In my normal daily life it's easy to just keep moving forward and not think about it all, but I've had ten days of vacation and it is bringing up all the crap! Wouldn't you know it? You go away to sunny Florida and imagine sitting by a pool, relaxing, storing up energy for the next 'round'...but that is not what happens.
I have had anxiety-ridden dreams and even some full-blown nightmares every night I have been here. I have woken up in a cold-sweat three times...heart racing...mind careening...full-on total fear of what life holds ahead of me. See, I'm too busy most of the time to allow the fear to get the best of me. I never stop. But here, I have. There are no classes to teach, no dogs to walk, no house to clean, no friends to support, no shopping to do, no bills to pay...none of those things that take up all the hours of each day. And Anastasia is having such a blast with her uncles and cousins and grandmother, that I have even MORE time on my hands. It's surreal. I feel completely out of sorts. I function so much better under pressure.
So, this fear: I'm thinking alot about where I am in life and not feeling good about it. I wanted to be married. Didn't happen. I wanted a houseful of kids. Didn't happen. I wanted to buy my own home. Nope. I wanted to be financially secure. Big no. I wanted to have accomplished more with my work...wanted to get my masters and my Phd. Finances made that impossible years ago. I wanted to have written a book by now. Not even a page to my credit. I wanted to feel like I had made a difference in more lives. I feel my hands tied.
Aside from the things I wanted, there are the deep, heart-wrenching desires that have built up over the years that I agonize over: I want Anya home, and she will likely never be home. How do I live with that? I want my dad alive again, I want my family to be more supportive -- neither of these are going to happen. But the desire for them does not lessen with that knowledge.I want to be healthy again. But, I'm 43. I'm not going to get healthier..I'm going to get older and more things will fall apart. The diabetes will get worse, the PCOS will cause more pain, the arthritis is already debilitating at times...it will only get more so, the trigeminal neuralgia will require surgery..sooner rather than later, the cervical disc damage in my neck has already lost me the full use of my right thumb..and now my fingers are experiencing the same numbness. I won't even think about my weight issue. It's too damn depressing...
And there are the annoying facts of my life that get in the way of really feeling joyful: my horrific school loans that hang over me like a prison sentence, my poor credit (from said school loans) that will keep me from ever owning my own home, my numerous health issues that knock me down each year at the worst possible times, my lack of health insurance and the jealousy I feel of people who have it and take it for granted, the judgemental attitude so many have towards my daughter..not knowing how truly hard she tries just to make it thru this life. I'm sick of it all!
I don't want a sports car or a casual fling or any of those other things that mid-life crisis' bring to mind...but I do want what they stand for: I want to shake things up. I am tired of my life as it is. I want change. I want purpose. I want support. I want to know every day that I am making a difference. I want kindness and genuineness from the people I interact with. I want to tear off this skin I live inside now and create a whole new me. I'm tired of this one. She's fat and sad and lonely and scared and insecure and overwhelmed and underpaid and a workaholic and anxiety-ridden. I'm ready to trade up. I want the new model. I want to start over and get it right this time.