Slings and Arrows

I've been consciously avoiding posting today. Not because there is a lack of things to talk about, but because I'm scared. Months ago a fellow blogger posted a long piece on how she hated when people blogged about their sadness, especially in regards to the state of things in this world. She was angry that people wrote about the sadness that levelled their hearts, concerning things like 'the orphan crisis' or similar suffering. It was a very cutting piece and she posted it several hours after I had shared one of those very types of posts she so condemned. So I took it personally and have avoided writing anything too depressing since then. I felt singled out and shamed, even if she wasn't talking to me.

Mother & son begging today, at Resurrection Gate.

But all day I've had this darkness weighing heavily on my heart, and I've carried it as bravely as I could and tried to pray it away, then ignore it, then fight it, and now I see how foolish it is to pretend it's not there for fear of offending someone. Sometimes sharing our pain is called for. 

I come from a family that usually hides its pain and sees open expression of it as weakness. I just don't agree.
Friends, sometimes I am very, very sad. So sad it feels like physical pain. You could all give me your arm-chair diagnosis, but I know what it is. You can tell me it's the weather or it's stress or it's the sum total of my emotional history. You might suggest it's unresolved grief or unexpressed anger. All those things I have experienced in my life. 

But this sadness comes from being open to the world. 

It comes from seeing and hearing a great many terrible and awful truths that I wish didn't exist in this world, but do. 

I may be naive -- I don't understand how anyone can live their life without believing there is Someone there to catch them. I don't get most of my friends, who seem to know the answer to life's secret and breeze along like they live in some version of a 'life is sooo good' sitcom. I don't get the focus on material things or constant pleasure-seeking or the need to have the next best anything -- even if that 'thing' is an experience. I don't get the day in and day out focus on 'me me me' and 'fun fun fun'....and the worst part is, I get punished for it.  I feel like an outsider almost all the time, even in my own family, and I grieve the loss in a way I cannot possibly put into words. I grieve the loss of connection with so very many people, just because I think I don't fit in their world view.

I feel so very alone in this world sometimes. I feel abandoned by others I love, feel like I'm not 'good enough' or 'fun enough' or 'laidback enough' . I have had plenty of people in my life tell me directly or indirectly that I'm 'too intense' or 'too dramatic' that I should 'relax' and 'calm down'. They tell me I 'think too much' or I'm a 'downer' because I point out dark things I see. But this is the way God made me. 

I wish you could just accept me as I am.

I'm so glad I have God to turn to. I'm glad I can turn to Him when the world feels heavy and when friends and family ignore, or show painful indifference. I'm glad there is Someone who loves me 'as is' and does not ignore me because I dont have a smile painted on my face most of the time. I'm glad my God loves me the way I should be loved -- unconditionally, infinitely, and forever.

So tonight, while everyone sleeps, and after a very full and remarkable day here in Russia, I am sad. Very, very sad, and I choose always to lay that sorrow in God's lap. He helps me carry it and He instructs me with it. He doesn't always remove it, but He often gives me the wisdom to know that it is going to be ok. People are flawed. People let you down. People can hurt you horribly without even intending it. But God supercedes all of that. He sees us for who we are and loves us just the same. 

If only those we love could do the same.

God asked me to pray for her today.