ReplyDeleteOh,you dear, I am so sorry. My heart was breaking to say good-bye to my kids and I knew, or trusted, that I would see them again. God's will be done.
ReplyDeleteI hope things work out for you...it is so very sad, you're right.
ReplyDeleteA family member of mine posted your blog on her facebook and I decided to take a look at it and I fell in love with your story. My aunt is also hosting a child and even though I have only met her twice I didn't want her to leave. Your blog helped me cope a bit with the loss of her.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
My heart breaks for you. I wish I had words to add for comfort. I pray for you daily and I have never met you. Know that you are in our thoughts and if we could help we would. She should be with you.
ReplyDelete