Being away from home is hard. Being away from my work is even harder, if you can believe it. But being here and loving Anya in the most active and visceral way possible is worth a hundred years of homesickness, a thousand years of not doing the work I love.
If we do not step out of our tiny, self-created comfort zones, if we do not embrace unknowing and just trust the journey, we will never know the depths of love we are capable of. I thought I had a great life -- I loved my daughter, my home, my work, my community, my friends. None of it compares to giving it all up for another human being. Truly.
I'm no martyr. I'm no Mother Teresa, believe me. I am the furthest thing from selflessness, and yet I crave God like I crave water on a hot day. I know the only way to Him, for me, is through sacrifice. I draw closer to him in my need, and in my loneliness. What could be more important?
I've tried a life a leisure. A life of pleasure. A life of amassing material objects. I've tried a life of pursuing knowledge. I've most recently tried a life of pursuing simple happiness. nothing compares.
And this is why I believe in Christ. He is a man after my own heart. He went right to it. He embraced dying so others could live. I never understood the joy in that. I thought I understood why He did it, but now I get that there is "joy" in sacrifice. a joy you can not access ANY other way.
I used to be sad that so many of the people I knew, even family, were content to make themselves happy and disregard the world at large. I used to think I was paying a hefty price for caring. Guess what! The joke's on me! Suffering brings bliss! Self -sacrifice leads to a joy that only those who give in to it can access. It is a paradox. It is a gift. Now I grieve for my same friends. I want them to know this heart-ecstasy.
Today I celebrate the awesomeness of God. The God who chose me to be here. The God who is so full of Love that he would pour out his life for me. God, I hear you today. Thank you thank you for giving me the gift of suffering. My heart sings to you an unending hymn of praise.
|My favorite Mosaic at St Isaac's Catherdral, St Petersburg, Russia.|