Apologies

I promised a post about the amazing Thanksgiving Feast and I haven't done it yet. Sorry. My heart is just so heavy, I need time to adjust before I can post about it and  do it justice. It was the best Thanksgiving I have ever had, and it's not fair to its' memory to write about it when my heart is so burdened.  No need to try to comfort me with comments, though they are of course always appreciated. it's just that this pain is only something God can heal. And I have no doubt He either will heal me of it, or use it for His greater purpose.

I wish I could tell you all it's great to be home now that I am here, but I would be lying. I am walking around my house like a stranger, asking myself over and over how I ever accumulated so much stuff. Wondering outloud why I was chosen to be so blessed? I don't deserve it. Those 100 children I left behind do. They are blameless. They are exquisitely beautiful creations of God who suffer needlessly in a world that has MORE than enough to share with them. Why?

Why why why why why??? I could fill up a thousand pages with the word 'why' right now.

Why does Polina wake up every morning and dress herself in dirty, hole-ridden stockings and a stained old sweatshirt two sizes too big? Why does Danil sleep on a mattress that  feels like a rock and wake to shouting older boys fighting over who gets to wear the nice pair of socks that day? Why do the older girls find any bit of crayon or soot or anything with color to make up their faces for school? Why must they eat kasha every morning of their lives? Why do they get fruit only when I bring it? Why do so many of them rock themselves to sleep at night like my Nastia still does? Their needs are huge. Their poverty is real. God has blessed our country with so much, and I believe He did so that we may learn to share it with others, not hoard it for ourselves.

The past few months have been a joy of epic proportions, because I was able to witness firsthand what just a few thousand dollars can do to transform the daily life of these kids. A few thousand dollars. I'm sure Paris Hilton spends at least that every day on clothing. I've seen dinners in New York city cost as much. Where are our priorities as a nation? Why can't we get it right?

All I know is I am not even going to waste my time whining about it anymore. The minutes of my life are precious. I will no longer waste them on anything but what He calls me to. And He has called me to care for these 100 children in any way I can. I know I cannot adopt all of them, but I can do much. I can send them cards and letters, I can send them care packages, I can pray for them every night, I can call them, I can improve my Russian for them, I can go without luxuries for them, I can go without new shoes or make-up or clothing for them, I can do what Mother Theresa said " Love Until It Hurts."

Today I called D and Ksusha. They were at school during break. The squeals of delight brought other orphanage kids running, and they all gathered around the phone and talked to me " We miss you!"  and "Come back sooner!" and " tell people about us!" and other things that would make you just cry. I told them all that I loved them and would be back as soon as I was able, and that in the meantime I intended to get people to write them and keep sending things. Natasha asked " Are there other people like you in America?"
Of course there are, I said. " Then why did only you come? When will others come?" I didn't have an answer. I told her I had to think about it.

And I talked to them for 15 minutes while they waited for the non-orphanage kids to eat their lunches. ( The orphanage kids are not fed at school because they do not have the funds to pay for it. So, they just stand in the hallways and wait for the other kids to eat before they can go back to class. They must wait till 3pm when they get home.)

I have grand schemes, wonderful ideas that are percolating in my mind about these children -- ways to help them and ways to make them feel their own worth.  Please spread the word about my endeavor. I cannot do anything without a great deal of help. Therefore, more readers equal more $5 donations equal more help for these kids. I want to create a non-profit, but I need to get Daniel's paperwork done first. Just know I do know that is the next step.

In the meantime, you can help by praying  that our hosting program will be approved, and maybe start thinking about hosting one of these children over the summer. As you know, I have partnered with Project 143 to bring many of them over this summer. We will hopefully be able to post info and photos on the children in March, and hosting will happen in late June or early July. Your prayers for these children  are treasures to me.