She has woken me up screaming every night this week. Screaming 'MAMA!' at the top of her lungs. She is dreaming of murder and bloodshed and scary men and being separated from me. Returning dreams of orphanage staff and being abandoned. The reason I share this is because I think many parents make the mistake of thinking this is a bad thing. I know it's not. Nastia is still healing. She will likely always be healing. It may seem unfair to put her through the experience of hosting, knowing it will bring up these issues, but I know better. After five years of dealing with RAD and PTSD, I know that I am helping her learn to deal with and move healthily past her fear through these experiences.
When she was a young child and had nightmares, there was no one to comfort her. Now there is. When she wakes up screaming for me, I am right there to hold her and comfort and remind her that everything is alright. She is dreaming. It's not real -- anymore, anyway. She is learning a new way of being and a new way of seeing the world. There is someone there to catch her when she falls now.
Nastia has an incredibly loving heart. It was not 'available for viewing' her first several years home, but now it shows itself quite regularly. She longs to share her life with others, but is still afraid. Children are less intimidating. She can share with them without fear. Having Dasha to shower her love and attention on will be another healing thing. Teaching Dasha about hope will be a great gift she can pass on. Experiencing Dasha's possible fears and 'walls' will help Nastia understand even her own past and fears and 'walls.'
So, I just wanted to touch on that. It has not been all cleaning and prepping and singing here. Nast has not slept alone in weeks. I cannot even go to the grocery store down the street without her in tow. But it's ok. She is just revisiting those early feelings, and she will be the stronger for this. She will grow.
How apropos: Nastia is calling for me right now -- to sit in the bathroom while she showers. She hasn't needed me there for almost 8 months, but here I go.
I love my girl....