God is good. I have to cling to that. God IS good. He has proven it to me again and again in my life -- through many dark times. And even though He seems even indifferent when I suffer the waiting for Anya, I know it is only my limited understanding that says 'indifference'. Silence doesn't mean indifference. It could mean a great many things. I just need to continue to be patient and hopeful and trusting.
Each night I remind myself that, although the facts may point to no, we could still be D's family someday. I leave it in God's hands. If He decides we are not the family for her, I plead for Him to give me the strength to let her go. It's already impossible to imagine saying goodbye to her. I honestly do not know how we'll do it. Luckily we have mentors and support within the hosting program to help -- families who have 'been there/done that'. I'll surely be leaning on their wisdom in the weeks to come.
Anyway, my earlier post was so miserable, I wanted to show the other side of the coin. Even when things are that bad (and they really were pretty horrible today), I know that there is a purpose in all suffering, big and small, and my job is to trust. To try to be at peace, and to trust.
And I'm really reading this ony shortly afer you postd it!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure you cheered me up. It is all insanity. WHY does it have to be so hard? Why are there children in the world who want parents, and parents who want them, and no way to get them together? At least not easily.
But, God writes straigt with crooked lines. That's all I can think. Your Anastasia, like mine, has to learn that love is not finite....not even mere human love. Hearts can open to take more in. It is so sad that our girls have such a hard time understanding the power of love.
For now this "visit" may seem more like a reprisal of abandonment for Dasha, but I just have to believe that love cannnot miss its mark. Eventually, her time and experiences here, and the love poured out on her will prove a blessing, a sweetness, a little jewel in the memories of her childhood...whether or not she comes back to you.
Though, I'm thinking....I hope someone can work it out! If you can take her level of energy, more power to you!
And, maybe
Hm... if the first part came through... I was going to say that perhaps Dasha can help Anastasia work out this idea of hermom being able to love more than one girl....before she shares you more completely with Anya. Because however much she loves Anya, she probably has some fears on that score, too....
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