God is good. I have to cling to that. God IS good. He has proven it to me again and again in my life -- through many dark times. And even though He seems even indifferent when I suffer the waiting for Anya, I know it is only my limited understanding that says 'indifference'. Silence doesn't mean indifference. It could mean a great many things. I just need to continue to be patient and hopeful and trusting.
Each night I remind myself that, although the facts may point to no, we could still be D's family someday. I leave it in God's hands. If He decides we are not the family for her, I plead for Him to give me the strength to let her go. It's already impossible to imagine saying goodbye to her. I honestly do not know how we'll do it. Luckily we have mentors and support within the hosting program to help -- families who have 'been there/done that'. I'll surely be leaning on their wisdom in the weeks to come.
Anyway, my earlier post was so miserable, I wanted to show the other side of the coin. Even when things are that bad (and they really were pretty horrible today), I know that there is a purpose in all suffering, big and small, and my job is to trust. To try to be at peace, and to trust.