Still Struggling

yes, the disparity is that great.

I'm making a brave effort. The bravest, in fact. I wake up about 4:30am still and spend a good few hours praying, reading scripture, saying the rosary, and just listening to God. I knew re-entry would be hard and I'd need to lean on God even more heavily than I had been. But even with all this time devoted to prayer, there is still a part of my heart deeply grieving over what I left behind and what I arrived to.

I had to go food shopping again today. I had put it off for days because I knew it would trigger some sadness. It is just so difficult to see so much abundance when you've seen the way others must live every single day of their lives.The injustice of it is simply impossible for me to wrap my mind around. And on top of  that,  it's Christmas....

I'm doing all I can during Advent to make Christmas about 'Christmas' and not presents and shopping-mania and 'things', but it is everywhere you look. My daughter, of course, embraces the materialism of our current times with two hands. After a life of such poverty, she is still grappling with wanting everything she sees. We are in two different worlds right now, me and my daughter. I try to share true Christmas with her, but its best to share it with my actions, not my words.

We haven't bought a tree yet. As maudlin as it sounds, I keep thinking of what that $50 will do for Orphanage #5 and I can't bring myself to buy one. I'm sure I'll cave as we get closer, but right now it feels like an offense, or even a betrayal, to buy one. I just can't do it.

And speaking of betrayal, I'm hurting for another reason, too. I can't post the details because it wouldn't be fair to this friend, despite the way she chose to treat me, but suffice it to say that a person I held as a very dear friend has done something pretty horrible to me, with full knowledge of my situation. Not only did she take money from me that was not hers to take, she did so when I was away and unable to do anything about it. She did far more than just this, but the hurt stems from the fact that I trusted this person like family. And she took advantage. And I'm grieving like someone has died today. I will never understand her actions. I will miss her friendship dearly, but I guess it was a one-sided friendship to begin with if she felt she could take advantage of me like this. Just praying for the pain to go away.

On a good note, I am slowly working through my paperwork for D. I've hit a few snags already, but I am not letting them get the better of me. He deserves to be home as soon as possible, so that means I have no time to be frustrated. I just need to hand it to God and move forward. And small blessings -- I dreamt of D last night and he was here, and the whole dream was just my cuddling and mothering him and him laughing and so happy. I wait for that day...