Nastia in High School: So Far So....GREAT!

I don't often write about Nastia anymore. Once she got to be 16 I felt it was an invasion of her privacy to be discussing RAD, PTSD and other issues that she deals with, without asking her permission first. It doesn't mean we don't deal with those issues anymore, it just means that we keep it between us and her therapist.

But praiseworthy behavior and growth seem to be something I should be sharing. It's important to me that other parents of children with severe behaviors get to witness that these issues can often be healed, even when it seems next to impossible at the outset.

Nastia has home schooled for three years. She left school after 2 years of tremendous struggle and anxiety. She wasn't learning - there was far too much trauma for any true learning to go on. For those who doubt that - think of the most stressful, traumatic situation you have ever endured. In that mindset, would you be able to study? To read or write? To truly take anything else in but the moment at hand? Doubtful.

And so, I withdrew her from school, and we spent three years doing intensive bonding, attachment practices, therapy, and learning how to breathe, relax and be present. We took trips, we went camping, we walked beaches, we watched inspiring movies, we learned coping skills, we braved new experiences slowly and deliberately. In short, I gave my daughter time to heal. My intuition told me that she would know when she was ready to go back, if ever. In June of this year, after three intensive years of self-focused healing and learning to feel safe, she announced she wanted to go back to school. Her therapist and I agreed she was ready. And so, a few weeks ago Nastia started high school for the first time. We decided to put her in 9th grade, and though she hated the idea at first (she was afraid of being ridiculed for her age) she finally settled in. Biologically, she is 18, after all, but as any of you parents of older adopted children know, those years in the orphanage wreak havoc on our children's development - emotionally, socially, behaviorally and even physically. They are years and years behind their peers. So why do so many parents force them to try and fit in with their actual age group? I have no idea.

I went into the school IEP meeting with my defenses up. I was ready to fight for what she needed, but I didn't have to. The new head of the Special Ed Dept truly listened to everything I and her therapist had to say, and implemented it immediately into her schedule. He respected me as a parent in a way I rarely see with teachers and school staff. I was impressed. Nastia came in for the 2nd meeting and she too, felt very supported and well-treated very quickly. She is thriving in school! She gets up at 6am with no complaint (what??), she gets ready without help or coaxing (is this MY daughter??) she WALKS to school (umm, are you SURE this isn't a figment of my imagination??) and she does her homework willingly and with great gusto. I have to tell you, I am floored. I did not expect this.

This is the girl that used to throw chairs at her teacher. This is the girl who ran away from school so many times that they stopped calling the police and just called me instead, because I'd know where to find her. This is the girl who fought me so hard on school mornings that I would sit in my car and cry for an hour after I dropped her off each day. Yes, this girl.

And so I'm sharing this because it's important to share with others who are on the same path as we are, but not as far along the road. Have patience. Trust. Listen and really hear what your child is saying and what they are truly asking for, and offer it. I had every single person in my life dumping on me because I took her out of school. But I finally listened to myself and my daughter and did it, and it has rewarded me a million-fold. I fell to pressure when she first came home and enrolled her in school and it was pretty much a disaster from day one. I so wanted others to respect me as a parent, that I let their ideals and beliefs about what was 'right' come before my own. Bad idea.

And so now, when the time is finally right, my daughter is embracing school with her whole being. And I see how hard it is for her, yet she still perseveres, because she is ready now. Fear and Terror no longer block the way to learning. She walks with confidence. She even brought a new friend home the other day after school. Amazing.

Nastia, you are STILL my hero. You never cease to amaze me, and delight me. You teach me every day that the impossible is possible. I want to be like you - braver than brave and always looking the world straight in the eye. I love you, my sweet girl!

When It Rains, It Pours

Literally!

I woke at 5:45am to the sound of our flood alarm going off in the basement. The water was already up to my knees. I went to the side door of my basement that faces the driveway, and the water was pouring in the cracks of the door like a waterfall. I sloshed over and looked out the window...it was up to my chest outside the door. Nothing I could do. The water was getting so high inside that even all my pallets holding bins of stored items started to float up and away. My furnace flooded, my washer and driver tipped sideways, my beautiful collection of antique children's books was under water. (Nastia had moved the basket downstairs when Natasha moved in for awhile. She never told me.) I waded around looking at all my boxes and bins either submerged under water or floating by me, and I just said over and over again to myself ' It's just stuff, it's just stuff. Let it go. Don't cry. It's just stuff.'

So far so good - no tears. Not much I can do until the water drains out. All the major storm drains were clogged with leaves, so Nastia, my neighbors and I were out at 6am with brooms and sticks and anything else we could find to moves the leaves. My arms were too short..the water was that deep!

Anyway, I'm always trying my best to look at the bright side of things, because there always is a bright side. I've come to the conclusion that this is the motivation I needed to do even deeper purging of material things. Why do I have a basement full of things? It's too much. So, once I get everything dried off and washed (if its not ruined!) I'm going to start getting that stuff on craiglist and ebay. Gorgeous costumes, bikes, a brand new stroller, bins and bins of yardsale items. I'm just going to look at this as a strong reminder of my commitment to purge. If you can think of other positives to a flooded basement, please pass them on in the comment section!

PS: I filmed my basement, but it was too dark, so all you see on the video is a black square and hear me sloshing and mumbling 'It's just stuff, it's just stuff...'

And So It Begins Again (But This Time I Have Company!)

The international adoption process is overwhelming at best - complicated, confusing, frustrating, repetitive, daunting, time-consuming, stress-provoking. It is often full of road blocks and stop signs and inordinate levels of bureaucracy. It is not for the fainted-hearted. Getting through Nastia's adoption felt like competing in the Paper Olympics -- and barely placing! Couple that with Anya's failed adoption and you could see why I might have been hesitant to try again. Then, add to that the months and months of preparing paperwork for D and having that fail. I'm telling you, I am learning patience deeper than I ever though possible!

So, fast forward to today. I'm back in the saddle: I have signed with a new home study agency and had my first home meeting today. I like the new social worker a lot. She might have scared me if I had her for my first HS experience, because she really tells it like it is! She was not afraid to tell me exactly what she thought, and I was impressed with her level of knowledge about RAD, attachment issues, and the like.

Anyway -- I'm excited to finally be seeing progress with D's adoption. Sadly, I have to do the entire HS and all the required paperwork all over again. Just sent in my new CORIs and SORIs, and am preparing to file yet another 1600A with a brand new HS. Some of my dossier paperwork has expired and some of it must be redone since I have a new HS agency. It's really like starting from square one. The only thing I really don't have to re-do is my biography - the easiest part to redo!

But here's the exciting news:

I won't be taking this journey alone.

Do you remember my friend Kim and her daughter Bridget who accompanied me to the orphanage in June? Do you remember my writing about Bridget's absolute love obsession with one particular 7 year old girl? Well, she wore down her mom, and finally, after four months, her Dad, too. The Ayers family is officially starting the adoption process too! Little G will, God-willing, be coming home to her forever family sometime in 2012!

I said in an earlier post about Bridget 'Never underestimate the power of a little girl to change the world' or something like that. Well, Miss Bridget did it! She never gave up. She didn't hound, she didn't harass....she just patiently and gently kept G in everyone's thoughts, and eventually her persistence made a difference!

Kim and her husband are using the same attorney and HS agency that I am. If they are able to move quickly, it's my hope that we might be able to travel to bring our kids home on the same trip. Keep praying!

I will try to keep you posted on my progress on the homestudy. Right now I am working on getting three new reference letters this week, and finding funds to prepay for my 4 post placement reports (a new requirement, since I last adopted.)

Please keep both our families in your prayers. If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know what challenges and obstacles likely await us over the next 6-12 months. We need all the prayers we can get. Both of us will be doing insane amounts of fundraising over the next several months - ebay, craigslist, yard sales, bake sales. and anything else we can think of. If you have ideas that have worked for you, let us know!

Also, as I'm VERY interested in promoting older child adoption in general, please don't hesitate to leave a comment asking any questions you might have. I'm ready to answer! I'll leave you with some of the quotes that are getting me through this process:

'You can ask for anything in my name and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the father.' ~John 14:13

'This is the confidence we have in approaching God; that if we ask anything

according to His will, He hears us.' ~ 1 John 5:14

'I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.' ~Psalm 32:8

Spending Time With Anya...Thanks Skype!

I just got off an hour-long video chat with Anya. To say I'm joyful and grateful is a huge understatement. We have had great difficulty with Skype the past few weeks, so we haven't been able to be in touch with her. But this morning we reached her and talked until Anya was nodding off...lol.

Nastia has a very bad cold, so she lasted all of ten minutes, but after she went to bed, Anya and I talked for over an hour. she finally opened up a bit more about the day she was shot, and what she has learned about the shooter. His name is Ilya. He's 28 years old and was on drugs at the time. Anya will have to attend the court hearing, and so they are waiting for her to be well enough to attend. She told me she was sooo grateful that he shot her leg instead of her head. 'Mama, if he aimed up, I would not be here. I am so lucky he aimed down.' She talked about how she keeps replaying the day over and over in her head and how she cannot believe how close she was to losing her life. 'I am very lucky,' she kept saying.

I told her I felt it was not luck, but that she was being watched over that day, because our six years of praying for her daily, along with the countless prayers of others, acted like a protective shield that day. I truly believe that. She smiled hugely and told me she loved me:)

so, the doctors are not telling her much. They say she will be there for 'many more months' but will not give her a date of any kind. She has been in that bed for two months already. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for her. She says she is still in pain, but that they give her injections in her stomach when it gets unbearable. She moved the camera to show me the injection site - yuck! Just a big black and green bruise on her lower abdomen. Here is what her leg is looking like lately. She took the photo herself:

I know it looks awful, but I am just so happy every time I see her foot at the end of her leg, that I don't mind seeing that horrible brace.

So, I still await the doctor's letter so I can submit the Humanitarian Parole docs for a medical visa. I'll be skyping with Anya again tonight at 10pm my time. Can't wait:)

Get Your Perspective Right

It's so easy to focus on the negative. It takes no effort. It's like rolling down a hill; gravity helps you. But remaining in that place that sees the light and the good in even the darkest corners? That takes effort.

I've been praying a lot today, and listening for what God might have to say. He didn't send me any epiphany of Anya's imminent arrival, no confirmation that Daniel will be home soon, or that Anya will walk again, or that my business will survive, or that my health will strengthen - nothing of that sort. But what He did offer me was the nudge to write on my blog again, and to write about trusting Him even when you can't see Him or feel Him. Probably because I'm becoming an expert on that.

This week alone, I had three different people offer their sympathy for what I'm going through. 'I don't know how you do it.' one said. ' I'd have lost my faith by now!' one laughed. 'Don't you feel like you never catch a break?' queried another. Well, yes, sometimes I do feel that way, but then I turn to God in my despair (and obviously limited perspective) and ask Him to show me the truth of the matter. And He does.

True Faith, for some of us, must be hard-won, I think. I have friends who seem to come by it easily, but I never did. I always doubted and worried and bit my nails and second-guessed. I never really had true faith until I experienced times of total despair. In those times I had no choice but to hold on to what God promises. And you know what? He really, truly reaches out to us in those moments, if we reach towards Him. If we just say 'I give up, I can't do this alone', He hears that.

I'm truly at peace lately. I know something that I didn't know before. We don't have to sense God to know He's with us. We don't have to 'feel' supported or taken care of. We can just trust His word. I used to think that if I didn't sense God in my life, then He obviously wasn't there or had turned his back on me. Not true. Not true at all. Love is with us ALL. THE. TIME. He created us, He knows us, and, most importantly, He loves us beyond our wildest imaginings.

This is how I don't fall apart when I hit yet one more ridiculous obstacle in getting Anya here for treatment. This is how I don't lose my mind when Anya is skyping me, begging me to come be with her when I know I can't possibly get there. This is how I keep my sanity when Daniel is in tears on the phone, asking when he will see me again. I know that in the very roots of my pain and despair, is the One who loves me most. God is there, right there, in the midst of the despair, holding me together and ministering to the hearts of my children.

Do I wish God would just come out and tell me what to expect? Do I wish He would share the secret with me on when - or if - my children will ever be home? Yes. But I trust Him. There must be something He knows that I perhaps couldn't not comprehend or understand.

Back in the spring when Greg & Tesney Pearce Davis were fighting the Russian Supreme court to get their son here, I immediately felt called to pray for Kyrill. My heart felt burdened, knowing here was yet another child being kept from his family. I was devastated. I laid on my bed and cried and cried to God to allow a miracle to happen. Within no more than 5 minutes after I started praying for Kyrill, an internal voice, not my own, said 'Do not worry. He is coming home very soon.' It was so strong and so powerful that I immediately stopped crying and felt completely assured that the prayer was already answered. I knew in that moment that God had already heard the prayers of Kyrill's parents and others, and there was no doubt in my mind that the judge would rule in their favor. Kyrill is home right now as I write this...flourishing in every way.

I'm not sure why I share this little story with you, except to show that sometimes it seems that God communicates with others about our situations. Our faith may be buoyed up by others sharing the weight of our pain. God loves community. God loves to see a shared burden. God encourages us to reach out and hold hands in our pain, not lock ourselves away.

So, I'm continuing to hope that Anya will be here under our roof sooner rather than later, despite over six years of 'No.' I'm continuing to believe that Daniel will be cuddled upstairs in his waiting bed before too long, even though the current climate in Kemerovo adoptions says otherwise. And every day I'm trusting the One Who created Me, to meet all my needs, even as I see my business floundering more every day. It's not my job to worry, it's my job to keep offering myself up to be His hands and feet in others' lives, while I trust Him with mine.

A Very Detailed Update on Everything

A very tired Anya on Skype.

We have been speaking to Anya as often as possible via Skype. Sadly, it has not been working again for the past 10 days. We can hear her, but she can't hear us. We keep trying, though. Unfortunately, the hospital still refuses to release any paperwork about Anya, and so this has stalled our Humanitarian Parole attempts. Don't worry, I'm not letting it get to me. We've had so many obstacles like this over the past 6 years, that now they just don't scare me anymore. We just keep plodding forward. It's funny how you can make it through things that once seemed impossible to bear. Suffering brings the gift of tremendous resolve and strength if we align ourselves with Love (God). I just keep choosing Love and Hope every day. I fail often, but then I dust myself off and make the choice again.

As for Daniel, I'm in a holding pattern. As most of you know, I had to start all my paperwork over again. My attorney has been so patient and so understanding. The Kemerovo region is currently not issuing any referrals anyway, so even if my paperwork were completed, we'd have to wait. It may be months, there is no way of knowing. But the good news is, I'm not letting this deter me either. I've seen Kemerovo close down numerous times over the past 6 years, so this is just a bump in the road. I choose to keep looking forward.

The hardest part has been speaking to Daniel and the other kids at the orphanage and hearing their pleas for a visit. 'Kitty, we miss you!' and 'Kitty, how many days till you come back to us?' And 'Kitty, Daniel cries after you call him.' Yes, Daniel cried when I called him for his birthday. He doesn't believe he'll ever be home. I try to comfort him, but it is difficult to do over the phone. Just wish I could fly over even for a day and hold him.

My friend Kim (the one who travelled with me in June) says she tries to do one thing every day that brings her closer to getting back there. I decided that would be a great form of therapy for me, so I am starting to collect again..lol. Dolls, matchbox cars, toothbrushes, socks and mittens...you name it. I'm starting to gather things I can bring over when I head over with Daniel's paperwork. I have NO IDEA when that will be, but I'm giving myself a tentative date of January, so I have something to hope for and look forward to.

I'm also packing up a few care packages to get in the mail soon, so they arrive before it's too cold. I remember arriving there last September and stepping off the plane into 32 degrees. I want to make sure they all have winter clothes to keep them warm!

On a VERY positive note, my other friend Kim D noticed this week that a few of the children were suddenly on the National Database (www.usynovite.ru) of orphans. This is unprecedented, I have hoped and prayed for their updated info to appear on this registry for SIX YEARS! So, I did some searching myself yesterday and found over forty of the children from DD #5 listed suddenly! And the photos were almost all BRAND NEW some of them were even wearing things we brought them in June. It may be wishful thinking, but I'm hoping something I said helped this to happen: when we were "monitored" by the Regional SW on our orphanage visit in June, I made a point to talk to her about the outdated info on the database and how I longed to see the children of #5 listed there, so they had a better chance of being adopted. I told her I had bought a new digital camera for the orphanage so new photos would not be a problem. She agreed that updated needed to happen, " But, Keri, we are so overworked, you have no idea. We really do try, but there are often no people available to do this work. We will try.' I understood the difficulty, but hoped!

So the photos look to be taken at the summer camp. The children are more tan than when I saw them in June, and some look older already! Here is one:

Екатерина Ц.

№ 2bt6y

Кемеровская область
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усыновление, опека, приемная семья

Девочка родилась в январе 1999

Глаза голубой

Волосы русые

Характер целеустремленная, жизнерадостная, требовательная

This is Katya, and she is wearing the headband I gave her in June, so I know the photo is new!

Let's hope that these updated postings will help these children get adopted before it's too late! We are still hoping for a hosting program to be approved. It is looking better for summer 2012. Your prayers are always appreciated.

Update on Anya's Situation

Anya sleeping (Christmas 2009) So sweet.

Lots to share but not much time to share it. But you, my blog friends, have been so supportive these past few years, and I want to keep you updated.

What I Am Doing to Get Her Here ASAP - Angels are starting to appear:) Tomorrow morning I meet with one of them - an immigration attorney who is going to walk me through all the humanitarian parole paperwork. I need to get it in as soon as possible. I also have contacted every hospital and medical person I can think of. ( and so have a few of my friends) I need to have an orthopedic surgeon who is willing to treat Anya for free once she is here. I need him/her to put that in writing for the HP form supporting documents. We are trying to get that by tomorrow evening.

I also need proof all her medical costs will be covered by someone or some organization. Any ideas? They will not approve her visa if I cannot prove it will all be paid for. any advice from those in the know is appreciated.

Much more going on, but these are the major steps I am taking in the next 24 hours.
How Anya is Doing Physically - Not very well. And I know prayer works, so please, please offer up prayers for her stability and healing. She had another surgery and is getting another blood transfusion. She is now on oxygen and was moved to the Russian equivalent of ICU. She still has a fever, and she is unable to have visitors or calls or even use her computer for now. I have the doctor's email and he will update me if anything major changes. I am hoping to talk to an orthopedic surgeon here who can tell me if her ankle can be fixed in any way. The Russian Doctor says no, but I want 2nd , 3rd and 4th opinions.

How Anya is Doing Mentally/Emotionally - Anya is a very resilient girl. She seemed restless and frustrated when we video-chatted with her, but she was also heavily medicated so it was hard to tell. What I do know is that once she is not so medicated is when things get difficult. Anya is the most stubborn person I have ever met. If she does not want to do something, there is no one and no thing that can make her do it. Believe me, I've tried, and I am VERY persuasive. Anya hates being idle and 'bored'. She is always trying to get away from herself. Having to spend months in a hospital bed will not appeal to her. I know she will try to leave the hospital when she thinks she is well enough. She is street smart, but VERY naive. It is not a good combination. She will think she knows better than the doctor when she is well. This concerns me. I want to find ways to keep her mind occupied, so she will stay put. She loves to draw and listen to music, so that may help, but she doesn't like to read, and there is no tv there. I'm wracking my brain for simple things she can do to keep her motivated and occupied once she is out of ICU and in a normal hospital room.

I'll keep you all posted as I learn more. In the meantime, please send a card if you can (address in my last post.) I want to tell her when I next skype with her that countless cards are on their way. It will give her something to look forward to.

As always, please pray that she is brought home swiftly and surely. It is my deepest and most hoped for desire. May it be so.