What's Going On

Anya sent us updated photos of Sasha today, and they are so beautiful! I can't wait till she gives me the okay to share some publicly. Until then, you'll have to just imagine the most exquisite, chubby-cheeked cherub, with soulful eyes, a button nose, and the sweetest little lips that look just like Anya's. In every photo she is staring adoringly at her mama, and her mama ( Anya) has the biggest, most joyful smile on her face. I could burst from happiness. I honestly did not know how Anya would take to being a mom, but by her own admission, she is in love!

No adoption news this week, just more not so patient waiting. I talk to my little miss sunshine today ( I call her every week) and she was chattering away about school, her little foster brother, her after school sports program, and how cold it is getting there! 'You better bring every warm thing when you come!' she  warned me.

Nursing a sore throat/sinus infection today that I caught from Nastia, which is annoying, but should be short-lived based on the amount of healthy things I am taking to fight it. I just have much to do, so I get frustrated when I'm slowed down like this. I'm trying to make the best of it by catching up on reading, since all I feel like doing is drinking tea, sleeping and lying in bed!

My whole life feels like it is in a holding pattern while I await the court dates. Hard to make any plans when you know you'll be heading overseas any minute. so I'm focusing on cleaning and organizing everything, but one can only do so much of that without going crazy!

I miss the summer already. I miss the sun, and long days outdoors. My body and mind seem to be craving more light. I'm trying to convince myself to get up at dawn every day (when I'm feeling better) and walk outdoors while the sun is first coming up. Thus far I have only managed to hit my snooze alarm until 7am every day. I'll make a renewed commitment once I'm feeling less blah.

I haven't forgotten about supporting the 7 older girls who aged out of the orphanage. I sent money for them to share last month, and I hope to match them with people soon. I'm just still struggling with how best to help them, and finding better ways to send them the funds other than western union. But haven't found anything better yet. Keep them in your prayers as winter approaches. They are all doing ok for now, but winter brings its own set of challenges there, and I know they need more support in the coming months than they have needed this summer.

I'm hopeful that the next time I post will be good news of travel abroad, God willing!

'Waiting in Joyful Hope'

If you're Catholic, you recognize that phrase. We hear it at every Mass, directly after the 'Our Father'. I never really thought specifically about those words, but tonight they sprung to mind. Although I'm not the most patient soul in the world, I am honestly enjoying these past few weeks of patient waiting to hear from overseas about my court dates. I've been in this position three times before...waiting for Nastia's court dates, then Anya's, then Daniel's. All three were very different experiences as I became less and less trusting and more and more cynical as time dragged on and answers never came for two of those adoptions. But here I am again, in the same place - waiting - and I can't help but feel I am 'waiting in joyful hope.' Some of you might think I'm crazy to hope after such losses, and you may be right. But all I know is that my heart feels expectant - joyfully expectant.

I will not know if this adoption will truly succeed until I leave the courtroom with my little girl on the final court date, months and months from now. This first trip that I am likely to make in October is just for our initial court date. It gives me guardianship of her until our final court date. It is truly scary for me to think of what may come. I honestly do not know which way the road will bend, but I am strangely calm and blessedly hopeful. It is not my own experience that allows this hope, it is surely grace. Grace from a God who loves me truly, madly, deeply. I feel it in my bones. It's grace.

And so, I am spending my days cleaning her room, getting the house in order, doing as much prep work for my job as I can...so that IF (and I truly embrace the IF)...so that IF I am blessed with the gift of her homecoming, I am as ready for her as I can be. Ready with not just her clean room and an orderly house...but with a wide open heart and a willing soul.

I know from experience the road ahead will not be easy either way. If she comes home, I know there will be days I do not feel I'm strong enough, or wise enough, or worthy enough to be her mom, but that's where God comes in. Scoff all you want, I know He is there. I've lived it. I have my share of atheist  friends who smirk at my 'naive' trust in 'something that doesn't exist.' (their words). But I feel no need to convince them, or you. Love is patient. It'll find It's way to each of us one day. 

All I know is that I could not have survived the things life has brought to my door if there weren't a loving God. Trust me, if I could take credit for  overcoming all I have, I would. I'm human - who doesn't like to get credit for for overcoming the big stuff? But I can't. I know better. I've seen and heard and felt the power of his intervention, his involvement, and his insatiable, unspeakable, unknowable Love for me. Do I get it, understand it? No. But there it is, anyway. 

Nastia was cuddling me as close as she could last night, grasping my face in her hands. 'Mom? Sometimes I love you so much I think I'm going to explode from the power of it.' 

I know how she feels, because that, of course, is how I feel about her. Sometimes just watching her sleep fills me with a love that I think might consume me, body and soul, and I might die right then and there from the power of it. I get it, Nastia, I really do. 

And you know what? I think that is exactly what it is like for God, too. His Love for us is so all-consuming, so infinitely unspeakable and extraordinary that it creates universes and galaxies in testament.

The next time you don't feel loved, look at the night sky and imagine that it is God's love letter to you. His Hand scrawled those stars against that inky darkness out of his pure delight of you. 

That's how I see it, anyway.  :)

Joy Overflowing

Do you ever experience unexpected bursts of joy? Joy not tied to any experience or memory? Joy that seems to just be 'visited' upon you? I'm having that again. Part of me doesn't even want to write about it, my being superstitious and all. But I am startled by its visitings and want to remember it when the dark days come, as they inevitably do.

Last night I had an unsettling experience of time. It was dusk, and suddenly I felt aware of many people across the word all at once, grieving. I felt mothers grieving the loss of children who had passed, I felt the grief of parentless children, of people sitting in prison alone, of elderly people left alone in their time of need, of people battling terminal illnesses - just an expanding of my awareness of suffering all in one instant. But then I felt this incredible energy blanketing all of those people and things with a love that I cannot possibly articulate. The love was so completely unconditional and all-encompassing, it felt like the love I have for my own daughter times a billion. My heart felt like bursting. Although it was a very contradictory picture - grieving humanity and a fiercely loving presence overlaying that - in the moment I experienced it, it did not feel contradictory. It was as if all the grieving did not matter in the face of this loving Presence. It was as if all the grieving and loss melted away, and all that was left was the relationship between this Loving Presence and the people it sheltered.

This is how I experience God. A love that is so profound and so infinite and so personal and so real that it melts away the darkest, deepest suffering. I think that is what we feel when we die -- we are born into God's arms and all the suffering and hurt and heartbreak melts away. The light of that Love is so powerful, we cannot even remember the most terrible of our griefs.

The past few years have brought me some tremendous heartache. Losing Daniel, continued separation from Anya, the inability to truly help all those beautiful children from Orphanage #5 in Siberia. Some days felt impossible to get through. Sometimes friends ask me why I keep taking big risks when the odds are so obviously not in my favor. I have to say, I do it because my heart calls me to it. I do it because I know it's right to do. I do it because I know someday the pain and suffering will be wiped away. I want to leave this earth knowing I did everything in my limited human power to show the unloved they are loved, to show the shamed they are beautiful and to show the forgotten they matter. I have found nothing else on this earth that is of more value.

I feel like I'm stepping into a new chapter of my life. I'm not sure why or how, but I feel new lessons on the horizon, and this excites me. Thanks to all of you reading this who are a part of my journey here. I feel fortunate to have so many guiding lights in my life. I hope I am able to do the same for you when you need it.

I hope, in your darkest hours, you feel the Love that is surely blanketing you.

Phew!

Our sweet little visitor this summer 

Sorry for the blog being shut down for awhile! Had some blogger issues and then simply got too busy to fix it and post this summer. My summer program ended Sunday, and now I have my annual month off, and time to post!

Best news of all: Anya had her baby! Sasha was born the last day of August and was a healthy 7 pounds. She is breathtakingly beautiful, and Anya is doing well and breastfeeding. Although we couldn't afford to go back over for the birth, we are calling her every day and sending support. We'll visit as soon as we are able!

On the adoption front - Just waiting for my court dates. With my history of adoption woes, I don't want to assume anything, but the expected time frame is for early October dates. We'll wait and see. I'll then go over for 2 weeks and then bring her home. If you are the praying kind, I really truly appreciate your prayers. Sadly D is being moved from her foster home to an orphanage soon. My prayer is I get over there as soon as possible, as she is really terrified to go back to the orphanage. Who can blame her?

Daniel - Daniel is doing as well as can be expected. I am able to get letters to him, and know he is 'okay' for now. He was at the orphanage summer camp until August 28th, but is now back in the orphanage for his last year. FYI - the new director there is now refusing any and all packages and letters sent to the children. Please do not send anything there anymore. I'm ever hopeful things will change at some point, but for now, there is nothing we can do but pray.

Nastia - Nastia starts her senior year of high school today! I hope and pray its a good year for her! We start looking at colleges in the next few weeks. Her plan is to study art. We are looking locally and in Boston.

I'll try to post regularly again. its hard when so much of what I WANT to post is not allowed at present! Anya also requested I not post any photos here of Sasha, so  you'll just have to trust me - she is really beautiful! She looks JUST like Anya does in her baby photo. And she has Nastia's cute little button nose!

I'm Really Missing My Anya Today....

...so here are a few photos of her from our recent visit:

Nastia feeling the baby kick!

They love each other so much.

My ancient hand, blessing baby Sasha.

Anya cooking shashliki for their cousin's birthday.

Anya in her 'new' maternity dress from my friend Kim.

Anya with Oksana ( their Dad's cousin) and Nastia, on the front steps of Oksana's house.

The most beautiful mother-to-be I think I've ever seen...

I love you, my beautiful Anoushka. I wish you were here...

Sneak Peak

Exhausted and soooo ready for bed after a very eventful ten hours getting D home. I'll post more this weekend, but here is a photo of her, fresh off the plane from Latvia. So happy she's here, even if I did just have to read her 5 bedtime stories and scratch her back for 40 minutes while wanting to hit the pillow myself the whole time!

And here is her arrival home, about 6:40pm tonight:

  :)

Life is Beautiful

Ksusha and Nastya K on their visit to Kemerovo City

It's 3:30am right now.  My brain still can't seem to sync with US time yet, so I'm ever-so-slowly working my way back to it. This is the first day I've managed to sleep past midnight!

In just a few hours I'll be heading to Logan Airport. I'm headed to JFK for all of two hours on the ground. Why? To pick up Daniela, of course:) I know I haven't posted much about her arrival, but I'm still feeling scared on jinxing anything. Knowing how quickly roads can be blocked in Russia, I fear the same thing in Latvia, but I am doing my best to have faith.

I'm cautiously excited about her visit. This time it will be 5 weeks instead of 3, so that's a blessing! My best guess is that my court dates in Latvia will be in September. Still have a few small hurdles to jump. Daniela tells me it will be on her birthday :)

Although I'm back in the States 5 days now, my heart is honestly still in Kemerovo. I've dreamt of Anya and/or Daniel every night since I've been home. I miss them. Now when I feel that ache I don't allow myself to be sad, but I channel that love into prayer for them. Last night I managed to pray the rosary over and over for Daniel and then the entire orphanage for over an hour. We haven't been able to reach Anya since we've been home and that is always scary for me. More so now, with baby Sasha on her way soon. Nastia plans to empty her savings account and fly back over by herself on August 16th. She has managed to save about $2,000 over the past 6 years. She's very proud of that. And this week she is going out to apply for her first 'real world' job. She wants to be able to send Anya money every month like I do. I"m so proud of her.

In other news --I've received no less than three 'thank you's from Nastya K and Ksusha this week. They are still revelling in the two days they got to spend in the big city. It was such an amazing day! As you know I had planned to take a larger group of the girls shopping in Prokopyevsk, but that didn't work out, so instead I gave money to my intermediary  to give to the other girls, and then I paid for Nastya and Ksusha to take the bus up to Kemerovo. They stayed with us overnight, which was so much fun. I listened to all three girls (my Nastia included) giggle for hours. When we woke up, we hit the ground running : first a big breakfast, then shopping for clothes and shoes, a well-earned lunch, then shopping for books.

Ksusha had a hard time spending money. She had never been shopping before, according to Nastya. It took half the day to convince her to spend some of the money. It finally took my Nastia strong-arming her to do it..lol! She actually yelled at Ksusha ( I know that sounds harsh, but it worked) and finally Ksusha could see that we weren't going to let up. She bought two adorable shirts, and I bought her some socks and undergarments since she was too embarrassed to. Her favorite part of the whole day was the book store. We spent well over an hour in it. Ksusha found one book she wanted and clutched it to her chest the entire time. I told her after 20 minutes that we would not leave the bookstore till she chose at least FOUR more books. I told her she needed enough to keep her busy till my next visit!

Nastya K had an easier time and bought a dress, shoes, socks and little hair clips. She thanked me very sincerely every time. They were so proud to carry those bags! After shopping, we stopped for milkshakes at my favorite cafe, Chokoladnitsa. I ordered them a chocolate fondue with lots of fruit. It felt so wonderful to treat them!

Just replaying those two days in my head is a gift. I keep thanking God, and YOU generous peeps who donated, for the chance to treat them. I can't get over the fact that it happened. I was sure, with my luck there, they'd be prevented from coming. So glad I was wrong! They had the most memorable day. And my intermediary will be treating 5 others girls to a similar experience in Prokopyevsk in August:) I didn't get to take as many photos of K & N as I'd hoped, but here are some!

Weary Travellers just arrived after a four hour bus ride, eating mushroom soup!

First order of business - they wanted a photo by the 'famous' fountain. This was at 11:45 at night!
Notice its still twilight?

Anya talks to the girls about how awful it is to be pregnant..lol.

Nastya enjoying a strawberry shake

Ksusha enjoying the same!