‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Being Honest About the Fear

Lest I lead any readers to think that all this prep time for Dasha is 'peaches and cream' with no effects from nastia's past creeping in, I'm going to come clean. Along with the excitement and anticipation comes great fear for her and lots and lots of memories. I've been clueless the past month....not connecting her recent return to night terrors, baby talk, and clinginess to our upcoming hosting experience. I don't think it's the thought of having to share me, per se, that is scaring her.  I think that Dasha's arrival is reminding her of her transition and her first few months home.

She has woken me up screaming every night this week. Screaming 'MAMA!' at the top of her lungs. She is dreaming of murder and bloodshed and scary men and being separated from me. Returning dreams of orphanage staff and being abandoned. The reason I share this is because I think many parents make the mistake of thinking this is a bad thing. I know it's not. Nastia is still healing. She will likely always be healing. It may seem unfair to put her through the experience of hosting, knowing it will bring up these issues, but I know better. After five years of dealing with RAD and PTSD, I know that I am helping her learn to deal with and move healthily past her fear through these experiences. 

When she was a young child and had nightmares, there was no one to comfort her. Now there is. When she wakes up screaming for me, I am right there to hold her and comfort and remind her that everything is alright. She is dreaming. It's not real -- anymore, anyway. She is learning a new way of being and a new way of seeing the world. There is someone there to catch her when she falls now.

Nastia has an incredibly loving heart. It was not 'available for viewing' her first several years home, but now it shows itself quite regularly. She longs to share her life with others, but is still afraid. Children are less intimidating. She can share with them without fear. Having Dasha to shower her love and attention on will be another healing thing. Teaching Dasha about hope will be a great gift she can pass on. Experiencing Dasha's possible fears and 'walls' will help Nastia understand even her own past and fears and 'walls.'

So, I just wanted to touch on that. It has not been all cleaning and prepping and singing here. Nast has not slept alone in weeks. I cannot even go to the grocery store down the street without her in tow. But it's ok. She is just revisiting those early feelings, and she will be the stronger for this. She will grow.

How apropos: Nastia is calling for me right now -- to sit in the bathroom while she showers. She hasn't needed me there for almost 8 months, but here I go.

 I love my girl....


  1. your love for your daughter is so beautiful:)

  2. hi, no its not fathers day in australia, just a coincidence that i was searching through an old journal and found that piece of paper. I hope your daughter settles to the new thats going in in your lives

  3. I'm glad you were honest about this... One never knows how things will impact children; sometimes I am ready and waiting; other things slip up on me. There are some things which impact Anastasia in ways I'd never suspect.

    It can be irritating - but I remind myself how lucky I am to be "Mama" every time I'm called to be unselfish... Make the sandwich, sit in the bathroom, go to bed with her, watch this, look at that.....etc.

    You are a great mama!


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