‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Anyone Good At Pep Talks?

(This is what I feel like.)

I seem to have hit a slump these past few days. Don't let my last post fool you. I just posted it to fill the page. Behind that post was a miserable whiny b*tch who has not felt like herself for several days. You may have noticed I haven't been commenting on your blogs much (though I have been reading.) I'm just too grumpy and sad to comment or write or do much of anything. I'm not good at calling on my real world friends for support. I'm just not comfortable being that vulnerable. Don't ask me why, at 43 years old, I still have no idea.

Anyway, for some odd reason, spilling my guts here seems less scary. I know, I know, that makes no sense, seeing as posting on a blog is like writing your woes on a neon sign for the world. But anyway, I digress. I thought maybe there is someone reading this who is filled with joy and gratitude right now and they could give me a little pep talk. Only if you're up to it. I love giving pep talks when I'm in a good space, so I thought maybe there are others like me. I know the world seems to work that way -- when you're down, your friend is up, and vice versa.

So, I will catalog my woes here. Only read them if you can handle the whine. I just have to get it all out. I should preface this by mentioning I found out I am peri-menopausal, so that may be contributing. You know, the dreaded hormone factor? Anyway, here goes. Feel free to stop me at any time.

1.The specialist I saw yesterday about the auto immune disease I've got was a complete a**. I won't trouble you with the details, but basically he rushed me out of there because I am uninsured (I think he was worried about my ability to pay.) He made disparaging remarks and was quite dismissive, and offered no advice whatsoever. He even questioned how I would know that the salmonella came from Austin PB crackers. "How could you possibly know that? It could be from anything." he so kindly said. I could go on, but I won't.

2. I found out I've gained 20 pounds. That's 20 on top of the 20 I already was overweight with. Where is this extra weight hiding? You got me. Thank you, menopause....

3. I still have several schools and individuals who owe me money. All told it amounts to $6,000 which is alot of money for a single mom like me. I'm tired of bugging each of them about it. What more can I do?

4. All four of our pets have worms. The little rice kind. The kitten, it turns out, was born with them. She has generously shared it with all the others. The meds won't be too bad, but the upcoming vet visits and multiple stool samples could put us in the poor house. (Just kidding.)

5. I lost a job I was expecting for this spring. It's at a school I love, and the children were as excited as I was to begin, in March. Long story, but they are using someone in-house to pull a musical together. No room for Shakespeare. I'm really sad, not even so much for the lost revenue as for the lost opportunity with these amazing kids.

6. I have to go to court tomorrow. A company is suing me. Most likely I will win, because they are at fault and it will be pretty obvious, but you never know. If I lose, there goes $1800.

7. The back pain continues. It's certainly not as bad as it was, but it's always there and it's annoying. It just makes bad days like these seem so much worse.

8. Then there are all the inconsequential little things weighing me down: very messy house, car brakes need replacing, car didn't pass inspection, excise tax and several bills overdue, furnace leaking, yada yada yada.

So, if anyone reading this is in the mood to lift my spirits, I give you carte blanche. Lift away. But I must warn you, I am 20 pounds heavier these days.


  1. Oh, I am so sorry!

    Here's a joke for you:

    Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?
    Because he was looking for Pooh!

    Hahahaha! (Sorry. That was lame.)

  2. Hi Kerri, I feel compelled to comment today. I've commented at least once before, but I read your blog everyday. I look forward to what you have to say and I'm frequently blessed by those things. I complimented a friend just the other day in telling her how she reminds me of you. You have a lot of things going on for sure, but just the fact that you reach out shows such strength. Now the 20 lbs - we'll talk about that when you're 109 lbs overweight like I am :o)
    You truly are a blessed child of God (sometimes the way I get through the days is by repeating that to myself over and over until I believe it) and you are such a blessing to all the people around you. I may not have met you but I can see that in the words you speak, the love you show to others, your compassion for people and animals, your humor in the face of overwhelming challenges, your obvious intelligence and wit...like I said I check your blog everyday to see how you and Anastasia are. You have such a gift, all the rest is stuff that you can tackle one thing at a time. I pray often for you and Anastasia and I'll get more specific for all the things you are going through now.
    I feel like I haven't really conveyed all I felt when I read you request for a "pep talk," but I hope I've made you smile.
    Love and peace to you. Kelley

  3. Hi again, I saw this on CNN's website today:
    http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/02/12/ep.health.insurance.help/index.html. My give you some information about getting health care while you're waiting for the lawsuit. Your lawyer may be able to help you find a more competent physician as well.

  4. Anonymous4:43 PM

    I'm having a hard time to come up with anything too uplifting to say except that holy sheeeeeit it's hard to imagine anyone dealing positively with any two of those items, let alone all of them. I really hope things improve.

  5. You know, sometimes the best thing to do is just beat the living tar out of a pillow, throw a two year old temper tantrum, and then cry until your toes hurt. Draw faces of all the people you're mad or sad at and give 'em a whack...or 10 (the first few really don't count anyway because they won't have much power behind them. Once those inhibitions are gone, though, watch out, poor Mr. Pillow! :-) Once you're done with all your whacking, scream all the things your 2 year old inner child wants to scream but society says it can't, and otherwise just allow yourself to have thatlong overdue, and completely socially unacceptable breakdown.

    What? That's too scary because there's a tsunami of stuff lurking behind all this stuff? Oh, baby. I've so been there and done that!! I assure you, though, you'll be amazed at how much less power that tsunami has once you willfully give it a safe place to release the pent up energy that is currently eating away at you. In fact, an intentional breakdown will allow you to dismantle the deeper stuff piece by piece later on.

    And what about your daughter seeing you? Well, as the old saying goes, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" Offer her a pillow and invite her to join you. Scream so loud your neighbors will come running. Dare them to call 911 :-) And when you're all done screaming together, go out for ice cream and share a great big high calorie very bad for you dessert. Then stop at the movie rental place and find the silliest, stupidist movie you can find and come home and watch it together. I personally like someting along the lines of "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes." Sleep in without an alarm the next morning and then pick up your skirts, get back on the horse, and carry on.

    And just in case you're wondering, Yup. I'm serious. Very serious. Is it scary? @#%$ yes. Is it hard? @#%$ yes! But it is also worth it. If you go into a breakdown with a recovery plan in place, you'll give both of you a powerful opportunity to demonstrate and model safely releasing negative stuff AND how to recover and move through it rather than letting it fester and destroy you.

    How's that for a pep talk? :-) Probably not what you were expecting! But hey - what in life is? I will commiserate with you on the whole doctor thing, though. The majority of them are way too pompus for their own good and have become mere slaves to the insurance industry.

    You might also try doing some research on homeopathic treatments for depression. They have always worked better for me than the Rx stuff adn they don't have the nasty side effects, either. And, you don't have to go to the doc and spill your guts, either. Just make sure if you start something that it won't interfere with any other meds you are on.

  6. Oh Keri, sometimes it doesn't just rain but it pours doesn't it. I'm pretty sure the horrible lurgy that you have isn't helping yourgeneral outlook. I also know that chronic backpain can make you not want to get out of bed in the morning, always assuming that you physically COULD!
    I know that it seems that everything is all on top of you at the moment and the fact that you're ill will multiply that tenfold. Just stop for a second and think. you have a beautiful daughter who is shining proof of your wonderful loving care, patience, understanding and absolute dedication to motherhood. You travelled halfway around the world to find your daughter rescuing her from her own personal hell, showing faith in her for probably the first time for many years, if ever. Throughout all the trauma, tears and difficulty you've faced together since then you've never given up or thrown the towel in, fighting on where many have raised the white flag and given in. Do you realise how wonderful that is?
    If all the things above haven't been enough then how about everything else? You do a job that many people could never pull off, working with kids - especially throwing in the Shakespeare aspect, eek!- inspiring them to do their best with something that traditionally considered 'boring' by todays youth. You inspire enthusiasm and pride day in, week out. You singlehandedly run a home, car, provide EVERYTHING both you and Anastasia need in life, not just need but a lot of 'wants' to. You ask for help from no one but are always ready to lend a hand, ear or anything else that you possibly can to help someone in need.
    You wont be feeling this way forever - although it's completely understandable why you do right now - but whilst you are, be kind to yourself. You deserve to take a little timefor yourself. If your back's playing up then a long hot soak may well help, instead of just settling for that howabout adding some nice bath oils and a couple of nice smelly candles? It's not too much to expect a little for yourself. If you don't function then the house doesn't function and that's not good. Be kind to you, you deserve it as much if not more than most. I hope this helps, even just a little bit. Sending you lots of love, health and happiness always, xXx

  7. Are you on prednisone? That causes rapid weight gain. Mostly water. I was on it for 16 months and blew up like a balloon. I had moon face and everything. Before I got on it I was 119 lbs. At the end I was over 200. I quit looking at the scale when I hit 200.
    I can so relate. I have an auto-imune disease that is currently in remission. Vent away. So many people in the "real world" just don't get it. You don't look sick, so it's hard for them to understand.
    You are in my prayers and thoughts. I know firsthand how hard it is. But here I am feeling pretty good. I will never take life for granted. Neither will you.

  8. Sending you some Reiki....

  9. All of you, thank you SO much. Your words are helping. Kelley, you comment actually made me burst into tears. I know I needed to cry, so that was helpful. Diana,hippymummy, brenkachicka, motherissues, Lisa and Kristina..thank you so much for caring enough to comment. It may not seem like much, but it does help me to feel better. Lisa, thanks so much for the reiki. I'm going to try to just go to bed and start over tomorrow ( well, after the stupid court case, I mean..) I'll stop by here when I get home from there. Hope it's at least brief. Nite all:)

  10. Ps: hippymummy, just want you to know I'm going to take your advice right now...long soak in the tub. I havent done that in over a year. And brenka, no i'm not on prednisone for that very reason. I told the dr that I'd take anything put that.

  11. So now that you are 20 pounds heavier, does that mean when you sit on a rainbow, skittles will pop out?

    SOOOO kidding. Hopefully, that gave you a snort.

    Sometimes, you need to wallow. You need to get it out to get on with it. If you try to run from it, it'll eventually catch up to you. So take some time for YOU. Spoil yourself. And when you are feeling extra cranky, well, that is the best time for bill collecting (at least that is when I like to do it) so make those calls and collect those payments with your pissy self.

    Hope things turn around for you soon.

  12. Torina, yes, your comment made me laugh. but I laughed even harder at "And when you are feeling extra cranky, well, that is the best time for bill collecting"..... that cracked me up. and after I finished laughing, I thought about how RIGHT you are.

  13. This too shall pass, my grandmother use to say.
    You have hit a rough patch, hope you get your health problems resolved. That is so scary about the peanut butter.
    I too can realate to the weight gain.
    I quit smoking and gained 50lbs in 5 years..but hey at least I breathe better.
    I just found your blog and enjoyed reading about your adventures. You have lead a very inresting and full life.
    Take care,

  14. I know that autoimmune disorders can be very difficult to diagnose and treat. I am sorry you got such a crappy MD. I was treated for lupus for years and I probably never had it. At least my doctor was nice, even if she was wrong. The weather will be getting better. I think if you can find the time and energy to get out and start walking it will do you a lot of good. Do you have an ipod? An hour walk listening to music you love will be great for your body and spirit. I hope things worked out for you in court!

  15. Keri, I would definitely document the date,time and name of the offending dr and his comments in detail for your lawyer.

    As to what one of the posters above said about homeopathic treatments. I read a couple of days ago that research has proven that St.John's Wort is at least as effective for depression than prescription treatments if not better and no side effects. (Millions of Europeans can't be wrong,can they? You know,those people who have the heck taken out of their wages in taxes but have no medical bill dilemmas like we do? LIke $835 per month for one of my son's prescriptions...Abilify....not!)

  16. I have those times too when it seems like the bricks just keep falling towards my head..and boy do I know about the car breaking (anybody else's muffler barely attached to the car and making funny noises) and the house being a permanent mess and extra bills which aren't on the schedule (and oh yeah, I did just get the Home Depot bill for my new bathroom...excellent)
    Some days I try to focus on TINY happy things...the little kid who smiled at me from inside a car or a dog jumping all over itself to get a treat from the bank drive up. I heard once that we have 100 angels in our lives...so I try to look for them and see if I can see them.
    Hope today is a little brighter...

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  18. Oh man, Perimenopause is really annoying. Here goes:

    How about "Life's not fair and then you die?"
    Life is fair, only to everybody else, and then you get to die?

    Oh, that didn't help?
    How about....
    If a tornado is coming and the sirens go off, you don't have to clean your house anymore? cuz it will be gone?

    Dang... I must really be in a mood......
    Let me try again:

    You are an awesome wonderful mom! You have an awesome daughter, and a life that is deep and meaningful, and not many people get there.
    You feel deeply because you don't live on the surface. So the house is a mess. There will be time to clean when you feel better. You can only pay one bill at a time. But that dear is surface stuff. You have much more important things to bother about. You are giving a normal life to somebody who never had a hint of a chance.
    And she is beautiful and blossoming just like you.
    (forget the blossoming part)

    And another thing! I'd REALLY like to know how 1 LB of chocolate calculates into 5 lbs on the hips! ???? Now THAT isn't fair!

    and just to make you smile:

    We had a tornado warning last week after the girls went to bed. I told the girlies to get in the closet. As Sarah was hopping down the hall she said, "Mama! Get my leg!!!!!" and so I ran back to the room to collect extra body parts for the girls. :) LOL The tornado didn't come, but it helped me to remember what to do for next time we are expecting bad weather at night. PUT LEGS IN CLOSET AHEAD OF TIME!

    I hope you feel better. :)

  19. Hi Kerri, I've been wondering if you are ok. I'm glad my comment moved you but I wouldn't have said it if I didn't feel it. I am sorry that it made you cry. Please let us know if you are doing ok. I've been praying for you and Anastasia. Love and peace to you, Kelley

  20. Kerri, I am so sorry for all that is haapening. It sure seems that when it rains it pours. But remember... you are a daughter of God and He will pull you through this---- I just know it. During times like these, I have to just sit back and think of all the things that I have to be grateful for. Like at least you have home where the furnace leaks, and at least you can go to a doctor and get crappy advice. ;) Anyway, big hugs and enjoy some more of that Boston Cream Pie for me. I wish I could have a piece.


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