So much to post! Currently in Moscow with both my girls! It's a little slice of heaven, despite the cold and jetlag! The girls are inseparable. Life is GOOD. S'Novom Godom, everyone!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Currently in Moscow
So much to post! Currently in Moscow with both my girls! It's a little slice of heaven, despite the cold and jetlag! The girls are inseparable. Life is GOOD. S'Novom Godom, everyone!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Open Letter to Those Who Have Asked...
Several followers have messaged me to ask why I've gone MIA. My whole life has been taken up with one cause, as of late. It affords me no time to blog, because literally all my time is taken up with mothering my daughter and dealing with this current crisis. Please feel free to join the group my friends started on facebook. It's called "Inexhaustibly for Anya - bring Anya Home." You can also go here and here and here to view the news clips or read current news articles. Your prayers are welcome.
love to all, FaerieMama
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Times are Tough
I'm sorry I'm not posting much these days. Life has thrown us more than our share of curve balls and I'm too busy batting at them to blog much. I wish I knew why some of us seem to get the lion's share of challenges. I wish I could better face them with grace and courage. I'm hanging in there, but I really feel ill-equipped.
My daughter had a migraine-induced stroke about 6 weeks ago. That alone would send any parent into a tail-spin. We have a great neurologist so I feel "taken care of" in that respect, but dealing with the side effects of her meds is tough. She has been diagnosed with something called Familial Hemiplegic Migraine disease. I'm still in the learning phase so there's not much I can tell you about it that you can't just find yourself via google.
I'm in the process of seeing too many doctors to mention as they try to figure out what is causing all my troublesome health issues. I know what it is, but you know it sometimes takes lots of testing for the doctors themselves to believe you. My primary care doctor thinks they are all separate health issues caused by everything from sleep apnea to peri-menopause, but I know in my heart they are all simply symptoms of my worsening auto immune disease. What else accounts for it? If you are a "medical detective" and want to weigh in on what you think, feel free. I'll take all the input I can get as I try to figure this all out. I know this list may sound incredible, but I promise you this is exactly what I am experiencing day to day, and trying, trying so hard to live with:
Symptoms
1. Chronic and extreme exhaustion (daily)
2. reactive arthritis ( daily with varying degrees of pain.) It tends to be in my lower spine and right hip mostly, but can flare up in my neck and legs from time to time.
3. low-grade fever ( my pc tells me this is normal..huh?? Is it normal to have your temp 99.9 for weeks at a time, and then drop to 97.2 for a day and then up again?)
4. Worsening food allergies. ( Now life threatening allergy to all soy, and new allergy to wheat, rye, barley and oats)
5. mouth sores and swollen gums every few days. ( makes it impossible to eat.)
6. chronic joint pain and swelling.
7. chronic diarrhea ( EVERY day. not kidding.)
8. Strange rashes that come and go. ( ended up in the ER with shingles 2 weeks ago, too)
9. tops of fingers turning blue even when not cold (daily)
10. Nightly leg cramps/ charlie horses that wake me up.
11. trouble swallowing. ( Sometimes I cannot make myself swallow...very weird sensation.)
12. Hives on and off.
13. break-thru menstrual bleeding...but heavy, heavy blood loss. And I've been on trynoranil for years for PCOS. NEVER had this bleeding.)
14. daily nosebleeds that come out of nowhere.
15. shortness of breath with little exertion.
The worst is the fatigue. I have never experienced anything like it. Ever. It reminds me of when I had mono in high school. you know that level of exhaustion? Where you can manage an hour or two of being up, and then you have to sleep? That's what it's like. My PC would tell you it's sleep apnea or depression, but I know my own body. I am not depressed, in fact I am the opposite. I'm rageful over all of this. I want to be working more and doing more, and mu body won't let me! And I'm sorry, but sleep apnea could never cause this level of exhaustion. It is completely debilitating.
So, over the next few weeks I will endure a sleep study, a colonoscopy, and more bloodwork as my PC tries to prove her point. I finally called an immunologist myself and made an appointment for later this month. What else would account for all these symptoms and their sudden onset?
Well, I have to head back to work now. ( I'm on break.) Please let me know what you think, and if you are the praying kind, I'd be so grateful for your prayers. I hate to say it, but I'm losing faith in prayer after months and months of praying with no relief. I feel like I am in over my head. Where is God in all of this? He is silent, and I am scared.
My daughter had a migraine-induced stroke about 6 weeks ago. That alone would send any parent into a tail-spin. We have a great neurologist so I feel "taken care of" in that respect, but dealing with the side effects of her meds is tough. She has been diagnosed with something called Familial Hemiplegic Migraine disease. I'm still in the learning phase so there's not much I can tell you about it that you can't just find yourself via google.
I'm in the process of seeing too many doctors to mention as they try to figure out what is causing all my troublesome health issues. I know what it is, but you know it sometimes takes lots of testing for the doctors themselves to believe you. My primary care doctor thinks they are all separate health issues caused by everything from sleep apnea to peri-menopause, but I know in my heart they are all simply symptoms of my worsening auto immune disease. What else accounts for it? If you are a "medical detective" and want to weigh in on what you think, feel free. I'll take all the input I can get as I try to figure this all out. I know this list may sound incredible, but I promise you this is exactly what I am experiencing day to day, and trying, trying so hard to live with:
Symptoms
1. Chronic and extreme exhaustion (daily)
2. reactive arthritis ( daily with varying degrees of pain.) It tends to be in my lower spine and right hip mostly, but can flare up in my neck and legs from time to time.
3. low-grade fever ( my pc tells me this is normal..huh?? Is it normal to have your temp 99.9 for weeks at a time, and then drop to 97.2 for a day and then up again?)
4. Worsening food allergies. ( Now life threatening allergy to all soy, and new allergy to wheat, rye, barley and oats)
5. mouth sores and swollen gums every few days. ( makes it impossible to eat.)
6. chronic joint pain and swelling.
7. chronic diarrhea ( EVERY day. not kidding.)
8. Strange rashes that come and go. ( ended up in the ER with shingles 2 weeks ago, too)
9. tops of fingers turning blue even when not cold (daily)
10. Nightly leg cramps/ charlie horses that wake me up.
11. trouble swallowing. ( Sometimes I cannot make myself swallow...very weird sensation.)
12. Hives on and off.
13. break-thru menstrual bleeding...but heavy, heavy blood loss. And I've been on trynoranil for years for PCOS. NEVER had this bleeding.)
14. daily nosebleeds that come out of nowhere.
15. shortness of breath with little exertion.
The worst is the fatigue. I have never experienced anything like it. Ever. It reminds me of when I had mono in high school. you know that level of exhaustion? Where you can manage an hour or two of being up, and then you have to sleep? That's what it's like. My PC would tell you it's sleep apnea or depression, but I know my own body. I am not depressed, in fact I am the opposite. I'm rageful over all of this. I want to be working more and doing more, and mu body won't let me! And I'm sorry, but sleep apnea could never cause this level of exhaustion. It is completely debilitating.
So, over the next few weeks I will endure a sleep study, a colonoscopy, and more bloodwork as my PC tries to prove her point. I finally called an immunologist myself and made an appointment for later this month. What else would account for all these symptoms and their sudden onset?
Well, I have to head back to work now. ( I'm on break.) Please let me know what you think, and if you are the praying kind, I'd be so grateful for your prayers. I hate to say it, but I'm losing faith in prayer after months and months of praying with no relief. I feel like I am in over my head. Where is God in all of this? He is silent, and I am scared.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Returning, I think?
Don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but...
I'm back after a four month hiatus. The four months included a trip to Siberia to visit daughter #2 (Anya) as well as a side trip to Germany to visit my brother Jim and his family; then 3 months of my busy work season, teaching Shakespeare and running a Shakespeare summer camp for 135 kids and teens. The last show of the season was Saturday, and now I'm floating free for a month! The plan: get house in order and spend inordinate amounts of time with my semi-neglected teenage daughter. We started yesterday and did a round of shopping for the house, hiking the woods, making dinner for her grandmother ( my mom) and generally just enjoying each other's company.
Oh, and did I fail to mention her sister Anya (my other daughter, by all accounts) is scheduled to move here in late fall? Yes. Really. She even has her passport finally!
I'm back after a four month hiatus. The four months included a trip to Siberia to visit daughter #2 (Anya) as well as a side trip to Germany to visit my brother Jim and his family; then 3 months of my busy work season, teaching Shakespeare and running a Shakespeare summer camp for 135 kids and teens. The last show of the season was Saturday, and now I'm floating free for a month! The plan: get house in order and spend inordinate amounts of time with my semi-neglected teenage daughter. We started yesterday and did a round of shopping for the house, hiking the woods, making dinner for her grandmother ( my mom) and generally just enjoying each other's company.
Oh, and did I fail to mention her sister Anya (my other daughter, by all accounts) is scheduled to move here in late fall? Yes. Really. She even has her passport finally!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I'm Experiencing A Miracle
Truly. The change I am experiencing from this diet/lifestyle change is nothing short of miraculous. I don't like calling it a diet. It's more like a feast of good things! I have completed 5 full days of 100% raw and living foods. For the skeptical, here is what has happened thus far:
Lost almost nine pounds.
Went from a 44 E to a 40D bra.
Lost 4 inches in my waist.
Lost 4 inches in my chest.
I have no double chin or excess weight on my neck.
My eyes are whiter ( don't know why!)
I am wide awake after 6 hours of sleep versus 11-12 of before
I wake up w/out an alarm at 6am, reading to run!
My body wants to be moving all the time ( be4fore it wanted to SLEEP all the time.)
My auto immune pain is decreased so much it is almost imperceptible.
I no longer take naps. ( whereas before I HAD to...EVERY day)
I am thinking more clearly
colors have changed..I can see better
My vision has gotten better...don't need glasses for the computer starting today!
My skin looks AMAZING. I stopped wearing make-up.
I am beginning to crave the good foods!
I am not experiencing ANY low-blood sugar moments!
I am fitting into clothes I haven't worn in years..in FIVE DAYS!
To be clear, this is not simply a raw food diet. I think the benefits are because I'm eating/drinking SO many greens. Only live, fresh greens, veggies and fruit, and a handful of dried banana chips the past few days.
I have not felt this alive, happy, motivated, clear, and peaceful since I was about 5 years old.
God bless green food. I can't believe it has taken me 44 years to discover this secret. I can't believe health and wellness is this easy.
Ran this morning again, and just got back an hour ago from a long hike in the woods with Anastasia and the dogs. Anastasia put it perfectly, as we made our way through the trees and green.." Mom, life doesn't get much better than this moment.."
Friday, April 24, 2009
Today was better :)
Up at 6:30 for a run. Apple for breakfast. Then green juice. Anastasia and I went to the Appleton Farm Sanctuary in Ipswich ( pictured above) for a long hike in the woods and fields. Met up with a big herd of cows. Stopped at Tendercrop Farm for fresh organic veggies on the way home. Visited a friend by the ocean. Ate another apple and a handful of banana chips on the ride home. Ate a big green salad at home. Then took a long nap together. After-nap snack: fresh snap peas! Some avocado. This moment: A few more banana chips ( for my mad sugar cravings today.) Now I'm getting work done on the computer while Anastasia primps herself for a night out at the local roller rink. Still feeling immeasurably better in so many ways...it is almost indescribable. Cravings still around, but more manageable today. I loved being with my daughter all day! A great, peaceful day all around.
A Glorious New Day!
I'm in shock. I've shocked myself! I woke up at 6am wide awake, with a desire to....RUN! I have not run in over 16 years. I have definitely not had a desire to run in 16 years either! But today I woke up, wide awake and happy in my bed , and all I wanted to do was run. So, I found something athletic to wear ( that was a feat) and I put on sneakers...and I ran. I ended up running a mile! Of course, I stopped now and then and did either a brisk walk or very slow jog, but the point is..I did it!
I am amazing myself. I didn't think I would get through yesterday, the cravings and rage were so strong. but today is a new day and I feel even more alive than the day before!
I guess I'm writing this to say to ANYONE reading this who struggles with either disease or obesity...YOU CAN DO IT! I swear, If I can do this, there is no one in the world who can't. This diet has me feeling soooo incredibly alive and happy that it makes me not WANT to cheat..even when the cravings feel like they are going to kill me.
I'll report later on my intake of today. Thus far its just an apple and lots of water, but I need to get some greens in soon. I'll keep you posted.
Bye!!
I am amazing myself. I didn't think I would get through yesterday, the cravings and rage were so strong. but today is a new day and I feel even more alive than the day before!
I guess I'm writing this to say to ANYONE reading this who struggles with either disease or obesity...YOU CAN DO IT! I swear, If I can do this, there is no one in the world who can't. This diet has me feeling soooo incredibly alive and happy that it makes me not WANT to cheat..even when the cravings feel like they are going to kill me.
I'll report later on my intake of today. Thus far its just an apple and lots of water, but I need to get some greens in soon. I'll keep you posted.
Bye!!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Today was the hardest thus far.
Sorry to be boring. I'm just recording today's intake so I can keep track.
7am: half cup celery/spinach drink
9am 3 dates with raw coconut, a pear
11am small green salad with 1/2 avocado, red peppers, spinach, sunflower sprouts
1pm 1/2 cup organic fruit blended into smoothie: rasberries, strawberries, blueberries
3pm 2nd small green salad as above with half an avocado, 2 pieces dehydrated apple
5pm handful raw organic baby carrots
7pm whole cup of blended fruit smoothie: as above, one tsp honey
lots and lots of water throughout the day
Still not hungry in the least, but man the cravings are killing me. Today I was so angry I actually threw my phone and broke it. (I was alone - no worries.) Lots of anger surfacing. Feel like I'm sitting on a ball of rage the size of the sun. What could it be from? No idea. I'm going to try journaling now before bed.
For those interested, here is how I dealt with the extreme cravings:
~took a long walk with the dogs - didn't help, but at least I was moving.
~ cleaned the entire kitchen and livingroom- helped a tiny bit.
~ called a friend who's 'been there' - helped for an hour or so.
~ Did tapping (EFT) for 4 cycles, three times today. Helped ALOT.
I still don't get how EFT works, but it does.
I really hope tomorrow is easier. Yesterday was amazing. I even had an experience of euphoria. I called and asked the nutritionist and she said that was normal on this diet. No euphoria today. Just mad cravings and really grumpy attitude.
But I did it. I have to keep reminding myself. I did it. I got thru another day 100 percent raw.
My body is thanking me even though my mind is pissed...lol.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Cravings!!!
Ok, cravings are trying to have their way with me. And boy, they are powerful! but I'm not letting them win. I was exhausted by 2pm so I fell asleep...for four and a half hours! Yikes. I dreamt of working in a fast food restaurant..lol. I awoke to continued cravings. Here is what my mind is begging me to eat: mint chocolate chip ice cream, coffee ice cream, chocolate ice cream, spaghetti and meatballs, a roast beef sandwich with mayo & sauce, a box of oreos, chips, french fries, a turkey dinner with all the extras, a whole coffee cake, beef stew....I could go on.
So you see, my mind is working double-time on these cravings, but actually announcing to the world that I am doing this lifestyle change is helping me to stay on task. I don't want to be a hypocrite!
I was unable to drink the entire 64 ounces of the weird green juice, but I managed half of it. I wasn't actually hungry all day. The cravings were all for comfort food, bc I'm scared. But there were no actually hunger pains of feelings of hunger.
I had moments of huge anxiety, feeling like there is no way I can do this, but I just kept talking to that part of myself and reminding her that this HAD to be done if I wanted to live a long life and be there for my daughter.
Tomorrow morning at 7:30am I head back to the nutritionist and do all kinds of extra things like an infrared sauna, ionic foot bath ( to stimulate the lymph system), a colonic and then some training in food prep. Hope I don't collapse on the ride home..lol! It's an hour away.
Nastia is having a field day trying to get me to fail. not fun. I know its because she doesnt like change of any kind, but it's hard to have her trying so hard to get me to eat junk. Hopefully this need of hers will pass. I'll keep you posted.
So you see, my mind is working double-time on these cravings, but actually announcing to the world that I am doing this lifestyle change is helping me to stay on task. I don't want to be a hypocrite!
I was unable to drink the entire 64 ounces of the weird green juice, but I managed half of it. I wasn't actually hungry all day. The cravings were all for comfort food, bc I'm scared. But there were no actually hunger pains of feelings of hunger.
I had moments of huge anxiety, feeling like there is no way I can do this, but I just kept talking to that part of myself and reminding her that this HAD to be done if I wanted to live a long life and be there for my daughter.
Tomorrow morning at 7:30am I head back to the nutritionist and do all kinds of extra things like an infrared sauna, ionic foot bath ( to stimulate the lymph system), a colonic and then some training in food prep. Hope I don't collapse on the ride home..lol! It's an hour away.
Nastia is having a field day trying to get me to fail. not fun. I know its because she doesnt like change of any kind, but it's hard to have her trying so hard to get me to eat junk. Hopefully this need of hers will pass. I'll keep you posted.
Change in Focus for this blog
For just a while, this blog is going to be devoted to my new raw and living foods diet. I'm attempting to rid myself of all the pain associated with this Auto Immune Disease by following a new raw diet ( with the help of an amazing nutritionist.) So, my posts may be boring for a bit. I'm posting what I'm eating and how I'm feeling, just for my own benefit. But of course you're welcome to read along if you don't get bored easily! After a few months of this diet, I'll go back to chronicling our RAD life, but for now, it's all changed :)
Started the diet about 10 days ago...gradually. Cut out all pasta, bread and processed foods. Was not ready to give up meat. So, for 10 days it's been all fruits, veggies , salads, and a little meat .....steak tips, roast turkey and tuna. Today I went completely raw...meaning no meat in the equation. I feel ready. I didn't even want meat yesterday. Just had a bit of tuna in the am.
Today it's 64 ounces of veggie juice ( spinach, celery, cucumber, cilantro, parlsey and such). Had an organic apple for breakfast. Giant salad with avocado and red peppers for lunch. 6 oz of organixc rasberries for my sweet craving at 2pm. Dinner will be a homemade tabouli with no grains, and a banana smoothie before bed. I'm also doing three colonics this week ( scary) and a few ionic footbaths, and lOTS of walks to burn off the anxiety manifesting!
note: I have not fully given up coffee yet. Down to 1/3 cup a day. Hope to be off it completely in 2-3 weeks.
My mission:
to cure myself of this nasty auto immune disease
to cure myself of PCOS
to cure myself of type II diabetes
to lose the 70 extra pounds I carry on my tiny 5'1" frame.
to feel awake and alive again
to be a role model for my daughter as she continues to heal.
Long Term Goals:
To make this a permanent lifestyle change
to be able to run a mile.
to clothe-shop without embarrassment
More coming....
Started the diet about 10 days ago...gradually. Cut out all pasta, bread and processed foods. Was not ready to give up meat. So, for 10 days it's been all fruits, veggies , salads, and a little meat .....steak tips, roast turkey and tuna. Today I went completely raw...meaning no meat in the equation. I feel ready. I didn't even want meat yesterday. Just had a bit of tuna in the am.
Today it's 64 ounces of veggie juice ( spinach, celery, cucumber, cilantro, parlsey and such). Had an organic apple for breakfast. Giant salad with avocado and red peppers for lunch. 6 oz of organixc rasberries for my sweet craving at 2pm. Dinner will be a homemade tabouli with no grains, and a banana smoothie before bed. I'm also doing three colonics this week ( scary) and a few ionic footbaths, and lOTS of walks to burn off the anxiety manifesting!
note: I have not fully given up coffee yet. Down to 1/3 cup a day. Hope to be off it completely in 2-3 weeks.
My mission:
to cure myself of this nasty auto immune disease
to cure myself of PCOS
to cure myself of type II diabetes
to lose the 70 extra pounds I carry on my tiny 5'1" frame.
to feel awake and alive again
to be a role model for my daughter as she continues to heal.
Long Term Goals:
To make this a permanent lifestyle change
to be able to run a mile.
to clothe-shop without embarrassment
More coming....
Monday, April 13, 2009
I'm Baaaaack......
Well, for this moment anyway. I have not set foot on this blog ( or any other) for over a month. not sure why. Not sure I want to figure out why. But I came by because a few very kind souls sent little queries checking up on us, and I wanted to ease their minds. So, to ease....
We're ok. Still alive. Still dealing with nasty health crap. Still homeschooling. Still managing to make it through each day....some with a smile, some with a really pissed-off " what-the-hell-is going-on?" look. Either way, I count it a victory to still be here. Life is hard, after all. Don't anyone try and tell me otherwise, or I'll have to shoot you :)
Updates? I'm still waiting to hear if the law firm is getting anywhere with my suit against the nefarious peanut butter company. I'm working on a trip to Russia to help Anya find an apartment. Still working on finding a way to get her here permanently. ( I'm thinking a sneaky exit through Mongolia might be a good idea at this point.) and I've had almost five days running of very little pain, but now that I put it in writing, you know what's gonna happen....
What's on my mind right now? Losing freaking weight. SIXTY pounds, to be exact. I saw some photos taken of me over Easter and they made me want to put a gun to my head (j/k). But they did make me want to rob a bank and have my breasts and stomach lopped off.
I was already overweight to begin with, but the stress and immobility caused by this damn auto immune disease made me gain twenty more pounds. Nothing but one over-sized shirt fits me, and I refuse to buy anything in size 3x ( that's what size you need to wear if your breasts are this large...) I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm ready for a BIG change. Sorry to be a whiny you-know-what, but it's time to call a spade a spade. I think I'm done pretending to be happy so that people won't hate me or will like me or won't avoid me, or yada yada yada. I'm pissed and I need to make some changes.
Anastasia, on the other hand, couldn't be happier these days. Small favors :)
So, love to all of you and hope your life is filled with GOOD things ( like jobs and food on the table..) Oh yeah, did I mention I lost all my spring jobs? Yup. Should make travel to Russia so, umm, easy!
Warning: the above post should be read with a grain of salt. Just sayin'.
We're ok. Still alive. Still dealing with nasty health crap. Still homeschooling. Still managing to make it through each day....some with a smile, some with a really pissed-off " what-the-hell-is going-on?" look. Either way, I count it a victory to still be here. Life is hard, after all. Don't anyone try and tell me otherwise, or I'll have to shoot you :)
Updates? I'm still waiting to hear if the law firm is getting anywhere with my suit against the nefarious peanut butter company. I'm working on a trip to Russia to help Anya find an apartment. Still working on finding a way to get her here permanently. ( I'm thinking a sneaky exit through Mongolia might be a good idea at this point.) and I've had almost five days running of very little pain, but now that I put it in writing, you know what's gonna happen....
What's on my mind right now? Losing freaking weight. SIXTY pounds, to be exact. I saw some photos taken of me over Easter and they made me want to put a gun to my head (j/k). But they did make me want to rob a bank and have my breasts and stomach lopped off.
I was already overweight to begin with, but the stress and immobility caused by this damn auto immune disease made me gain twenty more pounds. Nothing but one over-sized shirt fits me, and I refuse to buy anything in size 3x ( that's what size you need to wear if your breasts are this large...) I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm ready for a BIG change. Sorry to be a whiny you-know-what, but it's time to call a spade a spade. I think I'm done pretending to be happy so that people won't hate me or will like me or won't avoid me, or yada yada yada. I'm pissed and I need to make some changes.
Anastasia, on the other hand, couldn't be happier these days. Small favors :)
So, love to all of you and hope your life is filled with GOOD things ( like jobs and food on the table..) Oh yeah, did I mention I lost all my spring jobs? Yup. Should make travel to Russia so, umm, easy!
Warning: the above post should be read with a grain of salt. Just sayin'.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Checking In... Sorry for the Absence
It's been a rough few weeks. I'm dealing with almost daily pain from this auto immune issue. It's hard to just keep Anastasia happy, keep the house clean, the animals fed and the bills paid. Blogging has just become a casualty of this new lifestyle. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't depressed. It's hard. I'm putting ALL my energy into being a good mom, since I have to spend so much time just resting or dealing with the pain. It's just hard to think of giving up time to write. I'm sure that'll change when I'm feeling better, but so far there has only been two days I've been pain free. And on those days we got out of the house and celebrated with visits to the beach and things like that.
Thank you so much for any of you who have been thinking of me or praying for me to get better. I cannot express how grateful I am for that. As soon as I'm feeling better, I will be back here posting every day. From what I've heard and read, this syndrome is at its worst in the first 4-6 months after the initial salmonella exposure. I got sick about January 1st, so I'm counting on feeling better by May! I'm really holding on to that belief.
I'll still read your comments once a week, so don't hesitate to post them! Love to you all, my friends:)
Thank you so much for any of you who have been thinking of me or praying for me to get better. I cannot express how grateful I am for that. As soon as I'm feeling better, I will be back here posting every day. From what I've heard and read, this syndrome is at its worst in the first 4-6 months after the initial salmonella exposure. I got sick about January 1st, so I'm counting on feeling better by May! I'm really holding on to that belief.
I'll still read your comments once a week, so don't hesitate to post them! Love to you all, my friends:)
PS: The photo is me at age 18 months. Just thought it was cute. I hate posts without photos...so I had to find something...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Still Alive
Yes, I'm still alive. Sorry to worry some of you. Anastasia and I have just been taking a "vacation" together, albeit at home. I haven't felt like writing at all. This past seven days have been all about sleeping late, eating Boston creme pie and double chocolate chip cookies, watching Golden Girls reruns, knitting, and cooking. I think we've been in our pjs more than out. We made an amazing Armenian lentil stew the other day and on Sunday we spent the entire day painting for our semi-annual FBI mission ( Fools Being Imaginative.) It involved five children ( including me), lots of painting and collaging and making messes.
What we do is this: we make little boxes out of wood or cardboard, decorate them and then create an inspirational or funny message to go inside them. Sometimes we include a little prize, other times only a little glitter.Then we drive all over our art-forsaken town and hide these little boxes for strangers to find. Sometimes we leave them right in the middle of a busy sidewalk, other times they are well hidden in a rocky crevice at the beach. Whatever strikes us.
We usually do the installation part in the middle of the night, but this time it was broad daylight, which was trickier. It ended up attracting the police for a bit :)
Anyway, I'll tell you more about our Sunday adventures when I get my writing groove back.
Be well, friends. I'm doing my best to do the same.
What we do is this: we make little boxes out of wood or cardboard, decorate them and then create an inspirational or funny message to go inside them. Sometimes we include a little prize, other times only a little glitter.Then we drive all over our art-forsaken town and hide these little boxes for strangers to find. Sometimes we leave them right in the middle of a busy sidewalk, other times they are well hidden in a rocky crevice at the beach. Whatever strikes us.
We usually do the installation part in the middle of the night, but this time it was broad daylight, which was trickier. It ended up attracting the police for a bit :)
Anyway, I'll tell you more about our Sunday adventures when I get my writing groove back.
Be well, friends. I'm doing my best to do the same.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Anyone Good At Pep Talks?
(This is what I feel like.)I seem to have hit a slump these past few days. Don't let my last post fool you. I just posted it to fill the page. Behind that post was a miserable whiny b*tch who has not felt like herself for several days. You may have noticed I haven't been commenting on your blogs much (though I have been reading.) I'm just too grumpy and sad to comment or write or do much of anything. I'm not good at calling on my real world friends for support. I'm just not comfortable being that vulnerable. Don't ask me why, at 43 years old, I still have no idea.
Anyway, for some odd reason, spilling my guts here seems less scary. I know, I know, that makes no sense, seeing as posting on a blog is like writing your woes on a neon sign for the world. But anyway, I digress. I thought maybe there is someone reading this who is filled with joy and gratitude right now and they could give me a little pep talk. Only if you're up to it. I love giving pep talks when I'm in a good space, so I thought maybe there are others like me. I know the world seems to work that way -- when you're down, your friend is up, and vice versa.
So, I will catalog my woes here. Only read them if you can handle the whine. I just have to get it all out. I should preface this by mentioning I found out I am peri-menopausal, so that may be contributing. You know, the dreaded hormone factor? Anyway, here goes. Feel free to stop me at any time.
1.The specialist I saw yesterday about the auto immune disease I've got was a complete a**. I won't trouble you with the details, but basically he rushed me out of there because I am uninsured (I think he was worried about my ability to pay.) He made disparaging remarks and was quite dismissive, and offered no advice whatsoever. He even questioned how I would know that the salmonella came from Austin PB crackers. "How could you possibly know that? It could be from anything." he so kindly said. I could go on, but I won't.
2. I found out I've gained 20 pounds. That's 20 on top of the 20 I already was overweight with. Where is this extra weight hiding? You got me. Thank you, menopause....
3. I still have several schools and individuals who owe me money. All told it amounts to $6,000 which is alot of money for a single mom like me. I'm tired of bugging each of them about it. What more can I do?
4. All four of our pets have worms. The little rice kind. The kitten, it turns out, was born with them. She has generously shared it with all the others. The meds won't be too bad, but the upcoming vet visits and multiple stool samples could put us in the poor house. (Just kidding.)
5. I lost a job I was expecting for this spring. It's at a school I love, and the children were as excited as I was to begin, in March. Long story, but they are using someone in-house to pull a musical together. No room for Shakespeare. I'm really sad, not even so much for the lost revenue as for the lost opportunity with these amazing kids.
6. I have to go to court tomorrow. A company is suing me. Most likely I will win, because they are at fault and it will be pretty obvious, but you never know. If I lose, there goes $1800.
7. The back pain continues. It's certainly not as bad as it was, but it's always there and it's annoying. It just makes bad days like these seem so much worse.
8. Then there are all the inconsequential little things weighing me down: very messy house, car brakes need replacing, car didn't pass inspection, excise tax and several bills overdue, furnace leaking, yada yada yada.
So, if anyone reading this is in the mood to lift my spirits, I give you carte blanche. Lift away. But I must warn you, I am 20 pounds heavier these days.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Brief Post For A Busy Day
I kind of borrowed this idea from Life At Willow Manor's sidebar. I don't think she'll mind. It's been a busy day of bill and paperwork catch-up in between urgent trips to the bathroom. (Yuck.) So I give you a brief summary to keep you informed:
EATING: nothing.(due to round two of stomach bug)
DRINKING: dark, dark coffee (and, yes, I know that's stupid of me...)
LISTENING: to my daughter laughing at a 'Golden Girls' rerun.
THINKING: about the people of Kinglake and Whittlesea, Victoria, Australia.
READING: Volume two of Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control by Heather Forbes.
DREADING: taking the dogs out for a walk. (see EATING)
I'll also leave you with two Anastasia quotes of the day:
Concerning her puppy who snuck into her room to eat the cat poop out of the litter box, " Mom, sometimes Matilda makes me SOOOO angry I wish I could squeeze her little head until her eyes pop out and roll away. [LONG PAUSE] But I won't."
Concerning today's (very random) argument of whether children or their parents are bigger germ carriers, "Mom, parents are WAY germier..I mean, they're MARRIED....think of where their hands have been..."
EATING: nothing.(due to round two of stomach bug)
DRINKING: dark, dark coffee (and, yes, I know that's stupid of me...)
LISTENING: to my daughter laughing at a 'Golden Girls' rerun.
THINKING: about the people of Kinglake and Whittlesea, Victoria, Australia.
READING: Volume two of Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control by Heather Forbes.
DREADING: taking the dogs out for a walk. (see EATING)
I'll also leave you with two Anastasia quotes of the day:
Concerning her puppy who snuck into her room to eat the cat poop out of the litter box, " Mom, sometimes Matilda makes me SOOOO angry I wish I could squeeze her little head until her eyes pop out and roll away. [LONG PAUSE] But I won't."
Concerning today's (very random) argument of whether children or their parents are bigger germ carriers, "Mom, parents are WAY germier..I mean, they're MARRIED....think of where their hands have been..."
Monday, February 09, 2009
Answering Questions About Russian Adoption
(Photo is of the village where my daughter's orphanage was located.)A local college student interviewed me (via email) for a class project on adoption. Thought I'd post her questions and my answers in case there are any prospective adoptive parents lurking here!
How long was the process of your adoption, start to finish? I signed with my agency in September 2004. I received Anastasia's referral in late February 2005 ( after my original referral fell through). I went to meet Anastasia in March 2005, and brought her home on May 22, 2005. It was 9 months start to finish – just like a pregnancy!
Did you travel to Russia and did you visit your daughter's orphanage? If yes, what was it like? Yes, to adopt in Russia, you must make two trips. I went in March & May 2005.
I truly fell in love with Russia, but my daughter’s orphanage was a very depressing place. It was in the middle of nowhere in Siberia, and they had nothing – no toys, no bikes, no balls for use outdoors. Their food was meager, and everyone there seemed very very sad, including my daughter.
How did the staff seem? Some were nice, and some were horrible. The children were used to being beaten by their caretakers. It was the norm. My daughter was told by one of them after my visit, that I didn't like her and decided not to adopt her. This woman did this just to traumatize my daughter. That is the type of person my daughter was raised by.
Did you meet other children at the orphanage? What were they like? Very curious of me, being an American, and elated at the gifts we brought. They were desperate to find parents, and a number of them literally begged me, in tears, to “please find a mother for me."
How many other kids were there? In Anastasia’s orphanage there were 120 children ages 4-16.
Was it sanitary? It was very clean, but the children did most of the cleaning. It was quite sanitary, but devoid of even the basics we take for granted. For example, there was no toilet paper, no toothpaste or toothbrushes, no hairbrushes, no shampoo and very little soap, no washing machines. Starting at age four ( yes, four) the children had to handwash their own clothes once a week.
What did the children do during the day? They attended a school up the hill from the orphanage Mon-Sat. Sundays they took walks and sometimes watched tv. They had just been given a tv that year from another American family.
Where did they go to school? Up the hill. I visited the school. It was in horrible disrepair. The orphanage children were not even allowed lunch. Anastasia explained that they just had to watch the village children eat and would sometimes steal their leftovers from the trash. Anastasia was once caught stealing bread from the school kitchen and was beaten severely for it.
How were rooms arranged? They were arranged by age and gender. One room had the 4 & 5 year olds, another the 6 - 9, and others the 10-16. Anastasia was in a room with 16 other girls aged 10-16. There were 8 sets of bunkbeds in the room.
What were they fed? Not much. Anastasia only weighed 72 pounds at adoption. She got a hard boiled egg for breakfast, but never got to eat it, as the older girls would steal them from her. Soup for lunch, soup for dinner. Sometimes bread. she doesn't remember eating any meat. At Christmas they were given a piece of fruit as their gift.
What was the reason your child was placed in an orphanage? Anastasia's birthmother abandoned her and her older sister outdoors when Anastasia was two years old. A neighbor took them in, but then tried to kill Anastasia by placing her in an oven. Someone heard her screams and rescued her. (She still has the scars…)The police then came & put both girls in the hospital. After several months, they were taken to separate orphanages and never saw one another again. (Until we found Anya and reunited in April 2006.)
Would you say that the adoption process ran smoothly? Was it stressful? What was the process like? Can you describe it? The adoption process was not easy or smooth running or easy to predict. It was big highs and even bigger lows, and lots of frustration. You are at the mercy of our government as well as Russia’s government. The paperwork alone could fill a small room!
How would you describe your child’s transition into America culture? How was her first day of school? Has she adapted socially? Has she connected with her family? Difficult. Because of her years of abuse and neglect, Anastasia has quite a few psychological challenges to overcome. She suffers from severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, so has difficulty being in large groups of people, and being stressed in any way. School proved too much for her, and we are now homeschooling. She learned English very quickly, but it took her a long time to adjust to this life. She had never taken a shower, used an elevator, seen a washing machine or dishwasher. In fact, when I told her what the dishwasher was, she laughed at me, thinking it was a joke! She had never used a regular toilet, or even brushed her teeth -- ever! She had never had access to food whenever she wanted. During her first few months home she would open the fridge literally 20-30 times a day just to assure herself their was food. She hoarded food in her room & under her pillows for months.
Social adjustment has proven very difficult. Anastasia was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder which can make dealing with others very painful. She also cannot read social cues and assumes that everyone is 'out to get her' until proven otherwise. She has not made many friends, but we are still working on it. She has connected to our family well, though. I have three brothers and she adores them.
Have you received any professional help making this transition easier? Yes, we meet with a therapist and psychiatrist regularly. However, I've found the greatest benefit and support comes from fellow adoptive parents.
How would you define adoption? Just another way to start a family. My daughter is no less my daughter because she does not carry my DNA. Sometimes I even forget she's adopted -- not kidding!
What was adoption like for you financially? Hell. It took me five years to save up the money, and I am still recovering!
What was the actual adoption in court like? Beautiful, actually. We went to court on May 16th 2005, in Russia. My brother was with me, and Anastasia was by my side. I answered a slew of questions, and then the judge asked my daughter if she wanted to be adopted. She said yes. The judge asked why? Anastasia answered, "I'm just hoping it's better..."After 5 minutes of deliberation, the judge announced us a family!
What is your daughter’s name? What is she like? What are her hobbies? Her name is Anastasia Holly _______. She goes by Nast and Nastia, which is the Russian nickname for Anastasia. She had never been called Anastasia in her life, though, and demanded she be called Nastia for the first year. Of course that was fine with me. Her name is one of the few things that she had called her own all those years. She now prefers to be called Anastasia, as she thinks it "sounds more grown-up."
Her hobbies are: cooking, making up new recipes, thousand piece puzzles, painting, singing, scrapbooking, swimming, playing on her computer, riding her bike, sledding, taking care of her pets, travelling to new places.
Anything else you would like to share? I wish more people would adopt. There are over 750,000 children sitting in Russian orphanages alone right now. EVERY child deserves a family.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
It's A Balmy 40 Degrees!
I know all my fellow New Englanders will join in the victory cheer with me... " It's time to open the windows!"
Anastasia and I woke up to the sound of snow sliding of the roof and water dripping off every eave of the house. It's spring! Well, that's what it feels like. We promptly turned off the heat and opened all the windows. The house smells so good! Neighbors are out primping their yards and wiping down there cars without the hassle of coats and gloves and hats. Kids are walking their dogs for the first time in weeks! Birds are chirping! No, none of this is an exaggeration no matter what any of you Floridians think. Right now I am sitting in my room with the windows open and the screens down, revelling in the smell of fresh air. The dogs are out playing in the slush of our yard, my daughter is singing a happy song, and all is well.
Tomorrow it's supposed to go up to 50 degrees! What will we do? It's almost too good to be true. Anastasia already brought out her summer clothes box. Tomorrow we'll hit the ground running in our spring gear for a day at the beach with the dogs. Life is good! Spring is upon us!
Anastasia and I woke up to the sound of snow sliding of the roof and water dripping off every eave of the house. It's spring! Well, that's what it feels like. We promptly turned off the heat and opened all the windows. The house smells so good! Neighbors are out primping their yards and wiping down there cars without the hassle of coats and gloves and hats. Kids are walking their dogs for the first time in weeks! Birds are chirping! No, none of this is an exaggeration no matter what any of you Floridians think. Right now I am sitting in my room with the windows open and the screens down, revelling in the smell of fresh air. The dogs are out playing in the slush of our yard, my daughter is singing a happy song, and all is well.
Tomorrow it's supposed to go up to 50 degrees! What will we do? It's almost too good to be true. Anastasia already brought out her summer clothes box. Tomorrow we'll hit the ground running in our spring gear for a day at the beach with the dogs. Life is good! Spring is upon us!
Thursday, February 05, 2009
A Silver Lining, Always
You may think I'm nuts to say there is a silver lining in this whole auto immune disease saga, but there is. And I'm not just saying it to sound like a saint or pretend all is well when it's not. I really do meant it. The past few days were just awful. Constant, tremendous, infuriating pain throughout my body. I wanted to throw myself off a bridge. ( Well, not literally, but you get the idea..) And then today....
The sun came out! Well, that's what it felt like. It was like the sun coming out after a week of darkness. It was a nearly pain-free day, and it put me in such a wonderful, grateful mood.... it felt like it was my birthday or something!
So, I really am amazed at pain's ability to make you aware of how awesome normal, pain-free days are. I was soooooo happy to be able to bend and sit and climb stairs...and PEE...lol. The whole world seemed sunny today. And what do I have to thank for this perfect awareness of this beautiful day? The pain of the last four days.
So, I'm not going to be preachy or anything, but there really is a silver lining to the yucky stuff. I found it today. Now, tomorrow I may feel like crap again and be grumpy, but for this moment in time, I am grateful for my body, my ability to walk and sit and climb stairs and turn my head and all those simple things we take for granted every single day.
Yippee for a plain old run-o-the-mill day!!!!
The sun came out! Well, that's what it felt like. It was like the sun coming out after a week of darkness. It was a nearly pain-free day, and it put me in such a wonderful, grateful mood.... it felt like it was my birthday or something!
So, I really am amazed at pain's ability to make you aware of how awesome normal, pain-free days are. I was soooooo happy to be able to bend and sit and climb stairs...and PEE...lol. The whole world seemed sunny today. And what do I have to thank for this perfect awareness of this beautiful day? The pain of the last four days.
So, I'm not going to be preachy or anything, but there really is a silver lining to the yucky stuff. I found it today. Now, tomorrow I may feel like crap again and be grumpy, but for this moment in time, I am grateful for my body, my ability to walk and sit and climb stairs and turn my head and all those simple things we take for granted every single day.
Yippee for a plain old run-o-the-mill day!!!!
PS: Anastasia took that photo of the sun. I think it's beautiful.
Monday, February 02, 2009
What I'm Going Through Right Now
Sorry if you already read this on my facebook page. I just thought i should post it here while I'm up to it:
I hate having to explain things over and over again, which is what I'm finding myself doing lately. So I thought if I wrote a note on FB, I would be informing a very large percentage of people I know in one fell swoop. It will make things easier for me -- less explaining.
I'm not well, physically speaking. After a bout of salmonella poisoning in early January, I started having a series of really strange symptoms that were causing me alot of pain & discomfort. I couldn't turn my neck, couldn't bend, couldn't even dress myself, my eyes burned all the time, my knees and other joints were really swollen & red, and a few other symptoms that I'd rather not talk about here. I finally went to the doctor, and after a series of lab tests, I was diagnosed with Reiter's Syndrome, which is a rare auto immune disease that comes as a result of a salmonella infection.
I did everything the doctor said, and made an appointment with a specialist and took my meds. The pain came and went. Meantime, I did as much research online as I could, and found out this is a lifelong chronic illness that is not going anywhere. The usual way it manifests is 4-6 months of symptoms followed by 6 months to several years of remission, and then back again. Several people I've met online, however, never have remissions. Some are in wheelchairs, which scares the hell out of me. All of them deal with the pain every day.
If I'm honest, I'm pretty depressed about this turn of events. It's already caused me to miss several days of work, and for the past two days I have been stuck in bed, unable to even sit long enough to pee -- until tonight. My daughter even has to help me dress, because I can't bend my legs or back when it's really bad. I know, embarrassing, but I'd rather tell it like it is. Even turning over in bed caused excruciating pain. And then, around 6pm, the swelling started to dissipate and, right now, I just have swelling in my knees, lower back and fingers ( a bit.) It still hurts, but it is not unbearable.
I got this because of salmonella. The salmonella came from tainted peanut butter crackers ( you've seen it on the news.) The stupid factory in Georgia that sent out the tainted peanut butter KNEW it was tainted and SENT IT OUT ANYWAY. Damn them. Well, at least now the FDA is going after them.
Anyway, I found a great lawyer who is also representing lots of other people sickened by the PB salmonella outbreak. The law firm is currently paying for my blood work and further lab tests. I'm one of only a handful of people who contracted Reiter's Syndrome from the tainted peanut butter. We will have a lifetime of medical bills, cortisone shots, blood work, etc and, as most of you know, I am not insured. I need to go to court over this to pay for my future medical bills.
I'm sorry. I think I'm writing this mostly to vent my anger, but also to just explain my current situation, so friends and students will understand #1 my grumpy mood and #2 my likelihood of missing more work, etc. I HATE being incapacitated. It makes me feel OLD and unproductive, but right now I just have to live with it.
Please have patience and understanding. If I'm being less than nice when you speak with me, it is probably because I am dealing with alot of pain. I just don't want to have to talk about it all the time.
I appreciate prayers. I know they help. I just don't want my anger at the situation to be in charge. I want to find some understanding about it.
Well, thanks for listening. Sorry I won't be blogging as much as usual.
I hate having to explain things over and over again, which is what I'm finding myself doing lately. So I thought if I wrote a note on FB, I would be informing a very large percentage of people I know in one fell swoop. It will make things easier for me -- less explaining.
I'm not well, physically speaking. After a bout of salmonella poisoning in early January, I started having a series of really strange symptoms that were causing me alot of pain & discomfort. I couldn't turn my neck, couldn't bend, couldn't even dress myself, my eyes burned all the time, my knees and other joints were really swollen & red, and a few other symptoms that I'd rather not talk about here. I finally went to the doctor, and after a series of lab tests, I was diagnosed with Reiter's Syndrome, which is a rare auto immune disease that comes as a result of a salmonella infection.
I did everything the doctor said, and made an appointment with a specialist and took my meds. The pain came and went. Meantime, I did as much research online as I could, and found out this is a lifelong chronic illness that is not going anywhere. The usual way it manifests is 4-6 months of symptoms followed by 6 months to several years of remission, and then back again. Several people I've met online, however, never have remissions. Some are in wheelchairs, which scares the hell out of me. All of them deal with the pain every day.
If I'm honest, I'm pretty depressed about this turn of events. It's already caused me to miss several days of work, and for the past two days I have been stuck in bed, unable to even sit long enough to pee -- until tonight. My daughter even has to help me dress, because I can't bend my legs or back when it's really bad. I know, embarrassing, but I'd rather tell it like it is. Even turning over in bed caused excruciating pain. And then, around 6pm, the swelling started to dissipate and, right now, I just have swelling in my knees, lower back and fingers ( a bit.) It still hurts, but it is not unbearable.
I got this because of salmonella. The salmonella came from tainted peanut butter crackers ( you've seen it on the news.) The stupid factory in Georgia that sent out the tainted peanut butter KNEW it was tainted and SENT IT OUT ANYWAY. Damn them. Well, at least now the FDA is going after them.
Anyway, I found a great lawyer who is also representing lots of other people sickened by the PB salmonella outbreak. The law firm is currently paying for my blood work and further lab tests. I'm one of only a handful of people who contracted Reiter's Syndrome from the tainted peanut butter. We will have a lifetime of medical bills, cortisone shots, blood work, etc and, as most of you know, I am not insured. I need to go to court over this to pay for my future medical bills.
I'm sorry. I think I'm writing this mostly to vent my anger, but also to just explain my current situation, so friends and students will understand #1 my grumpy mood and #2 my likelihood of missing more work, etc. I HATE being incapacitated. It makes me feel OLD and unproductive, but right now I just have to live with it.
Please have patience and understanding. If I'm being less than nice when you speak with me, it is probably because I am dealing with alot of pain. I just don't want to have to talk about it all the time.
I appreciate prayers. I know they help. I just don't want my anger at the situation to be in charge. I want to find some understanding about it.
Well, thanks for listening. Sorry I won't be blogging as much as usual.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Are You There God? It's Me, Keri
Nothing can dilute this sadness today. It is an all-encompassing sadness. For my daughter. For all the mother-less daughters and sons left behind in her orphanage. For her sister, alone and waiting for her government to care enough to set her free. For disrupted children. For children holding out a hope for a family that will never manifest. For the tiny infants I saw tied to their cribs in Baby Home #2 in that forgotten Siberian village. For the children in our fractured and dysfunctional foster care system. For the orphaned street children of Moscow and Port-au-Prince and Phnom Penh.
Some days the immense sorrow that exists in our world, in the hearts of millions of children, just hits me, hard, and I weep and weep and weep.
When I'm this sad, there are only three things that are a balm at all. First is making a difference: sending a care package, collecting items to send, calling Anya to offer her support. And then there is prayer and poetry. They both help me.
This is the poem that helped me today. It is by one of my very favorite poets, Rainer Rilke. This translation is the best one I've ever found. I thought I would pass it on, as a gift to all of you that grieve today, too.
Some days the immense sorrow that exists in our world, in the hearts of millions of children, just hits me, hard, and I weep and weep and weep.
When I'm this sad, there are only three things that are a balm at all. First is making a difference: sending a care package, collecting items to send, calling Anya to offer her support. And then there is prayer and poetry. They both help me.
This is the poem that helped me today. It is by one of my very favorite poets, Rainer Rilke. This translation is the best one I've ever found. I thought I would pass it on, as a gift to all of you that grieve today, too.
LOVE SONG
by Rainer Maria Rilke
How shall I hold my soul, that it may not
be touching yours? How shall I lift it then
above you to where other things are waiting?
Ah, gladly would I lodge it, all-forgot
with some lost thing the dark is isolating
on some remote and silent spot that, when
your depths vibrate, is not itself vibrating.
You and me — all that lights upon us, though
brings us together like a fiddle-bow
drawing one voice from two strings it glides along.
Across what instrument have we been spanned?
And what violinist holds us in his hand?
O, sweetest song.
Friday, January 30, 2009
RAD and the Prevalence of Disruptions
I've been quite sad lately, learning of yet more disruptions in the world of older child adoption. It devastates me. Don't get me wrong -- I do not judge any parents who decide to disrupt. I am just so incredibly sad for the children. Something needs to be done about the number of disruptions that occur in this country. Pre-adoptive parents are not being properly prepared or informed of their child's potential needs. I wasn't. Not one parent I know who adopted an older child was prepared in any way for what was to come. This should not be.
I know that parents of older adopted children are wary to post too many negatives on chatboards, forums, etc, for fear of scaring pre-adoptive parents, but this is not fair or just. Even adoption magazines and other media shy away from the truth. I have submitted a few articles to adoptive magazines concerning RAD and the difficult first few months home with an older adopted child -- I was politely informed that my words weren't 'appropriate" for their venue. They were too "graphic" and if I could write a more "upbeat" piece on older child adoption, they would be more inclined to publish it.
Children coming from institutionalized care, however "ready" they may seem, are traumatized. Even if they did not experience the severe abuse and neglect my daughter did, they did not receive adequate care by any means. They are bringing with them a litany of fears, sorrows, challenges, concerns and significant needs that most parents are not equipped to deal with. Even the most prepared, experienced parents will experience a long adjustment period with an older IA child. If only every parent truly understood the potential issues they'd be facing, disruptions might be less prevalent.
Anyway, there is so much I want to say about this subject, but it's too much for one post. I just needed to vent a bit. Every time I read of another disruption, my heart aches. I want to find a way to do what I can to help prevent them. I've read of so many lately, it is making me feel a sense of urgency about finding a way to help. I know many of you feel the same way.
I know that parents of older adopted children are wary to post too many negatives on chatboards, forums, etc, for fear of scaring pre-adoptive parents, but this is not fair or just. Even adoption magazines and other media shy away from the truth. I have submitted a few articles to adoptive magazines concerning RAD and the difficult first few months home with an older adopted child -- I was politely informed that my words weren't 'appropriate" for their venue. They were too "graphic" and if I could write a more "upbeat" piece on older child adoption, they would be more inclined to publish it.
Children coming from institutionalized care, however "ready" they may seem, are traumatized. Even if they did not experience the severe abuse and neglect my daughter did, they did not receive adequate care by any means. They are bringing with them a litany of fears, sorrows, challenges, concerns and significant needs that most parents are not equipped to deal with. Even the most prepared, experienced parents will experience a long adjustment period with an older IA child. If only every parent truly understood the potential issues they'd be facing, disruptions might be less prevalent.
Anyway, there is so much I want to say about this subject, but it's too much for one post. I just needed to vent a bit. Every time I read of another disruption, my heart aches. I want to find a way to do what I can to help prevent them. I've read of so many lately, it is making me feel a sense of urgency about finding a way to help. I know many of you feel the same way.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Dear God, When Will It End?
My mom just called from Florida to tell me she saw on the news that another storm is on the way to New England. I've already had two snow days -- no school -- due to two storms this week. My car is glued to my driveway thanks to a rare snowstorm-rainstorm-freezing temp combination. The dogs refuse to go outside and have resorted to sneaking into the basement to do their business. And even the mailman has abandoned us this week because our walkway is literally a mini-ice rink. What is going on????
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Outing Myself As The Shakespeare Geek I Am
That's me. It's ok to laugh. It makes me laugh. I'm wearing what is called a wimple. (Think the Nurse in Romeo & Juliet.) I won't bore you with a wimple definition - you can read up on it yourself if you're so inclined.
Anyway, many of you have asked me about my work -- most recently when I answered your, umm, flurry of questions of late. (I do love sarcasm.)
So, I thought I'd post the link to my website for a few days. I hope I'm not making a grave mistake! I do value our privacy, but I also want to humor the handful of you who might truly be interested in what I do. So.... here it is!
Edit 1/29/09: I've taken down the link due to one nasty comment about my "not caring about my daughter's privacy", but I am happy to provide the link to any of my blogging buddies -- just send me a comment with your email address. I'll send the link and then delete your comment :)
I'll take it down in a few days, but for now feel free to venture forth into Shakespeare land and feel privileged to be in on the (until-now) secret life of FaerieMama.
I can't take credit for the website -- my friend Christine created it --but it does give you a pretty good idea of what I do and how and where I do it. I love the photos. You can go to the alumni page and read about some of my famous and almost-famous students :)
I am a bit paranoid, so I may take this down sooner than later. You can always send me a comment requesting the link later on, once I take it down. If I like you, I might just send it on!
Oops!
I was just getting out of the shower moments ago. I didn't realize Anastasia had come in to use the toilet. I opened the curtain in all my middle-aged nakedness to find my daughter there, and she looks me up and down with a big smirk on her face and says,
"Helloooooo...........(long pause).............YOU!"
I'm still laughing.
Maybe you had to be there :)
"Helloooooo...........(long pause).............YOU!"
I'm still laughing.
Maybe you had to be there :)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Your Questions Answered
Here they are! The answers to your burning questions! Actually, only two lurkers wrote. Everyone else is one of my longtime blogger buddies - and I'm even more grateful for you today!
Kristina P. asked "I've been curious to hear if it's harder to adopt as a single woman? " I had heard it was from adoption boards and chatrooms, but I didn't find it difficult in the least. My SW did want to make sure I had a nice support network, and the Russian judge queried me about being single. I thankfully got her to laugh by asking if she knew any available single Russian men in the vicinity. Other than that, I didn't run into any problems, or even many questions!
Torina asked "Ooh! Fun! My question is, how do you work and home/unschool? I am not questioning you in a negative way, just in a way of hmmm, I wonder how I can do this, too, way. Also, have you seen any progression in your foster care journey? As to unschooling, it has proven easier than when I sent her to school! My schedule changes every month, so that means our home learning does, too. I guess the best way to explain is to talk about what we are doing this month:
Me: up at 6am for shower & last minute house cleaning
7:30am Leave for work.
7:45-10am teach
10:10am home, wake up Anastasia
10:30-12:30 learning may or may not happen
12:30-2:30pm teach
2:40: home: learning may happen from 2:40pm on.
Anastasia:
10:10am or thereabouts, begrudgingly gets up
May do any of the following: read, knit, bake, create a lego sculpture, organize her room, work on her scrapbook, make an online movie with her imac, create soundtracks (cool imac thing), paint, do science experiments from one of her cool chemistry or physics books, build a snowfort, do math problems online, watch Planet Earth and then quiz me (she loves doing this), cut her hair (lol), play with the dogs outside in the yard...you get the picture.
10:30-12:30, she will do some of these things with me.
Then from 12:30-2:30 she is home alone. Being 16, she has that luxury. I am 3 minutes away by car, and have my phone with me at all times, but she has only called me once all year when I was at work, when she had a migraine. I came home right away.
After school hours, she will go in search of kids in the neighborhood to play in the snow. She loves snow. I have to remind her to come in!
After Feb 5th, I have four weeks off, and we are already planning what to do. During weeks I do not work, we usually go into Boston for the day, or visit friends, or find things to do locally. Some things we've done during my time off: gone camping, visited relatives, take the dogs to the beach & build winter sandcastles, go museum-hopping, go antiqueing (she hated it), go on mystery rides (see where the car ends up), visit the library, the local wolf sanctuary (yes, there is one!), go on a scavenger hunt, etc, etc.
Hope this gives you an idea! We live very spontaneously, which would not work for everyone. I like that my schedule changes so often. Life is never boring that way!
As for fostering. ....grrr..... I still cannot reach the woman in charge at DSS. Her line rings non-stop on weekends and after 5pm weekdays, and then is busy non-stop from 8am-5pm weekdays. It is infuriating. As for the Ariella fostering situation, I'll be answering that below....
Diana asked "Have you heard more about being able to parent baby Ariella?" Get ready to be shocked. I heard from my friend J yesterday that N, the mom, moved home again, and both Ariella and her sister are out of emergency foster care and back in the home. Yup. You heard right. They were returned to the parents who consistently leave them home alone and do not feed them or show them any nurturing at all. I give up. The SW didn't even have the decency to call me and let me know.
Ashley asks "I'm a lurker- I may follow now that you know I'm here...Have you a favourite Shakespeare play? Yes! "The Winter's Tale." I know it's not his best work in many ways, but the story of redemption and forgiveness makes it incredibly powerful to me. And the magical story of a statue coming back to life doesn't hurt either!
hippymummy has asked "Brilliant idea! Here's one...The camp that you run each summer, could you tell me about this? As an English mum we don't have summer camps here....."
Well, I started it twenty years ago, with just me and a group of twelve students. I now have a staff of about sixteen and enrollment capped at about 120 last year. Children aged 6-18 come and participate in a number of month-long programs, all culminating in Shakespeare performances at the end. We have an outdoor stage at a simply magical location on the ocean, surrounded by willow trees and a two-hundred year old lighthouse. I look forward to the summer all year long, even though it means a sixty hour work week for me!
MimiX asked " I like reading about your daughters journey from Russia. Like her, I was adopted from Russia and I am interested in hearing about other adoption stories. Actually, I have thought of a question. It is random, but is your daughter fluent in Russian? Are you?"
Anastasia is still fluent, though she is starting to forget a few words here and there. The three girls who were adopted at the same time as she was from the orphanage have all lost their Russian entirely. I fought to keep Anastasia fluent. I think speaking to her sister every few weeks helps to keep her current with it. As for me, I have never been fluent but could speak what I'd call "kindergarten Russian" when I adopted her. Translation : I could make myself understood, but was not very articulate! I can still speak very basic Russian, but I understand it much better than I speak it.
And finally, brenkachicka asked "If you could only give one piece of advice to a mom with an adopted from foster care at 13 months three year old who clearly shows signs of RAD but cannot find any professionals who believe her, and does not get any kind of therapy, what would that advice be? "
Wow. What an amazing question. First I would tell her to trust what her gut is telling her. Of course a mom will know better than the professionals if her child has RAD. Then I would simply tell her to act "as if". If your child did indeed have RAD, what would you do? Then do those things: co-sleeping, lots of intense attachment parenting, allow regression, love unconditionally, and everything else I mention in this post. For me, keeping myself completely available to her is the most important choice I've made. No matter how frustrating it gets, I make sure I drop whatever I'm doing when she needs face time, cuddles, rocking or what have you. I know I can't do that forever, but for now I know it's right.
Kristina P. asked "I've been curious to hear if it's harder to adopt as a single woman? " I had heard it was from adoption boards and chatrooms, but I didn't find it difficult in the least. My SW did want to make sure I had a nice support network, and the Russian judge queried me about being single. I thankfully got her to laugh by asking if she knew any available single Russian men in the vicinity. Other than that, I didn't run into any problems, or even many questions!
Torina asked "Ooh! Fun! My question is, how do you work and home/unschool? I am not questioning you in a negative way, just in a way of hmmm, I wonder how I can do this, too, way. Also, have you seen any progression in your foster care journey? As to unschooling, it has proven easier than when I sent her to school! My schedule changes every month, so that means our home learning does, too. I guess the best way to explain is to talk about what we are doing this month:
Me: up at 6am for shower & last minute house cleaning
7:30am Leave for work.
7:45-10am teach
10:10am home, wake up Anastasia
10:30-12:30 learning may or may not happen
12:30-2:30pm teach
2:40: home: learning may happen from 2:40pm on.
Anastasia:
10:10am or thereabouts, begrudgingly gets up
May do any of the following: read, knit, bake, create a lego sculpture, organize her room, work on her scrapbook, make an online movie with her imac, create soundtracks (cool imac thing), paint, do science experiments from one of her cool chemistry or physics books, build a snowfort, do math problems online, watch Planet Earth and then quiz me (she loves doing this), cut her hair (lol), play with the dogs outside in the yard...you get the picture.
10:30-12:30, she will do some of these things with me.
Then from 12:30-2:30 she is home alone. Being 16, she has that luxury. I am 3 minutes away by car, and have my phone with me at all times, but she has only called me once all year when I was at work, when she had a migraine. I came home right away.
After school hours, she will go in search of kids in the neighborhood to play in the snow. She loves snow. I have to remind her to come in!
After Feb 5th, I have four weeks off, and we are already planning what to do. During weeks I do not work, we usually go into Boston for the day, or visit friends, or find things to do locally. Some things we've done during my time off: gone camping, visited relatives, take the dogs to the beach & build winter sandcastles, go museum-hopping, go antiqueing (she hated it), go on mystery rides (see where the car ends up), visit the library, the local wolf sanctuary (yes, there is one!), go on a scavenger hunt, etc, etc.
Hope this gives you an idea! We live very spontaneously, which would not work for everyone. I like that my schedule changes so often. Life is never boring that way!
As for fostering. ....grrr..... I still cannot reach the woman in charge at DSS. Her line rings non-stop on weekends and after 5pm weekdays, and then is busy non-stop from 8am-5pm weekdays. It is infuriating. As for the Ariella fostering situation, I'll be answering that below....
Diana asked "Have you heard more about being able to parent baby Ariella?" Get ready to be shocked. I heard from my friend J yesterday that N, the mom, moved home again, and both Ariella and her sister are out of emergency foster care and back in the home. Yup. You heard right. They were returned to the parents who consistently leave them home alone and do not feed them or show them any nurturing at all. I give up. The SW didn't even have the decency to call me and let me know.
Ashley asks "I'm a lurker- I may follow now that you know I'm here...Have you a favourite Shakespeare play? Yes! "The Winter's Tale." I know it's not his best work in many ways, but the story of redemption and forgiveness makes it incredibly powerful to me. And the magical story of a statue coming back to life doesn't hurt either!
hippymummy has asked "Brilliant idea! Here's one...The camp that you run each summer, could you tell me about this? As an English mum we don't have summer camps here....."
Well, I started it twenty years ago, with just me and a group of twelve students. I now have a staff of about sixteen and enrollment capped at about 120 last year. Children aged 6-18 come and participate in a number of month-long programs, all culminating in Shakespeare performances at the end. We have an outdoor stage at a simply magical location on the ocean, surrounded by willow trees and a two-hundred year old lighthouse. I look forward to the summer all year long, even though it means a sixty hour work week for me!
MimiX asked " I like reading about your daughters journey from Russia. Like her, I was adopted from Russia and I am interested in hearing about other adoption stories. Actually, I have thought of a question. It is random, but is your daughter fluent in Russian? Are you?"
Anastasia is still fluent, though she is starting to forget a few words here and there. The three girls who were adopted at the same time as she was from the orphanage have all lost their Russian entirely. I fought to keep Anastasia fluent. I think speaking to her sister every few weeks helps to keep her current with it. As for me, I have never been fluent but could speak what I'd call "kindergarten Russian" when I adopted her. Translation : I could make myself understood, but was not very articulate! I can still speak very basic Russian, but I understand it much better than I speak it.
And finally, brenkachicka asked "If you could only give one piece of advice to a mom with an adopted from foster care at 13 months three year old who clearly shows signs of RAD but cannot find any professionals who believe her, and does not get any kind of therapy, what would that advice be? "
Wow. What an amazing question. First I would tell her to trust what her gut is telling her. Of course a mom will know better than the professionals if her child has RAD. Then I would simply tell her to act "as if". If your child did indeed have RAD, what would you do? Then do those things: co-sleeping, lots of intense attachment parenting, allow regression, love unconditionally, and everything else I mention in this post. For me, keeping myself completely available to her is the most important choice I've made. No matter how frustrating it gets, I make sure I drop whatever I'm doing when she needs face time, cuddles, rocking or what have you. I know I can't do that forever, but for now I know it's right.
I'm Home With The Flu, And Cabin Fever Is Setting In
I woke up with the flu. Went to work at 7:30am and was told to "go home and get better." Guess I looked pretty bad.
So, I'm home with a 102 temp, feeling like crap, but bored out of my mind. I've taken to reading all my old spam mail -- you know, forwards and things sent by my students, mostly. One of them said to go to my seventh photo folder and choose the seventh photo therein and write about it. Ok...
Scary, huh? Don't worry, these aren't real witches. Just a few of my Shakespeare students before a performance of Macbeth. This was taken July 2007.
On another note, I only got seven questions from my desperate attempt to cull out the lurkers among you. Oh well. I'll answer them and post later today. So much for the whole 'question the blogger' idea. At least I tried!
Off to puke and then back to bed...lol.
Ps: Did you know Shakespeare coined the word 'puke'? Yup.
So, I'm home with a 102 temp, feeling like crap, but bored out of my mind. I've taken to reading all my old spam mail -- you know, forwards and things sent by my students, mostly. One of them said to go to my seventh photo folder and choose the seventh photo therein and write about it. Ok...
Scary, huh? Don't worry, these aren't real witches. Just a few of my Shakespeare students before a performance of Macbeth. This was taken July 2007.On another note, I only got seven questions from my desperate attempt to cull out the lurkers among you. Oh well. I'll answer them and post later today. So much for the whole 'question the blogger' idea. At least I tried!
Off to puke and then back to bed...lol.
Ps: Did you know Shakespeare coined the word 'puke'? Yup.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Shhh.....I'm Stealing Torina's Idea
Torina's blog is one of my very favorites. I know I'm not alone. She's honest, funny, and talks about whatever is going on - ovaries and all..lol. I read her every day. Well, except on the days she doesn't write, and then I'm just grumpy all day.
Anyway, Torina has been taking questions from her readers and answering them in a series of posts. I have LOVED reading them. And I realized I always have questions I want to ask my blogging friends, but never do! So then I thought, hey, maybe people have some questions for me? So, I'm opening up the phone lines...ask away.
It actually works out perfectly, because I'll be insanely busy this week and unable to really put the time into posting, and answering questions will take less time - knock on wood.
So, you can post your question in a comment & I'll cut & paste them all into a post. (I don't think Torina will mind my 'borrowing'. Torina?) I'd love to hear from lurkers. It seems I have many, and I wonder what they're thinking! I'll allow anonymous comments for this, as some might want to ask questions but aren't ready to be 'out'!
And my last bit of advice, go to Matroyshka's blog and add her to your reader. I don't understand why she only has three followers when her blog is so awesome. I love reading about Jupiter, and I'm ever envious of their life in Maine! Do yourself a favor and read her. I'm hoping she gets a camera one of these days and posts some photos of herself and Jupiter. I'll keep my fingers crossed!
Anyway, Torina has been taking questions from her readers and answering them in a series of posts. I have LOVED reading them. And I realized I always have questions I want to ask my blogging friends, but never do! So then I thought, hey, maybe people have some questions for me? So, I'm opening up the phone lines...ask away.
It actually works out perfectly, because I'll be insanely busy this week and unable to really put the time into posting, and answering questions will take less time - knock on wood.
So, you can post your question in a comment & I'll cut & paste them all into a post. (I don't think Torina will mind my 'borrowing'. Torina?) I'd love to hear from lurkers. It seems I have many, and I wonder what they're thinking! I'll allow anonymous comments for this, as some might want to ask questions but aren't ready to be 'out'!
And my last bit of advice, go to Matroyshka's blog and add her to your reader. I don't understand why she only has three followers when her blog is so awesome. I love reading about Jupiter, and I'm ever envious of their life in Maine! Do yourself a favor and read her. I'm hoping she gets a camera one of these days and posts some photos of herself and Jupiter. I'll keep my fingers crossed!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Hoarding, Gorging And Other RAD Food Issues We've Encountered
I was reading one of Cj's posts today, about her son's food issues & it got me to thinking about Anastasia's which I've never really talked about.
When I adopted her in May 2005, she was twelve and a half years old and weighed only 72 pounds. During the required medical exam in Moscow, I was in the room and was shocked to see all her ribs perfectly defined under her skin. She was so very tiny. That was the first time I had seen her undressed.
When we were first out in public in Russia, she was very tentative with food at first. She was very undecided when we ate out in restaurants, but if we took her to a shop, she would buy whatever she could and then hide it when we got back to the hotel. One of mymost vivid memories was when we were leaving Kemerovo to fly to Moscow. She had a long string of sausages around her neck. I told her she could not take them on the plane with her. Being the great delegater she is, she first tried to talk my brother into taking them for her. I explained that they would not allow any of us to wear a sausage necklace onto the plane, and suggested she leave them in the tiny room fridge for the hotel staff. But hours later , as I added one last forgotten thing to my suitcase, there were the string of sausages, neatly packed and hidden under all a layer of clothes.
When I adopted her in May 2005, she was twelve and a half years old and weighed only 72 pounds. During the required medical exam in Moscow, I was in the room and was shocked to see all her ribs perfectly defined under her skin. She was so very tiny. That was the first time I had seen her undressed.
When we were first out in public in Russia, she was very tentative with food at first. She was very undecided when we ate out in restaurants, but if we took her to a shop, she would buy whatever she could and then hide it when we got back to the hotel. One of mymost vivid memories was when we were leaving Kemerovo to fly to Moscow. She had a long string of sausages around her neck. I told her she could not take them on the plane with her. Being the great delegater she is, she first tried to talk my brother into taking them for her. I explained that they would not allow any of us to wear a sausage necklace onto the plane, and suggested she leave them in the tiny room fridge for the hotel staff. But hours later , as I added one last forgotten thing to my suitcase, there were the string of sausages, neatly packed and hidden under all a layer of clothes.
Once home, the gorging started. I had read about it, and I spoke to her doctor about it early on. He suggested I just let her find her own way with food, and not to limit her or she might overcompensate. Even with that tiny 72 pound frame, she managed to eat an entire bunch of bananas (6) in one sitting that first morning. Then, later that week, it was an entire crate of clementines. Where was this food hiding in her little body? Thankfully, she had little interest in sweets and junk food. She wanted fruit. The more the better.
She slowly stopped gorging after the first six months, but still continued to gain weight steadily. She still tended to check the fridge twenty times a day, just to make sure there was food available to her. For the first year home, she would pack extra food to bring with her whenever she left the house. Her school backpack was loaded with snacks she would never eat. Just having them made her feel safe.
The biggest downturn occurred during the first month of seventh grade. The nurse at her school wrote me a letter about her concern for Anastasia's weight gain. She weighed 110. At 5'1". Not a problem in my book. I went and spoke to her in person, reminding her Anastasia was in her normal weight range and that her doctor and I were handling her food issues.
This lovely nurse obviously did not like my answer. Later that week, she called my daughter into her office and, in front of other students, told her she was fat and needed to lose weight! Like any good mother, I stormed into that school, went to her office, slammed the door behind me and threatened her and shamed her in every way I could think of. " You are NEVER to speak to my daughter again. EVER. Understand?" That was how I ended the conversation.
Now, you might think that was harsh, but you didn't experience Anastasia's devastating reaction to this name-calling. When I picked her up at school early that day (they had called for me to pick her up at lunch, because she was 'uncontrollable.') She got in the car and started banging her head against the window as hard as she could. I had to pull over to make her stop. She was hysterical and crying. At home she ran to her room and locked the door. When I picked the lock, she was in there tearing her clothes off and threatening to kill herself. "I hate America! America made me fat! I'm fat! I'm ugly. I want to die!" she screamed. How could an adult, in a position on power over a child KNOWN to have issues, known to lash out - how could this woman make such a stupid choice?
It took weeks for Anastasia to recover from this incident. She refused to go back to school for several days, try as I might to get her there. I arranged a meeting with the head of school and made sure she understood that this nurse was to have NO contact with my daughter anymore. Not only had she told my daughter she was fat, she did this in front of two other children, and poked her in the belly. This was witnessed by two other 7th graders . "Geez, you're really packing on the pounds there, Anastasia.." were the words she chose to use with my daughter that day. How this woman ever got a job at a school I'll never know.
Anastasia starved herself for days afterwards . I met with her doctor, and consulted with therapists. I begged, I pleaded. Finally, within a few weeks, she had settled down, but to this day she still recounts this story with tears, even though it happened over two years ago.
Food issues still remain, but Anastasia doesn't hoard food in her room anymore. She does, however, still have a very difficult time monitoring her own food intake. She eats healthy, but more than she should. When she is overeating, I will suggest that maybe what she really needs is some love, and most times she will accept a twenty-minute cuddle instead of eating three bananas in a row. It's a slow process. I think it's more important that I be sensitive to her feelings than insist she eat only what I allow. It may take longer, but it's less stressful for her.
The stress of school caused alot of emotional eating. Now that we are unschooling, food has become less of an issue. She is more aware of what she is eating, and she's more likely to limit her intake. She knows now that her metabolism was used to working in starvation mode, and now that she is eating normally, her body needed time to adjust. She is at 135 now, and perhaps needs to lose a few pounds to be at an ideal weight healthwise, but I am not worried. Her emotional health is so much more important right now. She will have a lifetime to learn how to manage her eating, and she is learning.
Funny side note: while I was typing this, Anastasia came in and asked if we could make a trip to the Russian food store, a few towns over. She didn't even know I was writing about food issues...lol. So, that's where we're headed. We haven't been in over a month. I know she will purchase pickled tomatoes, sausages, pelmeni, halva (a pate made from sunflower seeds), cyliodka (a kind of big, smoked sardine), condensed milk, and dark russian bread. If she makes an effort to speak Russian to the shop owners, she may get a special treat. They usually treat her with russian candy or blini or something sweet if she uses Russian with them. They are as determined as I am to keep her fluent. I'm glad for the help.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
In The Bleak Midwinter
On these bitter days of winter, I always think back to midsummer. I fill my mind with green and warm and light, to get me through these icy-white and unforgiving days. When I think back to last summer, my mind immediately fixes on one particular day...the Prayer Flag Day.
See my header photo up there? The colorful flags hanging amidst the trees? I took that on one of the most beautiful days of my life, and this is its story. Maybe you always wondered about that photo? Maybe you thought I borrowed it from a stock photo site? Nope. I put it at the head of my blog because it is a constant reminder to me of what this life is all about...
Susan was a friend of mine. The most free-spirited, quirky, funny person you could ever meet. She died last winter of pancreatic cancer. Her daughter was only 12. We all grieved and, even once the summer rolled around, we still felt sadly empty. We wanted to find a way to celebrate Susan, and it came about it the most wonderful way...
Years ago, Susan had come to my rescue in a very dark time. One of my students had died and I was left with the task to tell many of her friends and fellow students the next day at the summer camp I run. I was barely able to keep myself together. How would I manage thirty grieving children the next morning? Susan happened to call me in the midst of it all. I was crying and relayed the news between sobs. "Keri, can I come by tomorrow and do something with the kids?" She asked.
Susan showed up that morning with small white squares of fabric, paints, brushes, twine and things. She sat with us on the ground beneath the willow trees and listened while thirty children and a half dozen staff poured their grief out about losing Holly. She listened and cried with us, and then she passed out the little fabric squares and asked us to paint our love for Holly. Paint the joy she brought us, paint the magic, paint in celebration of her wondrous life. And we did.
And there was music and singing and laughing. There were new stories told and old ones retold. And in the end, Susan took our flags and strung them on twine and raised them up between the willow trees. There was a rainbow of words and prayers to Holly. It was beautiful. And on that sad day, our deep grief was transformed in an amazing way.
Those prayer flags hung in the church during Holly's funeral. They hung in her memorial garden. They hung in her parent's backyard. They hung anywhere that Holly was being remembered and celebrated those next few years. Then, last November, Susan died...
Again, we grieved as a group, we supported Robin, her daughter, in every which way we could. We even dedicated our play last summer to Susan, setting it in 1972. ( Susan was the quintessential hippie!) And one day last summer, during the rehearsal of 'Susan's' play, Holly's mom showed up. 
She brought small white squares of fabric, paint, brushes, twine and things. She sat with us on the ground beneath the those same willow trees and listened while thirty new children and staff poured out their grief over losing Susan. Kacy listened, and then she passed out the little squares and asked us to paint out our love for Susan. Paint the joy she brought us, paint the love she showed us, paint in celebration of her wonderful life. And we did.
Amen.
See my header photo up there? The colorful flags hanging amidst the trees? I took that on one of the most beautiful days of my life, and this is its story. Maybe you always wondered about that photo? Maybe you thought I borrowed it from a stock photo site? Nope. I put it at the head of my blog because it is a constant reminder to me of what this life is all about...
Susan was a friend of mine. The most free-spirited, quirky, funny person you could ever meet. She died last winter of pancreatic cancer. Her daughter was only 12. We all grieved and, even once the summer rolled around, we still felt sadly empty. We wanted to find a way to celebrate Susan, and it came about it the most wonderful way...
Years ago, Susan had come to my rescue in a very dark time. One of my students had died and I was left with the task to tell many of her friends and fellow students the next day at the summer camp I run. I was barely able to keep myself together. How would I manage thirty grieving children the next morning? Susan happened to call me in the midst of it all. I was crying and relayed the news between sobs. "Keri, can I come by tomorrow and do something with the kids?" She asked.
Susan showed up that morning with small white squares of fabric, paints, brushes, twine and things. She sat with us on the ground beneath the willow trees and listened while thirty children and a half dozen staff poured their grief out about losing Holly. She listened and cried with us, and then she passed out the little fabric squares and asked us to paint our love for Holly. Paint the joy she brought us, paint the magic, paint in celebration of her wondrous life. And we did.
And there was music and singing and laughing. There were new stories told and old ones retold. And in the end, Susan took our flags and strung them on twine and raised them up between the willow trees. There was a rainbow of words and prayers to Holly. It was beautiful. And on that sad day, our deep grief was transformed in an amazing way. 
Those prayer flags hung in the church during Holly's funeral. They hung in her memorial garden. They hung in her parent's backyard. They hung anywhere that Holly was being remembered and celebrated those next few years. Then, last November, Susan died...
Again, we grieved as a group, we supported Robin, her daughter, in every which way we could. We even dedicated our play last summer to Susan, setting it in 1972. ( Susan was the quintessential hippie!) And one day last summer, during the rehearsal of 'Susan's' play, Holly's mom showed up. 
She brought small white squares of fabric, paint, brushes, twine and things. She sat with us on the ground beneath the those same willow trees and listened while thirty new children and staff poured out their grief over losing Susan. Kacy listened, and then she passed out the little squares and asked us to paint out our love for Susan. Paint the joy she brought us, paint the love she showed us, paint in celebration of her wonderful life. And we did.
And there was music and singing and laughing. There were new stories told, and old ones retold. And in the end, Kacy took our flags and strung them on twine and raised them up between the willow trees. There was a new rainbow of words and prayers -- to Susan. It was beautiful in ways you cannot imagine. And on that day -- that wonderful, magical I'll-never-forget-you-day -- our grief was transformed in an amazing, only-God-could-imagine way.
Amen.Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Believe It Or Not, I'm Gonna Miss Him
I'm not kidding. This ultra-liberal, peace-loving,Obama-voting Democrat is going to miss George
W. Bush.
I won't miss his policies, his agendas, his
posturing, or his stance on the war. But I will miss his ability to make me laugh, and his ability to laugh at himself. That ability is what made me decide I didn't hate him after all. I don't agree with him on anything - ANYTHING, but after eight years of tolerating him, I'm finding myself a little pensive about the end. Don't get me wrong! I am overjoyed in ways I cannot even express that I can now call my man Obama 'Mr. President'. And I cried today. Alot. And I prayed today, and sang today, and danced around my house today -- but I actually did feel a kind of unexpected sadness when I watched George W. and his wife get on that helicopter, and wave goodbye.
So, instead of the expected Obama-mania blog post you might have assumed you'd read, I'm going to simply say goodbye and good luck to GWB. George, I yelled at you (on the tv,anyway) for eight long years, but now I find you've grown on me a bit -- as a human being, not as a president or policy-maker, I must add. But I appreciated your ability to laugh at yourself in these last few years. And with that, I'll leave you with some of my favorite Bush-isms. Even when I was raging mad at some of the choices you made, I was able to laugh with you when you came out with one of your many gaffs. I've collected hundreds of them. Here are a few of my favorites. Hope you don't mind:
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."—Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004
"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in -- to kind of catapult the propaganda."—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005
"There is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."—speaking on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007
"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers, and this great country called America will be the pacemakers."—Houston, Sept. 6, 2000
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."—Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000
"People say, 'How can I help in this war against terror? How can I fight evil?' You can do so by mentoring a child, by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you."—Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002
And my current favorite, as it's so apropos:
"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."—Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008
So, goodbye George W. It's been a long, tough road. And I mean this with great sincerity:
I wish you well.
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