|credit: Vladamir Konavalov|
I won't. I haven't, and I never will.
Choosing Love makes the storyline more scary, less predictable, and far more complicated than it otherwise could be. Choosing Love sometimes puts us in the direct path of emotional tornadoes and spiritual tsunamis. But it is what we are called to do. We are called to choose love, but too many miss the point. They mistakenly think their choices are to keep their storyline in place.
I have been sad lately. Yes, very sad, and overwhelmed. But that doesn't mean I am incapable of what God set before me. That does not mean I chose wrong. There is no need to abandon Anya, forsake Daniel, or turn my back on the children of orphanage. The problem lies in my penchant for trying to weather the storm alone. I don't do it intentionally, but it does seem to be a habit throughout my life to try to carry the burden by myself. And sometimes it takes my back breaking from the weight of what I'm carrying for me to stop and see clearly what I've been doing wrong. Sometimes it takes a category 5 hurricane. This was one of those times.
My storyline is God's business. He, not I, has chosen to fill my life with a great many chances to help others and, in turn, to suffer the burden of seeing how deep and wide and oh-so-impossibly-unmeetable is the need. He doesn't force me to answer the call, I make that choice myself, and I do it out of Love.
I forget that not only does He love me, but He has my back. I don't have to carry the burden of these sorrows all by myself -- He is there to carry it for me. I just have to learn to let go. Let go, let go, let go. I need to stop trying so hard to do it on my own, and just allow the grace He offers in every moment. I forget that.
I am so grateful to the dozens of you who chose to write and offer words of Love and Support yesterday. Your words, and the Love your words carried to me, were a wonderous blessing. God's hands and feet. God comforting me through you and your willingness to reach out to a soul in pain. It is great to know souls of such kindness and generosity of heart.
So, the dust is settling after the storm. And, as with any storm of merit, the air is clearer and so much debris is washed away. To walk through a storm like that and talk about it is a very brave thing. I don't think this, I know this. But how else to help the next person who finds herself caught in an equally terrifying storm? They have a right to know how others have weathered it! They have a right to know where to seek shelter.
And so, to gently remind those who may be heading into a storm, I find my shelter here:
And to Anonymous from Henryetta, OK: You can stop obsessively checking my blog and my comment thread every few hours. I will not be posting your comment. I will never post anonymous comments that are not kind, supportive, or helpful...unless it can be a teachable moment. Please find another blogger to 'rescue.' I do not appreciate your judgemental attitude. And your obsessive visits, google searches on my past posts, and checking in here all day long do not speak well of your stability.