‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Thursday, October 23, 2014

I'm not Quitting, I'm Just Quiet

My girls, swinging.
I want to write, folks, I really do. But for the past year, really, I've felt such a draw inward, it's hard to push against that and write down what doesn't want to come out at all. Have you ever experienced seasons of life like that? Even defining it is difficult, but I guess the best way is to say I feel like I've transformed from an extrovert to an introvert. I don't find joy in the same things anymore. I don't like being out in public much and would much rather read for hours or meditate and pray or - no lie - do dishes than go be among people or be social in any way or form. And it's not that I'm depressed - I certainly know what that feels like. It's just an overwhelming desire to go inward, to be silent and listen, and to observe. I think I've visited this season before in my life, but never with this intensity.

But -I have immense guilt when I go long periods without writing here. I feel a responsibility to stay in communication with those who have read my blog, some for many years. These are the same people who supported me when we took that leap of faith in 2010 and moved to Russia for several months to care for Anya. Many of you wrote me beautiful, heartfelt and helpful letters when my adoption of Daniel failed. Others cheered me on throughout hosting Dasha, adopting Matilda, or a million other things I've tried to get through in one piece. I could never communicate the depth of my gratitude - I really don't think it's possible at all.

So I'm trying to understand my own self these days - a self that used to crave  sharing here; a self that was passionate about writing; a self that was very outwardly focused. That's not me anymore. I struggle to find words that define what I'm feeling. I used to sit at my computer and find that I couldn't type fast enough for the words that wanted to come out. Now I can't find words at all, and expressing myself here feels awkward and, even, painful.

I'm not quitting. This isn't a goodbye post. But I felt like I owed people reading here an explanation. I still do the same things: parent Nastia and Matilda, support as many of the girls in Russia as I can, teach Shakespeare, pray and talk to God incessantly, and try to be a better human being each day. But whereas before these things felt like fodder for blog posts, now they don't. Maybe it's writer's block, but I don't think so. I just think my soul has decided to close ranks and be still. My soul is having 'down-time' and wanting nothing more than stillness, simplicity - and authentic communion with God and others through that stillness. Does that make any sense?

I hope so.

I'll keep stopping in a posting little updates, because that's only fair. I know I'm fairly devastated when my favorite bloggers are silent for even a few days. I'll do my best - but it won't be half as passionate or interesting as it used to be. At least not right now.

I hope that's okay with you, reader.


  1. Of course that is OK, but thank you for the explanation! I too get sad and worried when favourite bloggers disappear. Maybe so much has happened recently in your life that you really need some down time?
    As for myself, I am pretty sure that I will find your short posts about everyday life interesting too! :-)

  2. Keri, all the things you described about yourself are TOTALLY true for me too! In fact, I had to laugh at the dishes part. Just this year, after 9 years of serving on the leadership of my church's women's ministry, I stepped down. I went from organizing and leading social events and Bible studies for so many years. . . and now I'm serving in a meals ministry where I am happiest literally just washing dishes! I have always been pretty social, even though at heart I am an introvert--but I love hanging out with women in situations where meaningful things are being said, creating opportunities for engaging with women about God. . . and now I just want to not talk to anyone and just be behind the scenes. And guess what--I'm not blogging much anymore either, and I too feel badly about that! It's a season of stillness, maybe. Or maybe I've just used up all my words. ; )

    So I will be very glad when you do blog, and hope you do every now and then. But there is no "performance pressure" here--please don't feel like you have to just for others. Do it because you have something to share, and you feel like saying hello. Those who care about you and your family will be waiting. : )

    much love to you today!

  3. Anonymous4:39 PM

    Hi Keri, Thanks for the update and we will all understand infrequent posts. Several of my favorite blogs have "closed down" in the last year and I feel like I have lost a friend every time. I still check in here every day and I smile on the days that you do write. I have been following you for years in various forms. Smile! You are a beautiful person and an inspiration to many of us. If the picture on the swings taken in Latvia? If yes, I think I was on that same beach as a little girl. Hugs and love to you! Debby in MA

  4. I've definitely been through those periods of my life. Always glad to hear from you when you feel like it. I've realized too that sometimes the things that I think aren't all that exciting are still nice for people to hear about so never feel about about things being sort of "status quo" :)

  5. Anonymous11:36 PM

    We all go through seasons like this! Please enjoy this current journey, there will only be one moment like this. Stop by when you can! Hugs!

  6. I'm glad you're quiet and not quitting. :>

  7. It hasn't destroyed your spunk. I'm sorry it happened to you.You accomplished so much, and now this. We never know what is waiting around the corner for us.


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