‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Sunday, March 27, 2011

What's A Mother To Do?

Anya and me in St Pete, in October.
We talked to Anya twice this week, and she is desperate to see us again. I had told her we'd likely be back in February, so you can see why she is anxious -- it's almost April. On top of that, Nadezhda ( Orphanage Director) contacted me and D is very worried that I have changed my mind. He begged her to ask me to come visit now. 'I want to see her', he said. What's a mom to do?

Two things have been holding us back from going. First, money is more than tight right now and I'm not sure how I can afford to go just now, unless I borrow the funds. We've had a few unexpected expenses lately and, on top of the cost of the adoption, it has put us in a tough spot financially. Second, not all of D's paperwork is done and I had hoped to submit it all in person on this next trip. If I can have a friend submit it, then that is not a problem, but I'm pretty sure I need to submit it myself since I am adopting independently.

Still, I feel such a longing to go...to see Anya, to see D, to give as much love to the kids at the orphanage as I can. I keep hearing from my Siberian Shakespeare students, too. " When are you coming back? We need to see you!" I'm trying to convince myself that borrowing money is not a big deal, but it is to me. I do have a few friends who have offered to lend it, but borrowing scares me. I worry about how long it will take me to pay it back. I have plenty to spend on the kids once I'm there ($1600!), thanks to all the orphanage donations that have come in since December...but getting there is the problem.

I'm going to take today to pray and meditate about it. Something keeps nudging me to get over there fast, but its hard to listen when there are money worries! I know that every pre- and post-adoptive parent reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Last night I read about someone winning 319 million dollars in the lottery, and all I could do was calculate how many adoptions that could fund, over and over again. Nearby, a country club has recently torn down a beautiful stately, albeit old, mansion and what did they put up in its place? A bigger, more elaborate palace of sorts. Every time I drive by it, I think of how all that money was wasted. A bigger, more modern palace for the golf players enjoy. It just dumbfounds me how people can waste money on such useless things when there are millions of children in need all over the world. It boggles the mind.

Well, enough ranting. Ranting doesn't get us anywhere. I try to not think about these things, but my mind gets obsessed with them. I hope God will help me to be less judgemental of the rich. It's my biggest prejudice and it does not serve me well. Better to keep my eyes on what I can do to make a difference, and leave others to their own choices.


  1. Feel the longing. But be the parent. You can't go. Get the paperwork done. Then go. Otherwise you risk having spent your travel money, not filing the paperwork during an early-April trip because it wasn't ready, and then not being able to go back with paperwork in hand, because you really can't afford to go twice.

    Get the paperwork done. Use the longing as motivation. D will have his feelings too, and he will worry, but once you do come for him, he'll know that you meant it all along. Meanwhile, don't risk pushing that day back because everyone is having uncomfortable feelings.

    You are the mother. You know spending this money right now is too big of a deal. You might not have lottery money, but you are rich. Just get the paperwork done.

  2. It's a tough thing to have feet in two countries and have an ocean in between. All things in wisdom and order.

  3. Thank you both. jen, I know you're right. That's part of why I posted such a private concern. I needed support in doing the logical thing. For me its almost impossible not to respond when someone I love says they need me. My whole being wants to drop everyting and "fix" thngs for them. I'd appreciate prayers in helping me get through the next couple weeks. Theyre likely to be rough!

  4. I judge everything I do now against the need for adoption funds. When I went to Taco Bell and spent $7, I was not pleased with myself. All of us have been in this particular spot, and my two cents is that you must keep your eye on the prize. Do not spend money you don't have, and what you can get, put towards the adoption - nothing else.


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