Settling In and the Onset of Tantrums

It's a rocky road for both Nastia and D -- finding their way this week. Both have similar backgrounds of trauma and neglect, and boy does it shine forth brilliantly when they are together! First may I say, thank God for therapy! Nastia returned to therapy after  a 2 month hiatus and it was incredibly productive. The therapist reminded me that D's visit is bringing up some deep and not-so-pleasant memories on Nastia's part. It's not just the jealousy, it's the constant reminders of her own history. Anyway, following therapy things got a bit more settled.

D is obviously feeling safe and comfortable with us, because the tantrums have arrived. Big ones. The kicking, screaming, red in the face, eardrum-blowing kind. The kind where you can't figure out how all this rage fits in such a tiny little frame. Tonight's was epic, but we managed to survive it and even ended in a very healing way. I asked D, towards the end of her 45 minute tirade if she wanted me to hold her. She nodded and crawled into my arms. 'Rock me, Mama' she asked 'Like a baby.' And so I did. And Nastia and I traded off rocking our sweet little tornado, and she finally succumbed to sleep.

This all happened after I returned from the wake of someone I love very much. His funeral is tomorrow and I still don't have a babysitter. Hoping one will miraculously appear at 9:30am tomorrow.

Well, I'll leave you with a few photos. We still have not found the lost camera, so these are not great quality -- they were all taken with my phone. If we can't find the camera soon, I may have to just give in and buy a new one. Darn.

Wears this Cinderella costume of Nastia's whenever and wherever possible!

Did I mention she adores the animals?

She puts on impromptu shows whenever possible. This one involved a slinky and a lot of dancing and spinning!

Gratitude in the Midst of Pain

It is painful to see my daughter so confused and so insecure about my love.....love I have showered her in for five years...love that is so incredibly obvious that it is difficult for me to fathom how she could ever question it. And yet in the midst of the pain, I am so very grateful to be a mom - her mom. It is also just as painful to see D trying to make sense of her time here. Why isn't this my forever mom? Why can't I just stay here forever if I want to? Why did Nastia get adopted and not me? It makes me sick to my stomach, literally, to see her suffering what we all know to be the complete insanity of our world. And yet, in the midst of the pain, I am so very grateful to have met D and to be given the opportunity to mother her for the time we have. 

God is good. I have to cling to that. God IS good. He has proven it to me again and again in my life -- through many dark times. And even though He seems even indifferent when I suffer the waiting for Anya, I know it is only my limited understanding that says 'indifference'. Silence doesn't mean indifference. It could mean a great many things. I just need to continue to be patient and hopeful and trusting.

Each night I remind myself that, although the facts may point to no, we could still be D's family someday. I leave it in God's hands. If He decides we are not the family for her, I plead for Him to give me the strength to let her go. It's already impossible to imagine saying goodbye to her. I honestly do not know how we'll do it. Luckily we have mentors and support within the hosting program to help -- families who have 'been there/done that'. I'll surely be leaning on their wisdom in the weeks to come.

Anyway, my earlier post was so miserable, I wanted to show the other side of the coin. Even when things are that bad (and they really were pretty horrible today), I know that there is a purpose in all suffering, big and small, and my job is to trust. To try to be at peace, and to trust. 

Tough Day...Thank God It's Over

I don't even want to post about today -- it was that hard. Suffice it to say that everything that could go wrong did. AND both D and Nastia exhibited very challenging behavior from morning till bedtime. If it were only D or only Nastia, I could have handled it better. But both having tantrums and tears at the same time? In this heat? Tough. Very tough. D is expressing frustration and anger at the realization that this isn't permanent. She was under the impression, somehow, that she could choose to stay with us forever if she wanted to, and when we finally got it to sink in that this was not the case, she lost it. I mean a full blown kicking and screeching tantrum in the car. Did I mention our car air-conditioning is broken? Tantrums and extreme heat do not go well together. Did I mention this happened on a four lane highway in afternoon traffic? Throw in a very jealous teen, and you can imagine the tornado of emotion that manifested.  In the end, we all survived and am soooo grateful that D finally just fell asleep (3 hours after her bedtime) and I can head to bed myself!

Nastia has therapy tomorrow night, thanks be to God. If I hear 'You love her more than me' one more time I might lose it. She can rant about the little girl who is 'stealing' her mom (her words today) and maybe get enough off her chest that I will get my regulated daughter back by Wednesday. One can only hope. 

Today With D

On the docks downtown,  watching the fish.

The days are going by too fast. She has already been here one week. I would give anything to slow time down. D seems to have been a part of our family forever, and she is already telling us she wants us to be her family 'forever and ever.'  Its heartbreaking to hear her thoughts on the whole thing. She announced at dinner tonight, out of the blue, 'Next summer I will be coming to stay with you forever!' Nastia asked her what she meant and she added 'Well, the director told me that this time I go home after I visit but then NEXT summer when I come to you, I get to be adopted and stay forever and be your daughter!'

I tried to very gently explain that she is here to visit and we do not know what might happen in the future. I explained that it is up to the government what happens, and I did tell her that ukraine wants 'Papas' in the family, and our family only has a Mama. Her response? 

'Well, Mama, just get one!' Wish it were that easy.

Anyway, aside from the obvious sadness of hearing her hope of being with us forever, the day was wonderful.

We played together all morning before I had to wake Nastia up. I had to work today for a few hours, and D stayed and played with Nastia. When I got back we played checkers, and just played games  around the house, taking it easy. 
At night we went to the pet store, as promised, and bought three fish! She named hers 'Zolishka' (Cinderella). Nastia named hers 'Finny', and the extra one I got talked into is named 'белый' (Bailey) because he is white. Bailey is what the word for white sounds like in Russian. Now it's been an hour of the girls watching every little move the fish make. They are glued to the fishtank. I'm soaked from bath time, because D was pretending to be a mermaid and splashed all the water out of the tub!

D watching all the fish at the pier.

Heading up to put her to bed, and then quiet time with Nastia, before I crash myself. Hope everyone has as rewarding a day...

FYI :Please Read

Thank you to all the readers who have expressed interested in helping D to get adopted or inquired about adopting her themselves! Part of hosting is advocating for these children, and we do intend to help in any way that NHFC sees fit. 

However, I need to clarify that D is not currently available for adoption. I will post in the future if she becomes available, but she is not even on the database, and she also has multiple siblings which may complicate any adoption. 

Lastly,  I have every intention of adopting her if it becomes a possibility in the future. As most of us know, adoption laws change as often as the weather. The 'no single parent adoption' rule in Ukraine is a new law and it was highly contested.  Of course our priority is D finding a family when she becomes available for adoption, and if she becomes available and the law does not change, we will advocate for her in every way possible. If there are families interested, they would need to be a Christian family according to the host agency. And in my opinion, they would really need to be experienced with older child adoption or  at least knowledgeable about it. D is a true sweetheart, but the things I do not post on this blog are the challenging behaviors. This blog is primarily for Nastia and I to chronicle our time with her so that she can someday have a record of her time with us. I do not, therefore, post everything we are experiencing. D is very challenging, and she will need a strong parent that will commit 1,000 percent to her. I believe she would NOT do well in a family with younger children, and will need quite a bit of one on one time with at least one parent for many, many months. A family adopting D would need to have one parent full-time at home. Trust me. It would be in D's best interest to be the youngest in a family, and I have told this to NHFC as well.

Anyway, I did not want to mislead anyone. Yes, the hope is that this hosting experience will help D to find  family, but currently she is not legally free for adoption. We have committed to hosting her again at Christmas time and I will know more then.

Thank you for listening!

Down On The Farm

Local friends will recognize this place. I love Russell Orchards (Goodale Orchards for old-timers, like me.) Nastia really wanted to take D to see the animals and pick blueberries. So we did!     
                             

She rode the old tractor.

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She found a goose feather!

She fed all the animals fearlessly, right out of her hand...

and she picked a whole pint of blueberries all by herself!

Sweet, sweet girl.

A Few More of Your Questions Answered

Beth T asks: Does D have any thoughts about the short time she is here? Did she come with the hope of a permanent placement? Is that typical? Have you seen any of her other friends while she's here?
      
D doesn't seem to quite understand the concept of 6 weeks. Her Director told her she was going to America for 2 months (or so she told us) and she thinks that means she will be a  'grown-up' when she leaves. She just announced this last night. We do have a calendar by the door of her room and have shown her the arrival and departure dates, but she seems unable to process the information. We cross off each day so she gets the idea that time is passing, and we will reminder each week of how many 'sleeps' she has left with us. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about how she will handle departure day. She is insistent that she will be my height when she leaves us.

     As far as we can tell, she seems (thankfully) in the dark about the potential for adoption. We were told that older children and teens might make that assumption based on knowing other kids from their orphanage who have been hosted and then were adopted, but the younger ones think this is in place of summer camp (a fixture for Russian & Ukrainian orphans.) We do not discuss adoption at all around D, obviously, and we can only guess  at how she truly percieves her relationship with us.

     As to her friends, there is a sweet little boy her age who is being hosted three hours away in Connecticut. His host family and I hit it off at the training weekend, and it turns out their host child and D are very close. ( D tells us he is her boyfriend.) We will be visiting them sometime in the next two weeks. D has spoken on the phone with him, though.

Melia asks: How does someone go about adopting the children that are hosted? You said you can't post her birthdate, but can you tell us how old D is (or did I miss it somewhere)?

     I do know that if a host family is interested in pursuing adoption, the host agency has  adoption agencies they recommend. Not all of the children are available for adoption, but the majority are. International adoption is a roller-coaster ride and obviously not for the fainted-hearted. Hosting a child for 6 weeks is really the best way to see if that child would be a good fit for your family. I think that's another reason why hosting often leads to adoption. You get to know the child so intimately.

     D is six and a half years old. She is also not currently available for adoption, but will be soon. Of course our hope is that she will become available right as the Ukrainian government reverses their recent single parent adoption ban. It is a very new law and likely to change. I've received conflicting information about singles adopting. I spoke with a single mom who was able to adopt from Ulraine after the ban, but it was a special needs child. That may have been the reason they let her. We can only pray the timing works out for us.

Anonymous asks: Have any jealousy issues come up for Nastia? I know she is diagnosed with RAD and assume this adjustment might be difficult for her, however much fun she is having, too. Is she adjusting to sharing you?

 What perfect timing for this question. The answer is yes. Today, as a matter of fact. Nastia has done so well all week. I was really impressed. She has been such a trooper. As amazing as D is, she also requires quite a bit of one on one attention. I'm guessing, from my teaching and education background, that she might have ADHD. its difficult to diagnose in girls as it is, but with the limited time i've known her, its even harder. She is a tornado of energy from 4am to 9pm every minute of every day. And that is not an exaggeration.  Nastia is used to quiet, and alone time, and a set schedule, and 12 hours of sleep a night.  Adjusting has been hard for her and today she announced to me that she was ashamed, because she felt jealous of D and the attention I have to pay to her.  I'm proud of her for recognizing it, and we are talking about it quite a bit. She's terrified of losing me, and I'm doing all I can to comfort and assure her that D's presence does not affect my love of her in any way. This is the best thing that could happen for her, though, because she needs to work through these feelings. She loves D very much, and that helps to counter the jealousy a bit.