My Girl Is Sad Tonight

Sad is still a relatively new experience for my girl. Rage? Anger? Outrage? She knows those feelings well, but sadness still confounds her; it is so new.

So Anastasia is sad tonight and I so want to take it from her and banish it from her mind and heart, but I can't. I also know it's a good thing, as painful as it is to see her feel this way. Feeling sad means she is feeling. She is safe enough and stable enough to feel. The walls are down and the defenses cast aside, and she is vulnerable.

Tonight she went to spend time at her friend T's house. T is an older adopted child as well. She has been here three years, and has a wonderful family that adores her. Like Anastasia, she has Reactive Attachment Disorder, but hers manifests in the more disinhibited way. She is charming and sweet and talkative and quick to hug. Anastasia envies her. She loves to spend time with her, but inevitably comes home feeling insecure and jealous. Why, then, do I let her go? Because she needs to learn how to handle and move through these feelings. They genuinely enjoy each other's company and I think it is very good for them to spend time together. Anastasia is learning how to be a friend, she is learning how to share, how to relate to someone in her peer group. She is learning how to be in relationship with someone her age. These are things very difficult for her to learn with other kids her age. They lack the patience and understanding to deal with Anastasia's quirks, fears, insecurities, jealousies,etc. T knows them intimately because she experiences them herself.

Anyway, tonight when I picked her up she said she was very sad. In the car, she cried. She hated herself and her life. She wanted T's life: a two parent family, a brother, a 'real' home (whatever that means), and a house "full of stuff" like T. Mostly, she wants to be "skinny and pretty" like T. I listen and listen. I hold her hand as we drive. At home I listen more and hold her, and I tell her how perfect and beautiful and amazing she is. We discuss ways she can bring some of what she desires into her own life: She loves the 'coziness' of T's house. It is an antique home, with lots of neat furniture and cozy spaces. Our home is more modern in some ways, and I tend to keep it fairly simple because of my ADD. Anastasia wants to " fill it with more stuff to make it cozy." I agree that we can try to do that. We discuss the two-parent family issue and the sibling issue, and she realizes on her own that some of this is just a case of "the grass is always greener." But she still is sad. So we cuddle and I make her a snack and get her nice and cozy in her favorite blanket. I tell her being sad is ok, and -- what's more -- it's normal.

"I just want to rewind my whole life and start over." She explains. I tell her how everyone feels that way from time to time and that this feeling will pass. I remind her of all the things in her life that T does not have. I remind her of all the things that make her special. Inside my head, though, I'm bargaining with God again. Asking Him to please release my daughter from the pain she is feeling. I know it won't work, but it's a habit difficult to break. In the end, I give in to tv watching (her numbing agent) and I wonder how to help her learn to accept sadness when it comes. How do I teach a skill I have not yet mastered myself?