And The World Spins Madly On...

Me with one of my dearest friends, Alex,
at Southwark Catherdral in London last week.

A Weepies song keeps playing in my head over and over today. The title of this post comes from that song. I think its stuck in my head because I've heard from a friend who also had a failed adoption from the Prokopyevsk area this past year, and her little boy is not faring well. I think of Daniel every day, but, if I'm honest, the pain of loss is sometimes so gut-wrenching, I actually push thoughts of him away more often than not. And for that I'm sad - my heart has certainly changed from all these losses.

And yet, in the midst of the sadness, there are always pockets of light. I think that's why I love Shakespeare so much; he knew that in the midst of deepest grief comes laughter, and in the whirl of maddening joy, comes tears. Always.

Always. 

And so, lately, despite my heartsickness, I keep experiencing these strange moments of euphoria and bliss that I cannot understand or articulate. 'This is what it must feel like to be insane...' I thought the other day. My mom says to see it as a gift from God, a well-earned reprieve from a life too often illuminated with pain - 'enjoy it',  she offers. But I don't think God goes around balancing things out for everyone. If He did, the world would seem a much fairer place. Rather, I think it is some strange neurological occurrence, maybe brought on by a hormonal imbalance or something. I've researched the hell out of it with no real answers. But, I'm trying to take my mom's advice anyway and just enjoy it for what it is and be grateful.

Life is overflowing with responsibilities, booked schedules, taxiing Nastia here and there to tennis and ortho appts and the like, getting ready for my very full summer schedule, hiring staff, editing scripts, retweaking curriculum.  Spare minutes are used up by walking dogs, feeding foster kitties, packing lunches, and folding clothes. It's never ending, isn't it? And yet there is a great beauty in the mundane. Some of my favorite moments come when I am washing a dish, cleaning a litterbox, watering a flowering lily on my windowsill. It's like our breath. Each near-silent breath in, and out, is fraught with significance. If we are present in each moment,  the curtain parts....God shows his face. 

I just got back from two weeks in England. To say it was life-changing sounds overly dramatic but, in fact, doesn't even come close to defining what we experienced. It was a gift emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Twelves whole days with twenty people I love and adore. To call them my students seems hardly accurate either. Twenty young kindred spirits. We had the time of our lives, and I'll be reliving the moments of this trip for years to come. Perhaps I'll come here and write about it soon, but no today.

I'm still wary to post anything about adoption goings-on here. It hasn't paid off in the past. I will say that, God-wiling, Daniela will be here for summer hosting in 8 weeks and my heart leaps out of my chest just thinking about it! I will say that Nastia and I will be heading to Siberia at the end of this month to see Anya and Daniel. Lots of planning to do for that.  And I will say that I still trust that Love will win in the end. Love wins, even when it looks like Love has been not only squashed and beaten, but bloody well murdered. Be comforted - He hasn't. Love wins, my friends. 

Love always, always wins!