Lend Me Some Hope, Will You?

Today Anya asked me what I will do if she cannot come home with us in a few months. I had no answer for her. No matter what the plan, I do have to go home for a January job, and also because my visa runs out then. I told her if we cannot bring her home, we will be back. but I also wonder -- how will I afford it? How will I make it work long-term?

As you can imagine, this trip has put me in debt like nothing else in my life besides college. Every time we go to the grocery store here, I cringe at the rubles being literally eaten up. I try my best to keep the girls occupied with things that don't cost anything. And we walk everywhere. NO buses or taxis for us! ( except to the orphanage of course..) We are very happy despite the limited funds, but even these funds will run out at some point. How do I make it all work?

Tonight the doubt crept in. I've been living solely on faith so far, concerning our future. Today I let my mind ponder, and it doesn't feel good. All the ideas people keep sending me for Anya, we have already tried. I'm so grateful to all of you who write us with ideas, but as you can imagine, in five years' time we have just about exhausted every avenue.

There are things we are working on behind the scenes that can't be talked about, but trust me when I say EVERY day we are on pins and needles hoping for an answer. I worry about even the few short months I will have to go home that Anya will be here alone. People don't understand. It's not like leaving her behind in the US. She has no home, but also there are no homeless shelters to go to. She has no family, but also no agencies or NGOs or anyone to help her manage her days. She has no money...I send her some each month, but no one is there to tell her how to spend it. Remember, this is a girl who lived alone, on her own, for most of her life.. She has NO life skills, and that has become even more evident while we are here.

Even the orphanage she was at confesses that she barely scraped by the few years of schooling she got there. There is no place for her here. She cannot work -- no one will give her a job. She cannot rent an apartment -- no one will rent to her. She has nothing. Nothing.

Anya needs a mother by her side. She never had one. She needs one now, despite the fact that she is 19. She acts more like a pre-teen and has the education of a 9 year old. Would you  leave your nine year old to fend for herself? No. That's where I am at with Anya.

When I pray, I only get the message to be patient. I just wish the message would change. I've been patient for five years and it is getting harder these days. I worry about what kind of work I will do if I move overseas ( I LOVE my work at home.) I worry about what kind of services I can get for Anya over here. ( She is in desperate need of therapy.)

Well, there is my vent of the week. Do with it what you will. I'll be back in top form in another day or two. It's just so hard to hope in a place where hope is such a rare commodity. I'm trying. I really am.

Anya and me, at the Hermitage.