‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Gratitude in the Midst of Pain

It is painful to see my daughter so confused and so insecure about my love.....love I have showered her in for five years...love that is so incredibly obvious that it is difficult for me to fathom how she could ever question it. And yet in the midst of the pain, I am so very grateful to be a mom - her mom. It is also just as painful to see D trying to make sense of her time here. Why isn't this my forever mom? Why can't I just stay here forever if I want to? Why did Nastia get adopted and not me? It makes me sick to my stomach, literally, to see her suffering what we all know to be the complete insanity of our world. And yet, in the midst of the pain, I am so very grateful to have met D and to be given the opportunity to mother her for the time we have. 

God is good. I have to cling to that. God IS good. He has proven it to me again and again in my life -- through many dark times. And even though He seems even indifferent when I suffer the waiting for Anya, I know it is only my limited understanding that says 'indifference'. Silence doesn't mean indifference. It could mean a great many things. I just need to continue to be patient and hopeful and trusting.

Each night I remind myself that, although the facts may point to no, we could still be D's family someday. I leave it in God's hands. If He decides we are not the family for her, I plead for Him to give me the strength to let her go. It's already impossible to imagine saying goodbye to her. I honestly do not know how we'll do it. Luckily we have mentors and support within the hosting program to help -- families who have 'been there/done that'. I'll surely be leaning on their wisdom in the weeks to come.

Anyway, my earlier post was so miserable, I wanted to show the other side of the coin. Even when things are that bad (and they really were pretty horrible today), I know that there is a purpose in all suffering, big and small, and my job is to trust. To try to be at peace, and to trust. 


  1. And I'm really reading this ony shortly afer you postd it!
    I'm not sure you cheered me up. It is all insanity. WHY does it have to be so hard? Why are there children in the world who want parents, and parents who want them, and no way to get them together? At least not easily.

    But, God writes straigt with crooked lines. That's all I can think. Your Anastasia, like mine, has to learn that love is not finite....not even mere human love. Hearts can open to take more in. It is so sad that our girls have such a hard time understanding the power of love.

    For now this "visit" may seem more like a reprisal of abandonment for Dasha, but I just have to believe that love cannnot miss its mark. Eventually, her time and experiences here, and the love poured out on her will prove a blessing, a sweetness, a little jewel in the memories of her childhood...whether or not she comes back to you.

    Though, I'm thinking....I hope someone can work it out! If you can take her level of energy, more power to you!

    And, maybe

  2. Hm... if the first part came through... I was going to say that perhaps Dasha can help Anastasia work out this idea of hermom being able to love more than one girl....before she shares you more completely with Anya. Because however much she loves Anya, she probably has some fears on that score, too....


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