Without Words

I am without words these days. I have struggled these past few weeks with what to post. I've been straddling two worlds -- in one I am quite joyful and very much at peace, and in the other my sorrow at being separated from those I love is holding me hostage.

I like to be inspiring. I like to uplift others and give them a reason to feel joyful. So, when I am struggling myself, I find it difficult to share it. It's not pride, and it's not embarrassment. It's that I simply hate bringing other people down or adding to the unhappiness in the world. And it's ok -- I have my God to turn to. I don't need to share it per se, but I feel guilty not explaining myself. So I'll try.

I'm feeling very pensive and sad these past few weeks. I miss Anya. I miss D. I miss all the kids at the orphanage. And, if I'm perfectly honest -- I miss Dasha a whole lot, too. My thoughts circle to each of them throughout the day. I think of times I shared with them, I pray for them, I imagine what each of them are doing in this moment in time. And I cry.

I'm waiting for the sadness to lift, but it hasn't. I'm not wallowing, and I'm not being overly sentimental. I simply love them so much and so deeply that being separated from all of them at once feels like I'm missing a limb, or a good chunk of my heart. It probably doesn't help that Nastia has been away this week.

So, my question is, what does God want us to do when we miss someone this much? What are we to do with the pain? I lay it at His feet. I ask Him for peace over and over again. But, as for right now, the pain still stays. It actually feels like a heavy rock lodged in my chest. It's stuck there and I can't seem to get it to move.

So, I may not blog much for a bit. I don't want to fill the air with empty words. I don't want to speak just because. When my heart feels on fire again, I'll write. For now, I am guessing God is calling me to silence, inward and outward. But I hope He speaks soon.