A Great Big Giant Heart-felt Thank you!

Just came home from (if you can believe it) helping my Social Worker pick out a new dog at the Northeast Animal Shelter! She came for our final homestudy meeting today, and invited us to go with her to help pick out a dog! Anyway, more on that later. I wanted to post that, while we were away for those few hours, enough people donated towards Bridget's travel costs, that she exceeded her goal by $25! She now has enough for her airfare, and $25 to put towards her visa costs! (Oops, forgot to mention visa costs to her mom...lol!)

It would be premature for me to post that she and her mom are definitely joining us without actually talking to her mom first (lol)...but, it's looking GOOD!

Thank you so much everyone! I can't WAIT till Bridget hears the news tomorrow!!! God bless you all! And for those who requested Sock Animals, she'll get them to you as soon as possible!

Thank you for your generous outpouring of support for this amazing girl!

24 Hours Left!

If you're reading this, I hope you can spare 5 minutes and a few dollars to help. Bridget has 24 hours left to come up with her airfare. I'm doing all I can to get the word out. It would mean the world to my daughter to have her new best friend travel to her hometown with her next month. If I weren't so financially strapped myself, I'd PAY for Bridget to go with us! If you can spare a few dollars to help her meet her goal, you will be part of the team that made this girl's dream come true! Please spread the word, if you can! I promise we will post video, photos and great stories every day of our journey over there. You will not be disappointed!

Easter Call To The Orphanage

Local Priest blessing the children.

Nastia and I have been trying to reach Anya by phone for days, as we need to give her the code for her monthly Western Union cash pick-up. Although the Kemerovo western Union people let my friend Svetlana pick up funds without the code, they won't let Anya. Anyway, we've had no luck. Her phone is either off or out of funds again. So we decided to try the orphanage since it was Easter morning there. I was happy that one of the caretakers I know fairly well answered. She was so happy to hear my voice, she yelled "Kitty!" ( That's what my name sounds like when spoken by a Russian.) " Kitty! Happy Easter!"

I told her I was calling for that very reason, to wish a Happy Easter to all of them. She yelled slowly into the phone, " I WILL GO GET D. HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!" So I heard her scamper off up the stairs, and D's name repeated at a high decibel multiple times. D came to the phone and sounded much happier than he did a few days ago. He said he missed us and hoped we could come soon. He said that everyone there was well. Nastia wanted to talk to him, so they had a long conversation about a great many things. She warned him again about smoking (many of the kids there smoke...even as young as nine and ten years of age.) She told him about the beach near our house. She told him about his room and explained legos to him, and how much he would probably love legos..lol. She warned him that the dogs will want to sleep with him, and we even had Henry and Matilda (our dogs) say a quick hello to him on the phone. He liked that alot.

Then Nastia surprised me in asking him how he'd feel about having a younger brother or sister. ( Nastia knows that we are eligible to adopt two, and she has started advocating for a younger sister.) She explained this to D and then I heard her say 'Do you know any nice kids younger than us that would make a good sister or brother? It has to be someone that we can be in charge of 'cause we are older...so no one too crazy.' I stopped her and said it might not be a good idea to discuss this with him, but before I could finish, D was yelling in the hallway to the caretakers 'Hey, do we have any good kids here under ten that could be my little sister?'

I was mortified! I got on the phone and told D that this was something we could only discuss with the Director and each other. So he said 'Ok, Mama, but I will still look around for Nastia and find somebody really good."

So that was our very unexpected phone call. Nastia knows, and I had her explain to D, that we would only adopt another child if it were completely evident that it is what God is asking of us, like it was with him. If anyone reading this is thinking, how can she possibly afford another adoption? The added cost if I adopt at the same time as D, is under $3,000. THat is the reason I have quietly been contemplating it since we commited to adopting D. If it's God's will, it will happen. If not, we really won't be able to afford another adoption for 4-5 years. We'll see. But it was sweet that both Nastia and D are so enthusiastic about having a younger sibling. It was very cute to hear them discussing it together. I think these two will get along fine. Can't wait to see them together again. Strike that. Can't wait to see him home. 

When He Sings To Me

God sings to me. And not just once in a blue moon. God sings to me about as often as I need Him to, which is at least once every few weeks, I'd say. It's one of the dearest ways he expresses His love for me. He has his favorites, too - Your Song by Elton John, True Colors by Cyndie Lauper, Longer by Dan Fogelberg. They will flow out of my car radio, or sometimes in the background music at a restaurant. One time, as I cried, it was a car that pulled up next to me at the beach. It was dark, and the older man in the car couldn't see me, but when he turned on his radio and Elton John started playing, I knew who it was for.

And I can tell you that God loves all kinds of music. He has sung Death Cab for Cutie and Bob Marley with as much love and intention as pieces by Ella Fitzgerald or Frank Sinatra. He has comforted me with Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel. He has encouraged me to move forward with Beautiful Day by U2. You see, music is His thing. Now I'm sure there are those skeptical types reading this with a narrowing eye. God singing? To us? Are you kidding? All I can say to those of you cut from that cloth is, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you are not open enough and trusting enough to know that God would sing to you too - IS singing to you -- if you'd just listen.

I've had truly miraculous experiences of God speaking to me through music in my lifetime. Sometimes there have even been others present to witness the 'coincidence.' A few times I've even had someone share their own 'God singing' stories with me. Which brings me to why I'm posting this tonight. I've had a night of absolute bliss. An outpouring of God's love that can only be described as grace. There is no way to really describe it except to say it feels something like endless warm oil being poured over your body, while your heart feels so enveloped by love that you honestly think you might die from the joy...and you don't even care..it feels that good. I don't know why I have been so blessed to experience this. I certainly don't deserve it. But it continues, even now, though it is fading. And in the midst of it, I asked Him, if He could, to please pass this experience on to my children instead. Please let Nastia and Anya and Daniel have this experience of Love. And in that moment, the experience intensified so much that I thought I might leave my body.

There is no possible way for me to share the experience with you, as much as I yearn to. Please just know that there is a God who is so unspeakably powerful, so endlessly forgiving, and so infinitely loving, that He chooses to speak to us, sing to us, and even climb into our hearts and live in us. He loves us more than we can possibly understand with human reason.



So, let God sing to you. 


Listen for His song. 


Ask. Seek. Knock. The door is open.

Orphanage Visit Video Clips

Heading Back to Siberia

Kemerovo Region, from the air.

It seems that it just may be God's will that we head back to Siberia sooner than expected. With all my paperwork woes (I don't share the details because it may come back to bite me), I was looking at travelling back in well over a month from now. I don't have everything I need for D's dossier, and so it seemed imprudent to go. However, God is making it evident that 'soon' is needed.

First, there is the fact that Project 143 needs me to go over as a representative to meet with the DOE in Kemerovo to get a final yes or no to our hosting program. Without saying too much, the DOE has made hoop-jumping into an art form these past few months, and poor Tammy of Project 143 has had to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars and untold hours of time trying to submit ever-changing requirements to the DOE. At this point, it only makes sense to have a person there to meet with them and convince them, face to face, that we need an answer now -- even if that answer is 'no.' Project 143 will assist with my travel expenses.

Second, through our dealings with the DOE for this hosting program, we have just found out that the 'decision-makers' will be on vacation from April 25th until after May 15th. If we do not get an answer before their vacation, the hosting program cannot happen. Also, this means that I cannot be issued an official referral for D until after May 15th. This puts his adoption off by quite a bit, and could easily mean that my court date does not happen until after the summer recess. ( The Kemerovo Judge is away for the entire month of August every year.)

Third, but most important to me, Anya is not faring well. She has reached her limit once again, is is suffering with depression and is begging me to come back. 'Even just for a day, mama.' I had told her I'd likely be there in February. She is desperate to see her sister and me as soon as possible.

The hard part is I will have to plan our trip very quickly and this is not something I am good at OR enjoy. I'm worried about all the plans I need to make in the next week or two. I'd have to find a way to be IN Kemerovo no later than April 21st so I can meet with the DOE contact before her vacation. That means leaving the US by the 19th, which means I have less than two weeks to plan.

Will you help me? Will you pray for smooth sailing? My track record as of late is not good. I need much in the way of prayer and support. Aside from praying, I could use help with simple logistical plans -- what are my priorities when I go to the orphanage? I likely will only get to spend two full days there because of time and money constraints. How can I best serve Anya while I am there? How can I keep myself physically well? Flying causes major arthritis flare-ups for me, and I always come down with a fever or bad cold after such a long flight. Any advice? Lastly, please pray also that the 'decision-maker' at the DOE will approve this program. I cannot even tell you how much time, energy, money and work has gone into planning it. I can't bear the thought of 'no', even though I know that is the most likely answer.

Love to all of you, and great gratitude.

Siberia, from the ground.

Sometimes, There Isn't A Happy Ending

I've been avoiding this blog. Haven't even stopped by to look at my blog-feed lately. I've been quite down, and it's hard to think of writing when you're in the dark. Who wants to read someone else's whining and groaning? But today it's getting the better of me and I know there are a few souls out there who are in a better space right now and can offer my heart some words of wisdom.

I positively hate that money can hold us back from being able to do what's important sometimes. I've gotten pretty good a living a very frugal life, and I like it that way...most of the time. But sometimes, I get really jealous of those with better means. I really do. Like right now -- Anya is sad and wanting me with her. I had told her we'd be there in February, and then March..and now it's April. She feels like once again, someone has promised something but not delivered. I hate that this time it's me, and that money so often holds me back these days. I told her I would send her $100 this coming Friday, but she doesn't even want me to. 'I just want you, Mama.' Could my heart possibly break anymore than it has? Yes, it seems it can.

Katya and Anya, in the shed she often sleeps in.

For the last two months she's been relatively stable and it's taken a mountain of guilt and worry off my shoulders. I was able to breathe again, and for the first time in six years, I was feeling like maybe she'd be ok. Maybe that three months of us living over there healed something in her. Maybe my failure to bring her home was not the biggest failure of my life...maybe she'd actually be ok. But it's just not so. And I feel like such a broken record when I write about Anya. I feel like I am turning people off, because, well, it has been six years of non-stop familial agony laid bare. But I have to unburden my heart tonight.

I'm so sad, so very very sad. I want to know why God hasn't answered my prayers. I want to know why six years of sacrifice, ceaseless prayers, endless pounding on political doors, non-stop letter-writing, weeping for hours on end, giving up countless personal dreams and dreams for my at-home daughter....why are these not enough? I believe in a God for whom nothing is impossible, so I wonder what I have done or failed to do that He hasn't brought Anya home to us? is it His will that she remain alone, homeless, poverty-stricken..separated from her sister and a mom that loves her?

I've had hundreds of people tell me over the years that I just 'need to trust', 'be faithful', or 'don't give up hope!'. I know these people mean nothing but good, but these things repeated over and over do nothing to comfort me or heal my or Anya's heart. Some days, like today, it becomes nearly unbearable.

sisters belong together.

The other night I had a rare night out with two of my favorite students. It was doubly wonderful because we were going to see my favorite play, and we were seeing it at my alma mater. It was a rare night out for me, and I enjoyed almost every minute of it. But not all of it.

In six years I have been unable to truly, completely and unbashedly enjoy anything, because I have Anya fixed in the center of my heart, and when I enjoy anything, I cannot help but remember that she isn't here. Then the guilt sets in. The other night, seeing The Winter's Tale, had me weeping in the dark of the theatre because the play is so hopeful, and I had a rush of joy infuse me, and I imagined that the statue of Hermione come to life was me, embracing Anya. For those few minutes of mother and daughter reunited on stage, I felt almost certain I would experience such a perfect and permanent reuniting with Anya. But no. Experience speaks otherwise.

Nastia has been missing her sister alot lately. She calls her nightly but doesnt always get through. This week she tried four nights in a row, and then curled up in my arms defeatedly at 4am that last night, and cried. 'She's just not answering, mom. but I need her to...'

So today, Nastia tried again and reached her, but the joy was short-lived. 'Mom, she sounds so sad.' Nastia whispered while holding the phone. And she was right, she did. We tried everything to coax out of her what was wrong, but I knew in my heart what it was anyway. The pain of separation doesn't go away.

'I just want you here, Mama. Don't send anymore money. Just come.'

At the orphanage, D is faring better because the Director is able to comfort him and reassure him. When he comes to her thinking I have changed my mind about adopting, she explains to him very carefully about the paperwork. But for Anya, there is no comforting presence to reassure her. She is still a child drifting from house to house, friend to friend, waiting for the ground to stop shaking beneath her. And here I am, thousands of miles away trying to fix things with my bootless prayers and band-aid phone calls. I want to give up, not on Anya, but on all the pain. I didnt sign up for this -- a story without a happy ending.

Stories are supposed to have happy endings, especially the ones about orphans with lifetimes of abuse and neglect. This story doesn't even have an ending at all. It's just one long whimpering cry to the universe that echos into infinity. No resolution. No comfort.

No end.