‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Without Words

I am without words these days. I have struggled these past few weeks with what to post. I've been straddling two worlds -- in one I am quite joyful and very much at peace, and in the other my sorrow at being separated from those I love is holding me hostage.

I like to be inspiring. I like to uplift others and give them a reason to feel joyful. So, when I am struggling myself, I find it difficult to share it. It's not pride, and it's not embarrassment. It's that I simply hate bringing other people down or adding to the unhappiness in the world. And it's ok -- I have my God to turn to. I don't need to share it per se, but I feel guilty not explaining myself. So I'll try.

I'm feeling very pensive and sad these past few weeks. I miss Anya. I miss D. I miss all the kids at the orphanage. And, if I'm perfectly honest -- I miss Dasha a whole lot, too. My thoughts circle to each of them throughout the day. I think of times I shared with them, I pray for them, I imagine what each of them are doing in this moment in time. And I cry.

I'm waiting for the sadness to lift, but it hasn't. I'm not wallowing, and I'm not being overly sentimental. I simply love them so much and so deeply that being separated from all of them at once feels like I'm missing a limb, or a good chunk of my heart. It probably doesn't help that Nastia has been away this week.

So, my question is, what does God want us to do when we miss someone this much? What are we to do with the pain? I lay it at His feet. I ask Him for peace over and over again. But, as for right now, the pain still stays. It actually feels like a heavy rock lodged in my chest. It's stuck there and I can't seem to get it to move.

So, I may not blog much for a bit. I don't want to fill the air with empty words. I don't want to speak just because. When my heart feels on fire again, I'll write. For now, I am guessing God is calling me to silence, inward and outward. But I hope He speaks soon.


  1. ((Hugs!!)) So sorry to hear you are hurting so much. :-( One thing I do know about pain is that God doesn't want us to wallow in it. He doesn't want it to destroy us. But, sometimes he does allow us to experience it for a season. Have you considered trying anti-depressants? Of course they don't take the pain of missing our loved ones and nor do they fix stress or grief, but they can be a useful tool in helping us not to fall into (or stay in) that black pit of despair. I'm definitely not preaching drugs or supplements as an escape or cure-all...just a possible tool that can help take the edge off things and make it easier to cope.

  2. I should also think that after the energy, the connections, the feeling of DOING SOMETHING of value, that you had in the past couple of months....just "being back home" (even with all your projects underway) brings quite an emotional letdown. I was afraid it would be hard for you. I'm so, so glad about Daniel.

  3. All of us that follow you are sad too knowing that you are hurting. Just know that we are here for you and praying for you and the children.


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