Utopia

It doesn't hurt to envision one. In fact, the opposite is true. The more we take the time to envision and imagine, the more swiftly the good things move in.

I was born an optimist. I can actually remember being an infant and feeling completely connected and in love with all things. Then life happens and one day you wake up a cynic. Well, I'm purposefully and intentionally and commitedly trying to find my way back to that little optimist. I can remember looking out the window next to my crib and seeing a tree that I knew was my brother-sister-mother-father-friend. I can remember this tree smiling at me and loving me through the window, through the bars of my crib, through my little baby skin. I even remember the feel of the cold crib rails between my fingers. I loved that feeling - clutching them in my hands and gazing out the window at my tree friend and hearing the wind. It was a feeling of complete knowingness and "all is well."

These days I wake, bolt upright, in my bed with abject fear and terror. I'm not sure where it comes from or why, but I know my job is to gently release it and know that I am ok, that I am still that little girl looking out at the tree all those decades ago.

Consciously, when I am awake and moving about my day-lit world, I try to whisper mantras to my soul, mantras that will get in and make a difference. Sometimes it is ' And all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well ' from St Julian. Other times it is 'you are okay.' Last night it was 'just breathe'.

It's amazing that words can bring such comfort. What are words anyway? Just breath with intention. I take in the breath the world gives me, hold it in my lungs, and then let it move back out into the world through the conscious movement of my mouth. I form the shape the breath takes with my lips, but the breath itself comes from God/Universe/Oneness. We share the words I speak, in a sense. We speak the words together.

I like thinking that. I like thinking of God sharing the experience of my existence, through my very breath.

Now it's bed-time. I'll go to sleep, free my soul , and later wake to a new day. God will be there. I'll take a breathe every few seconds, and with each in and out breath, I'll be sharing the experience of being alive again, with all that is.

Peace everyone. And especially you, Dad. Congrats on this, your second anniversary of graduating from this life. I love you.

'Everything You Can Imagine Is Real'

Pablo Picasso

That quote is a balm to me. Pablo Picasso said it. He said alot of wonderful things. Mental note to myself: read more of what Pablo Picasso said.

So, this is just a quick check-in. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm even experiencing moments of bliss, but it is certainly not because my life is drama free. I don't want to go into details, but I am watching three people die right now. It's very hard (understatement), but I am learning alot (again, understatement) -- learning about being more present in my own life, how not to let their eventual deaths tear me down, but perhaps widen my heart instead.

My daughter is a constant source of joy and amusement. And frustration. After all, she is fourteen and still unknowlingly campaigns to be the poster girl for Reactive Attachment Disorder. But lately I am loving our time together. Simply loving it. I learn so much from her, and I am rapt in awe watching her grow, her mind expand and let light the light in. What a wonderful thing to be witness to.

So, good night sweet friends. I'm off to do walk the dogs, and then dishwasher and laundry duty and then bed.

Peace.