Yucky, awful, painful, overwhelming, disappointing day. Wouldn't even know where to start in telling you about it. All the intentions were good. I managed to get Dasha to the local Russian Orthodox church, as she has asked. But someone there made the mistake of asking her how long she had left in America, and from that point on it was hell. She was grieving and it was just heartbreaking to watch.
I just feel so very distraught about the pain inside Dasha. Pain deep enough to cause her to do as much physical damage to me as possible when she is angry.
I did my absolute BEST to keep her safe today (and me safe) but the angrier she gets, the more she lashes out. She lashes out at whatever is closest. She managed to get in two really hard bites to my hand today, and hit me with a piece of wood hard enough to cause a lump on my head. Lest you think I'm neglectful -- like how could she possibly get a piece of wood if you were watching her closely -- she grabbed it from the ground outside in the yard when I was picking her up to keep her from hurling any more rocks at the dog.
My hand stings. It's swollen like a bee sting where she bit me. The dogs are wary of her now. She is so loving to them most of the time, but when she is hurting, she hurts them. And then her guilt afterwards is just too huge for her. She lies on them telling them how sorry she is. 'I am bad, you are good!' she tells them over and over.
But the good of the day? She reached resolution after I held her before bedtime. I rocked her for a good 40 minutes and sang while she hummed. When I was done, she looked at me for the longest time and just traced my face with her finger.
I cannot help but hope for a better tomorrow for her.