I'm feeling sick to my stomach writing this. So sad. So very sad. A new level of heartbroken.
Dasha is upstairs cudding with Nastia. She begged us to hide her in a closet and put a doll that looked like her on the plane instead. All day she was handing me the phone begging me to "call a Papa, find a Papa".
How do you say goodbye to someone who feels like your own flesh and blood daughter? How do you give her hope, but not false hope? Dasha is adamant that she will be back with us at Christmas. I told her it was not a sure thing and that it was up to other people, not us. She said she will not go with anyone. "I will run away." she added. "They will never find me" She begged me to buy a house in Ukraine and just adopt her there. I explained that the laws were still the same -- single moms cannot adopt children from Ukraine. She says she will talk to the president of Ukraine herself. She says she will move to a different county. " I will walk" she says " I will walk out of Ukraine."
In a very uncomfortable twist of fate, an interested family called tonight to learn more about Dasha, just as I was sitting down to write this. I tried soooo hard to be polite, but I think I was pretty curt. The woman would not stop asking questions, even when I told her I wanted time to say goodbye to Dasha. " But I need to talk to you now!" She insisted. " I don't want anyone else getting her before me!" Lady - I wanted to say - she is not a front row seat at your favorite venue. But instead I said I'd call her back.
It's our last night with her. It feels sacred. It was incredibly hard to get a call like that when we're trying to say goodbye. I'll be in better shape to talk to her after a few days. I want Dasha to have a family, of course I do... but I can't help feeling tonight like she is meant to be with us, somehow, someway.
Today she cuddled up in my arms in the morning. "I love you, Mama." She said in English. "Please you come Ukraine...." She added. I think the look on my face told her of the impossibility of that. " PLEASE PLEASE..." She added. Please please please."
Today she called a great many people to say goodbye. She talked to my mom on the phone for at least 45 minutes. In Russian..lol. She ended with five full minutes of "Grammy, I love you. Please come Ukraine. Please?'