‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Friday, February 03, 2012

What I've been Meaning to Say Is....

I have started no less than six different posts this week, but I write a few sentences and just lose interest. I can't decided if it is due to exhaustion, laziness, partial writer's block or my worry that I'm a boring writer. It's likely a bit of all of those, but whatever the reason, it's driving me crazy.

I want to want to write. Does that make sense?

I want to share what I'm thinking and experiencing, but the minute I start to express it in typed form, I shut down. I really blog for the sense of community, but when I don't hear feedback from people, I lose interest, I guess.

But I also doubt my ability. I read other blogs that are so inspiring and heartwarming and funny and interesting, and then I always find myself thinking 'I can't write like that -- why even bother?'

I also worry about always sounding down. It's a really tough year and I have to work hard to find inspiring things to write about when really all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to blog if it's not going to help someone. I just don't see the purpose of public complaining -- unless, of course, it's funny.

So the best I can do is give you a list of the things I started to post about but chickened out on. First was the post about Nastia's new interest in art, and all the changes I'm seeing in her through this new obsession. She is surprisingly gifted and her teacher is taking notice and really encouraging her.

Then there was the sad one about her recent obsession with my death. I know that's been reignited from the movie she saw last week, but it's getting positively depressing. All day long I hear 'Where will I go when you die? Who will take care of me? Why can't I die when you do? Why do you have to die? It's not fair. You probably only have five years left. I'll be homeless, I know it. I don't want you to die, mommy...' I just endured 45 minutes of this in her room, in the dark. She finally fell asleep.

Then there was going to be the truthful albeit humorous post about the perils of peri-menopause. You know, that time of life when you become a complete basketcase with no working memory, but extra stores of death-like exhaustion and itchy skin that you want to tear off your body. You know, the time of life when you cry and cry and cry for no reason at all, and even your pets think you're crazy.

Then I was going to write about unemployment, and what it feels like for a first-timer like me. The debilitating fear. The feelings of unworthiness. The monotony. The loss of work joy. (Yes, there is such a thing. I had insane amounts of work joy, and it's gone...)

Another half-written post was about what witty things to say back to all those ignorant people who say really stupid things to your face about adoption. Like the woman who asked me last year if I had any of my OWN children, or just 'HER' [said while gesturing to my daughter, who was standing there] That's a post I definitely want to finish at some point.

I can't remember the other almost-posts off-hand because, well, my memory is shot to hell. But I know there were others. If any of you reading this have any feedback, I'd love to hear it. Like, if you are in that awful peri-menopausal time of life and don't recognize yourself, I'd like to know. I need to know. Or if you have witty comebacks for any of those horrible things people say when you're an adoptive parent, I'd really like to hear them. And write them down on index cards. And laminate them. And put them in my purse. Because I'm definitely of a mind to say them these days, even if it means reading them off a cue card.


  1. I have no advice and no experience being peri-menopausal.....but I just want you to know-I LOVE it when you post something. You are absolutely one of my favorite bloggers out of the probably 75+ blogs I have on my reader. :-)

    1. Aww, thanks Jo:) And when ever you do hit PM, you can ask me all about it, bc I'll be an expert soon. its just horrible....why didnt our mothers tell us about this?

  2. I'm always happy when you post! Sorry I don't always comment. (((hugs))) about all the tough stuff. What kind of art is Nastia into?
    MariaG (Canada)

    1. Thanks MariaG. She is in a 3D artclass and is LOVING it. Doing scuptures out of everything from plaster to ceramics to wire!

  3. Oh, Keri, I follow a lot of blogs, mostly adoption related, and yours is my favorite by far. Your perspective is unique on so many levels. I know I should comment more, but you can be sure I hang on to your every word.

    Our adoptive kids are so insecure about their newfound families. My 5 year old son, home 3 years, was asking me what fraternities are (we live in a college town). I explained that they were clubs that were like families, and when you leave your family and go to a big school, fraternities are like your family at school. I thought that was a pretty good explanation, but he said, "that is so sad." He doesn't want to leave his family- ever.

    Don't worry about writing serial masterpieces! This hodgepodge post is just great! I love to hear what is going on with you and yours.

  4. I hear the dumbest things some days, like are all of them adopted (we have 8) and I answer no, but they are all mine, or when I took my physically disabled kids to the mall and someone asked what group home I worked for? I told the guy the only work I do is being their Mom. He then went on to comment that he thought I was doing a good job with those kids, so I must be doing something right, although I am not about the reference to "those kids".

  5. I have been following your blog for a couple years now, and I LOVE reading every post!! I have strong heart connections to Russia as well, and I understand many of the setbacks and frustrations you experience. Or maybe don't completely understand, but at least sympathize. :) Don't stop writing, because your story is important! You are inspiring! I can't wait to adopt from Russia one day too.

  6. Hi Keri. I look forward to every post you write. I remember when I "found" you. I was engaged from the first moment and I've learned so much from you that has helped me not be one of "those" adoption commenters and it's helped me be a better friend/listener/comforter to all the trauma mamas I'm so blessed to have in my life. You are amazing! When I hit PM I'll be calling you :) Love to you. I'm so sorry you are having to go through unemployment.

  7. Keri, your post did all the things you wished it would--it was witty, personal, insightful, and a refreshing dose of you. : ) I too enjoy your blogging, and only mind when you don't blog if I feel like all is well with you, so I have been worried about you this season. Thank you for sharing where you are, and I am now REALLY sure I am pre-pre-menopausal, and your list explains a LOT and I JUST turned 40 this past fall. Sigh. So, whatever gripes you post on that front will be read like a users-manual by me. ; ) But of course my favorite posts of your are those in which you meet the Living God in Person, in some aspect of your life where you least expected Him. So, THAT is what I will be waiting and praying for, for you.

    much love from the other coast,


  8. I'm sorry to hear that you're still having no luck with the job situation. Unemployment sucks rocks!

    Anyway, I LOVE reading your blog posts! You're one of the first ones I read on my reader! I don't often comment because either someone has already said what I was going to, one of kids is causing a disaster, or I simply can't think of anything to say. But I do always read!

    You, Nastia, Anya and little D (your soon-to-be-son) are always in my prayers. Have a great weekend!

  9. My best reply, when asked if she's my real daughter, is, "She's not imaginary." This, if she's standing right there, is rephrased as, "Oh course she's my real daughter! She's not imaginary. She's right there. See? Real."

    Dreading pm and I bet it's coming soon. I already forget...what was I saying? ;>

    First-time unemployed here. No drama-outlet for...a year now.
    That. is. not. good. for. kate.

    Tell us about your artist! And, I hope the death obsession (which I'm sure Anya being in Russia without you doesn't help) passes soon.

    Hang in there! Write about nothing. Goodness knows I do. OFTEN.

  10. Wow! Thanks everybody! It was soo cool to find so many comments waiting to be posted! Renewed my spirit!

  11. Oh gawd, I just spend a week not eating, sweating my bed into a lake, being hot and cold, being mind-numbingly tired - and that's just this week. I've been on a swing with peri for a while now. And I think, "if this is peri, should I kill myself before it's full-blown Meno, or just hope I lose my mind enough I don't notice when that crap starts?"

    So, yeah...

    I want to want to write, too. Remember all my letters to my little guy? Well, I've not written one in over a year. I can't seem to get myself started. I think of it and then decide I have nothing decent to say, or relate, no wisdom to impart...and I walk away, again. But, years from now, it may be my boy won't care if I don't write a deeply moving letter full or wisdom or stories from his life. Any letter will be precious. So I should just do it. I love reading your blog, you are always right next to me when I read it, so most clearly and definitively "you" is every post. I can see and hear you when I read, and since I don't get out to see people...it's like a visit for me!

    I've not had work joy for about seven years now. More than one bout of unemployment. I know it can be a soul-killer. I wish I had something positive to say, but it really just kind of stinks. I found routine pretty important during those times so I didn't just sit around doing nothing. The bonus was all the time I had for more books! One year I went out and took a low-paying retail job. It was totally different from anything I'd done since I was 16 years old or so, but it was different enough to keep me busy and show me a different perspective. These days, I wish I could go grocery cashier just for one day a week as something completely different to do! LOVE YOU.

  12. I've been in just about the same place. I had a full hysterectomy last year so I'm not peri-menopausal. I am forced menopausal. The HRT, even in super low doses throws me in to massive depression. Don't miss the old bitty, but trying to balance the hormones now is a chore. And my favorite comeback, especially when they tell me the kid who just graphically described how he plans to kill me is "so cute", I very dramatically thank them for offering to babysit for a week so my husband and I can take a much needed vacation. Funny thing...no takers and no vacation...and conversations end abruptly!

  13. PLEASE dont stop writing. You are a unique adoption writer. I haven't found anyone else like you out there. I also read several other "adoption blogs" but yours is very refreshing. You are honest about the good and the bad of adoption. You are not a traditional Christian and you're honest about it. I really like hearing what you have to say. We are here, hanging on your every word :)

  14. Hi Keri! When I see you've posted, I say "OH YAY" to my computer. When I can't comment on what you've posted because if my stupid Blogger or whatever it is, I say other things to my computer I can't put in this comment. I am the firstborn of a sailor, so use your imagination. If you listen carefully, you may be able to hear some of it over the air across three states when I try to post this comment. Yup. PeriM lives here too. Made for fun times yesterday when I was the oppositional and defiant one in the household (and both of us being ODD at the same time; well that's just a delightful picture, isn't it?) Love your blog, Keri.

  15. See.... All these people comment, and I just lose heart. It's no fun commenting on a blog when there are a zillion other comments....but I will because you are SO SILLY. You are one of the best writers I know, with the BEST BLOG. You must know that.

    Work joy. Mine is gone since the merger. I have the work, but not the joy. I have to be happy for that, by itself, I guess. Because money does matter. Those who say it doesn't have it.

  16. Oh, as far as menopause goes. It is not as embarrassing to write about on someone else's blog. Mine happened in ONE FELL SWOOP. No symptoms, no irregular periods, nothing. Just one big sudden, first-time-ever PANIC ATTACK. I spent a week absolutely paralyzed by fear, unable to eat, barely able to move and function. Finally, crawled into a psychiatrist and got drugs for the panic. Realized later that I never had another period. So - got that over with in an interesting way. I've even regretted I'm not still in theater- a career where all experiences are valuable.


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