Times are Tough

I'm sorry I'm not posting much these days. Life has thrown us more than our share of curve balls and I'm too busy batting at them to blog much. I wish I knew why some of us seem to get the lion's share of challenges. I wish I could better face them with grace and courage. I'm hanging in there, but I really feel ill-equipped.

My daughter had a migraine-induced stroke about 6 weeks ago. That alone would send any parent into a tail-spin. We have a great neurologist so I feel "taken care of" in that respect, but dealing with the side effects of her meds is tough. She has been diagnosed with something called Familial Hemiplegic Migraine disease. I'm still in the learning phase so there's not much I can tell you about it that you can't just find yourself via google.

I'm in the process of seeing too many doctors to mention as they try to figure out what is causing all my troublesome health issues. I know what it is, but you know it sometimes takes lots of testing for the doctors themselves to believe you. My primary care doctor thinks they are all separate health issues caused by everything from sleep apnea to peri-menopause, but I know in my heart they are all simply symptoms of my worsening auto immune disease. What else accounts for it? If you are a "medical detective" and want to weigh in on what you think, feel free. I'll take all the input I can get as I try to figure this all out. I know this list may sound incredible, but I promise you this is exactly what I am experiencing day to day, and trying, trying so hard to live with:

Symptoms
1. Chronic and extreme exhaustion (daily)
2. reactive arthritis ( daily with varying degrees of pain.) It tends to be in my lower spine and right hip mostly, but can flare up in my neck and legs from time to time.
3. low-grade fever ( my pc tells me this is normal..huh?? Is it normal to have your temp 99.9 for weeks at a time, and then drop to 97.2 for a day and then up again?)
4. Worsening food allergies. ( Now life threatening allergy to all soy, and new allergy to wheat, rye, barley and oats)
5. mouth sores and swollen gums every few days. ( makes it impossible to eat.)
6. chronic joint pain and swelling.
7. chronic diarrhea ( EVERY day. not kidding.)
8. Strange rashes that come and go. ( ended up in the ER with shingles 2 weeks ago, too)
9. tops of fingers turning blue even when not cold (daily)
10. Nightly leg cramps/ charlie horses that wake me up.
11. trouble swallowing. ( Sometimes I cannot make myself swallow...very weird sensation.)
12. Hives on and off.
13. break-thru menstrual bleeding...but heavy, heavy blood loss. And I've been on trynoranil for years for PCOS. NEVER had this bleeding.)
14. daily nosebleeds that come out of nowhere.
15. shortness of breath with little exertion.

The worst is the fatigue. I have never experienced anything like it. Ever. It reminds me of when I had mono in high school. you know that level of exhaustion? Where you can manage an hour or two of being up, and then you have to sleep? That's what it's like. My PC would tell you it's sleep apnea or depression, but I know my own body. I am not depressed, in fact I am the opposite. I'm rageful over all of this. I want to be working more and doing more, and mu body won't let me! And I'm sorry, but sleep apnea could never cause this level of exhaustion. It is completely debilitating.

So, over the next few weeks I will endure a sleep study, a colonoscopy, and more bloodwork as my PC tries to prove her point. I finally called an immunologist myself and made an appointment for later this month. What else would account for all these symptoms and their sudden onset?

Well, I have to head back to work now. ( I'm on break.) Please let me know what you think, and if you are the praying kind, I'd be so grateful for your prayers. I hate to say it, but I'm losing faith in prayer after months and months of praying with no relief. I feel like I am in over my head. Where is God in all of this? He is silent, and I am scared.

Returning, I think?

Don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but...

I'm back after a four month hiatus. The four months included a trip to Siberia to visit daughter #2 (Anya) as well as a side trip to Germany to visit my brother Jim and his family; then 3 months of my busy work season, teaching Shakespeare and running a Shakespeare summer camp for 135 kids and teens. The last show of the season was Saturday, and now I'm floating free for a month! The plan: get house in order and spend inordinate amounts of time with my semi-neglected teenage daughter. We started yesterday and did a round of shopping for the house, hiking the woods, making dinner for her grandmother ( my mom) and generally just enjoying each other's company.

Oh, and did I fail to mention her sister Anya (my other daughter, by all accounts) is scheduled to move here in late fall? Yes. Really. She even has her passport finally!

I'm Experiencing A Miracle

Truly. The change I am experiencing from this diet/lifestyle change is nothing short of miraculous. I don't like calling it a diet. It's more like a feast of good things! I have completed 5 full days of 100% raw and living foods. For the skeptical, here is what has happened thus far:

Lost almost nine pounds.
Went from a 44 E to a 40D bra.
Lost 4 inches in my waist.
Lost 4 inches in my chest.
I have no double chin or excess weight on my neck.
My eyes are whiter ( don't know why!)
I am wide awake after 6 hours of sleep versus 11-12 of before
I wake up w/out an alarm at 6am, reading to run!
My body wants to be moving all the time ( be4fore it wanted to SLEEP all the time.)
My auto immune pain is decreased so much it is almost imperceptible.
I no longer take naps. ( whereas before I HAD to...EVERY day)
I am thinking more clearly
colors have changed..I can see better
My vision has gotten better...don't need glasses for the computer starting today!
My skin looks AMAZING. I stopped wearing make-up.
I am beginning to crave the good foods!
I am not experiencing ANY low-blood sugar moments!
I am fitting into clothes I haven't worn in years..in FIVE DAYS!

To be clear, this is not simply a raw food diet. I think the benefits are because I'm eating/drinking SO many greens. Only live, fresh greens, veggies and fruit, and a handful of dried banana chips the past few days.

I have not felt this alive, happy, motivated, clear, and peaceful since I was about 5 years old.

God bless green food. I can't believe it has taken me 44 years to discover this secret. I can't believe health and wellness is this easy.

Ran this morning again, and just got back an hour ago from a long hike in the woods with Anastasia and the dogs. Anastasia put it perfectly, as we made our way through the trees and green.." Mom, life doesn't get much better than this moment.."

Today was better :)

Up at 6:30 for a run. Apple for breakfast. Then green juice. Anastasia and I went to the Appleton Farm Sanctuary in Ipswich ( pictured above) for a long hike in the woods and fields. Met up with a big herd of cows. Stopped at Tendercrop Farm for fresh organic veggies on the way home. Visited a friend by the ocean. Ate another apple and a handful of banana chips on the ride home. Ate a big green salad at home. Then took a long nap together. After-nap snack: fresh snap peas! Some avocado. This moment: A few more banana chips ( for my mad sugar cravings today.) Now I'm getting work done on the computer while Anastasia primps herself for a night out at the local roller rink. Still feeling immeasurably better in so many ways...it is almost indescribable. Cravings still around, but more manageable today. I loved being with my daughter all day! A great, peaceful day all around.

A Glorious New Day!

I'm in shock. I've shocked myself! I woke up at 6am wide awake, with a desire to....RUN! I have not run in over 16 years. I have definitely not had a desire to run in 16 years either! But today I woke up, wide awake and happy in my bed , and all I wanted to do was run. So, I found something athletic to wear ( that was a feat) and I put on sneakers...and I ran. I ended up running a mile! Of course, I stopped now and then and did either a brisk walk or very slow jog, but the point is..I did it!

I am amazing myself. I didn't think I would get through yesterday, the cravings and rage were so strong. but today is a new day and I feel even more alive than the day before!

I guess I'm writing this to say to ANYONE reading this who struggles with either disease or obesity...YOU CAN DO IT! I swear, If I can do this, there is no one in the world who can't. This diet has me feeling soooo incredibly alive and happy that it makes me not WANT to cheat..even when the cravings feel like they are going to kill me.

I'll report later on my intake of today. Thus far its just an apple and lots of water, but I need to get some greens in soon. I'll keep you posted.

Bye!!

Today was the hardest thus far.

Sorry to be boring. I'm just recording today's intake so I can keep track.

7am: half cup celery/spinach drink
9am 3 dates with raw coconut, a pear
11am small green salad with 1/2 avocado, red peppers, spinach, sunflower sprouts
1pm 1/2 cup organic fruit blended into smoothie: rasberries, strawberries, blueberries
3pm 2nd small green salad as above with half an avocado, 2 pieces dehydrated apple
5pm handful raw organic baby carrots
7pm whole cup of blended fruit smoothie: as above, one tsp honey
lots and lots of water throughout the day

Still not hungry in the least, but man the cravings are killing me. Today I was so angry I actually threw my phone and broke it. (I was alone - no worries.) Lots of anger surfacing. Feel like I'm sitting on a ball of rage the size of the sun. What could it be from? No idea. I'm going to try journaling now before bed.

For those interested, here is how I dealt with the extreme cravings:

~took a long walk with the dogs - didn't help, but at least I was moving.
~ cleaned the entire kitchen and livingroom- helped a tiny bit.
~ called a friend who's 'been there' - helped for an hour or so.
~ Did tapping (EFT) for 4 cycles, three times today. Helped ALOT.
I still don't get how EFT works, but it does.

I really hope tomorrow is easier. Yesterday was amazing. I even had an experience of euphoria. I called and asked the nutritionist and she said that was normal on this diet. No euphoria today. Just mad cravings and really grumpy attitude.

But I did it. I have to keep reminding myself. I did it. I got thru another day 100 percent raw.
My body is thanking me even though my mind is pissed...lol.

Cravings!!!

Ok, cravings are trying to have their way with me. And boy, they are powerful! but I'm not letting them win. I was exhausted by 2pm so I fell asleep...for four and a half hours! Yikes. I dreamt of working in a fast food restaurant..lol. I awoke to continued cravings. Here is what my mind is begging me to eat: mint chocolate chip ice cream, coffee ice cream, chocolate ice cream, spaghetti and meatballs, a roast beef sandwich with mayo & sauce, a box of oreos, chips, french fries, a turkey dinner with all the extras, a whole coffee cake, beef stew....I could go on.

So you see, my mind is working double-time on these cravings, but actually announcing to the world that I am doing this lifestyle change is helping me to stay on task. I don't want to be a hypocrite!

I was unable to drink the entire 64 ounces of the weird green juice, but I managed half of it. I wasn't actually hungry all day. The cravings were all for comfort food, bc I'm scared. But there were no actually hunger pains of feelings of hunger.

I had moments of huge anxiety, feeling like there is no way I can do this, but I just kept talking to that part of myself and reminding her that this HAD to be done if I wanted to live a long life and be there for my daughter.

Tomorrow morning at 7:30am I head back to the nutritionist and do all kinds of extra things like an infrared sauna, ionic foot bath ( to stimulate the lymph system), a colonic and then some training in food prep. Hope I don't collapse on the ride home..lol! It's an hour away.

Nastia is having a field day trying to get me to fail. not fun. I know its because she doesnt like change of any kind, but it's hard to have her trying so hard to get me to eat junk. Hopefully this need of hers will pass. I'll keep you posted.