Where Things Stand

I don't have an update on Anya except that she had a fourth surgery this past week. We have been unable to reach her via skype or email for almost a week. I'm going to try calling my friend Svetlana tonight and see if she knows anymore.

The last update I heard from the surgeon via Svetlana is that Anya must stay there for at least three months. The doctors there do not think she should be flying before then. I have to trust them. In the mean time, I have almost everything I need to apply for humanitarian parole EXCEPT the letter from the doctors in Kemerovo. I'm praying they will decide it is ok to send me a letter to submit SOONER rather than later. The good news is, it seems they agree that Anya will need rehabilitation HERE, and that they are willing to sign their name to that. So far they have managed to save her foot, but its unsure if it will be useable.

Now I come clean on where I personally am at. I am grateful to hear from those who have been in my shoes, or something nearly to it. I am grateful to those who can offer words of hope or wisdom, but please oh please do not post if you are here to condemn me or shake a finger at me or say " you should have" or " I told you so." I am honestly so fragile these days that one mean comment might undo me..and I am not being dramatic. I really mean that.

Life has been incredibly difficult for the past 5 weeks. After I had the stroke I was supposed to take it easy, see my neurologist, start physical therapy twice a week, de-stress my life. I have not done any of those. My life seems to be so jam-packed with other people's needs that I truly am starting to wonder what I have gotten myself into. I feel completely ill-equipped to deal with what is on my plate. For a taste of what that is, and this is only a glimpse, if truth be told:

~Nastia begins school in a week. We are not prepared. She needs more testing done, school supplies, school clothes and shoes, and needs plenty of emotional preparation. Sadly, when I spoke to the school, I was transferred to an enldess stream of very mean people who spent most of the conversation lambasting me for not calling sooner. I hung up in tears.

~We have had a new 'family member' this summer that I have not spoken of much, out of respect for her and her family. She is a lost soul who has been through tremendous pain and upheaval in her 18 years and who called me in early July in desperation after a domestic assault at her partner's home. She had (and still has) nowhere else to go right now, and I love her dearly. But having another person, with huge needs, in our small home is another major stressor. N's needs are great and I find myself unable to meet all her needs and feel terrible guilt for that. I've been taking care of her as best I can, but its hard. I wish I had a live-in therapist to help her. She is about as fragile as I am right now. I know God placed her here with us for a reason, but I feel useless in helping her learn to make better choices for herself. I worry for her every day.

~I still am experiencing some after-effects from the stroke, but it's hard to tell what is from residual brain swelling and what is just stress. I haven't talked to anyone about it, because I can't handle another person giving me 'hell' for not taking care of myself. It doesnt help to tell me that. I already know I'm not doing what I should. Don't you think I would if I could? My hospital stay was also so traumatic that I have been positively terrified of going back for more tests. I had a full-fledged panic attack when getting one of the CAT scans, and another during the MRI. ( If you havent experienced one before, I cant possibly tell you how terrifying it is.) I'm still experiencing PTSD symptoms from time in the hospital, and it unexpectedly brought up TERRIFYING memories from an early childhood hospital stay and surgery from when I was only 4 years old.. I've had four mind-numbing flashbacks this month. It is like being there again...almost unbearable. I'm scared, too, that the neurological issues I'm dealing with from the stroke wont go away. I'm scared.

~ I'm so behind in catching up on Daniel's adoption, I feel like I dont know how to start again. I'm still so angry at what occurred in the spring, dealying me at the ONLY time I had to get it done, and once my job started in late June, I knew I would not get to restart anything until September. And yet the people involved do not seem to understand. Running my own business makes it VERY hard to just take time off to complete it. I wish I had a paperwork whizz who could finish it all for me. And meanwhile, I get updates from the orphanage that Daniel is so sad and so confused. And I can do almost nothing to ease his pain.

~ As often and as hard as I try to hand all these issues over to God, I find myself still waking up nightly in abject fear. I wake dreaming that Anya has died. I wake from a dream that Daniel is taken from me. I have constant nightmares about all these unfinished things in my life. I keep having a re-occurring nightmare of drowning. I wake gasping for breath.

I dont even know where to start. My house is a mess. My computer has died, but I cant afford a new one. Anya wants me in Russia, my health requires me here, Daniel thinks I've abandoned him, Nastia says my stress is affecting her. And I pray and I hope and I call out to God. Some days all I can do is breathe and try to make it to the next hour.

I can only assume this is one big spiritual test. I wish I could say I'm passing it, but it feels more like I don't even understand the questions being asked of me. It feels ike the test was meant for someone with more experience. Like I'm taking the wrong test, and any minute a teacher will walk in and recognize the mistake.

I feel like a broken record...repeat...repeat...repeat.... All I can muster is requests for prayers. but I feel I've worn out my welcome in people's lives. I have a handful of other things I cant even talk about here that would make your head spin. I"m even raking a risk in sharing some of the thinfs I have today, but I'm doing so in the remote chance that someone has something helpful to share. Until then, I try to hold on until a better day appears. And keep calling on Him. Over and over again.