Soooooo Busy!

I will try my very best to get a decent post up tonight, it's just hard when you have a 9-year-old glued to your side 24/7! I arrived Monday, had court Tuesday and spent the last two days exploring Riga with Matilda. It's been wonderful, frustrating, joyful, funny, sad and everything in between - as expected. Matilda is doing a great job at transitioning, though of course there were and will be tears. I miss Nastia so much it is just awful. I don't know how I will survive another 23 days.

I'll try to write all the details I can tonight when she is winding down, but for now I need to keep this little tornado of energy busy!

The Atheist and His Gift To Me

I've been conversing lately with an atheist. It's fascinating and invigorating and has given me the gift of really going inward and looking closely and honestly at my own beliefs. I'm more grateful to this person than I could possibly express, because his honest and rigorous searching for the truth for himself has given me the gift of deep self-reflection.


But this friend has been challenging me to explain my beliefs and asking lots of questions on why and how I believe such 'magical thoughts.' It doesn't bother me in the least - it does sound like magical thinking...if you don't know Him. And the funny thing is, there is nothing I can say, ever, that could convince this person that God exists. Or that Christ knows us and loves us. Nothing.

Yes, I'm what the world calls a 'Christian' , but I don't even like that word, because it has so many negative connotations these days. I prefer to say I'm following Christ. Following His example, trying my best to be like Him, love like Him, act like Him, live like Him. It's a tall order and, truth be told, I don't just fail to live up to it every day...I fail every second.

And what I hate about contemporary Christians is that far too many of them seem to get their priorities wrong: they get obsessed with the 'Gay Agenda' as they call it (and by the way, I think God sees same sex couples the same way He sees opposite sex couples...but that is another whole post of its own, and YES, I know my scripture, thank you very much), they hyper-focus on constant evangelizing and proselytizing, they judge and point fingers and make decisions from a place of fear. They do ALL these things, instead of doing the one thing Jesus asked of us while He was here - Love. 

Love one another. 

Love your neighbor as yourself. 

Love like the Samaritan did...out of your comfort zone. 

Love like Mary Magdalene did...with an overflowing, scarily generous love. 

Love like Jesus did - putting others ahead of ourselves, even unto death.

I can't talk this friend into believing there is a God. I could spew verses and texts and personal stories for a century and not move him. I can't coerce, persuade, convince in any way. But what I can do is infinitely more convincing. And relevant. And difficult.

I can love.

If we truly, truly lived by Christ's words and simply LOVED as often and as deeply and as honestly and as wholeheartedly as He did, we wouldn't need words. Our life would be the message. Our life alone could prove the existence of a loving God.


I'm so very sad these days, seeing - every. single. day. - examples of how terribly people treat each other. I don't even have to watch the news for an example...I can see it in the actions of people around me, and in myself, every day. Yes, sometimes it is blatant, but more often than not it is a subtle, hidden kind of selfishness and self-absorption that plays out -- we rush to cut into traffic ahead of that other car, we talk incessantly about our own problems, we gossip, we silently judging someone for how they act....we choose the opposite of Love.

I don't want to be cut off from Love like that. Every selfish action, no matter how small, cuts us off from Love. And Love isn't an idea. Love is alive:)

So, I've been on a personal quest for some time to become as loving and compassionate as I can. It's a hard road. I'm making tough choices...doing things that other, wiser souls have done before me and say have worked:

• I'm trying to detach from material things...giving away all I can and focusing my intention on people instead of things. I'm praying and meditating all I can....generations of wise souls have found great soul growth in these acts, and have grown closer to Love.
• I'm sacrificing in ways that are uncomfortable. I don't want to share all the ways with you, because part of the sacrifice is bearing it joyfully, but I'll share one small way -- I am denying myself food I love for one meal a day. A kind of fast. I eat one meal a day as either just a piece of bread or a bowl of plain cereal. I don't enjoy this, but I know from researching spiritual fasting that even small sacrifices like this bear huge spiritual fruit..
• I'm trying also to love others even when its painful or uncomfortable to do so. This has been the hardest of all. There are people who have really hurt me or angered me and I'm trying to see them through God's eyes instead of turning away from them, or judging them harshly.

And in all these things, I ask love for constant support and guidance. He knows the way. He created the Way.

Sometimes the loving choice is antithetical to our human thinking. I often have to ask God a dozen or more times to help me make the more loving choice, but He always answers, even if the voice I hear is like a whisper. He said to 'ask and it shall be given', and He holds to His word...test it out yourself.

I'm not out to convert anyone. Nope. And many of my Christian friends might be bothered by that. But, you see, I have infinite trust in Him. He told me that the greatest commandment is to love God and love my neighbor as myself. And so, I think it's pretty important that I focus on that.

God's love in infinite....so when my very human heart starts grieving, say, that I'm still separated from Anya and Daniel, and when I cry myself to sleep, when I have days of deep sorrow over my inability to bring Anya home after all these years, I remind myself of his Infinite Love. From my perspective it may seem that He is not answering my prayers, but I know from my experience as a parent, that children do NOT see the whole picture. I need to trust my Father. He has my back. I just know it.

And so, this friend of mine has forced some really hard questions, and I've found that I am perfectly content with some questions remaining unanswered. Why? Because in my lifetime, Love has proven Himself over and over as a faithful parent. I need only trust.

This friend asked the other night 'What if you find out it's all a myth?'
I thought about his question and realized it wouldn't really change much for me. It is my Truth, and even if there were a way to prove to me it's 'magical thinking' as he calls it, I wouldn't change a thing. Love is the greatest teacher, and I'm His student. May my gravestone be my diploma:)

Here We Go!

Life sure takes some unexpected turns!

In 48 hours, I am headed across the ocean to court! I know court usually breeds fear in most minds, but this is adoption court! I'm going to bring my newest little sweetheart home!

I will try my best to post about the experience while I'm there, though the posts will be fairly censored since I can't post anything specific about my girl. But I"ll try to at least include details about my personal journey, and about the beautiful country I'll be living in for a month!

I had all but given up hope of getting my court dates in 2013, when my agency contacted me yesterday. I was asked if I could get to Latvia by Monday.

Monday?????

I took a census of people I trusted and the resounding answer was...find a way to make it happen! So, with a million prayers packed under my heart, I started looking for last minute tickets and hotels.

I enlisted the help of an army of adoption friends online, and by 10am this morning, I had tickets, hotel, and a half-packed suitcase.

I probably won't get to write again until Monday, so see you then! I'll leave you with a photo of the square near the apartment I'll be staying in. So excited!

Thank you, God, for bringing M and me together as mother and daughter. I am grateful beyond your wildest imaginings!!!!

Counting Our Blessings in All Circumstances

I feel grateful every day I'm alive, but sometimes the gratitude I feel is so effusive, it is like a tidal wave of grace that pours over me and knocks off my feet. This week has felt like that. 

And I've been meditating and thinking alot about a person whose short life was marked by kindness, joy and gratitude - Collen Ritzer.

Colleen

A blessing: Colleen Ritzer was my godson's teacher and I had the luck of communicating with her a few times when I was tutoring them last year, and her loss hit the entire community very hard. Watching her students, including my godsons, deal with loss has been hard. But Colleen's own words have been a comfort to everyone. Even after her death, her firm focus on goodness, kindness and gratitude help those left behind.

My two godsons and their friends at the memorial across from their house.

But it is at these times that gratitude is even more important. One of the last things that Colleen Ritzer shared on FB in the weeks before she died was this:

'No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good is a wonderful legacy to leave behind.'

What a perfect testament to the life she lived. These words have been a comfort and guide to her students, family and friends in the wake of her loss. How fitting that such a kind and giving person is still 'giving' to those she loved even after her death. God be with you, Colleen.


Another Blessing: I'm sure it's also no coincidence that this time of effusive gratitude happened while my Mom was visiting. Having her here makes me (and Nastia) supremely happy. As Nastia puts it, 'When Grammy is here, it feels like everything is going good in the world.'  A good person to have around when everything is NOT going so 'good' in the world.

We made use of every minute we had with her - took her to the local apple orchard, went trick-or-treating, played games at my house with Nastia and my godsons (my Mom's surrogate grandsons) that has us all laughing so hard I thought I might pee myself. We went to football games and out to eat, and she made her special spaghetti sauce that I love, and we had way too many chicken pot pie dinners to count. We just sat and talked, at her place and ours. And I even convinced her to go on a walk with me on one of her last days - granted it was a walk to and from an appointment she had, but it was a walk nonetheless!

Yet Another Blessing: And then there is Nastia, who is just blossoming before my eyes in ways I never could have conceived even a year ago. She is genuinely happy lately, and engaging with others in ways she never has. She expressed her love for my Mom in ways she thought she never could, and had an authentic goodbye with her - something she usually avoids. She is working really hard at school, writing college essays, preparing her portfolio for colleges, and having very grown-up responses to difficult situations. I'm just so proud of her lately, I could burst.

My Cup Runneth Over!: And if that weren't enough, there is Sasha! Anya is so happy and content lately - the happiest she's ever been. Motherhood suits her, and her only thoughts and actions these days are about her sweet little daughter. We call her daily, and most of the time she says, 'Mama, I can't talk right now, Sasha needs me..." and then she tells us to call back in an hour or so. And on skype, we witness the gentle and oh-so-loving way she talks to Sasha and holds her. Sasha waits in her every word. It's adorable. I may be partial, but I think my granddaughter is just beautiful:

Not even a day old in this photo!

Three weeks old and already lifting her head by herself! And look at those cheeks!

Tired Mama and her little one

As for M, I'm still awaiting my court dates, but am hopeful they will come soon. I have been praying a novena to St Therese of Lisieux and have a number of friends praying, too. I know whatever happens, God is in the details. I feel His support and trust it will unfold as it should. M is impatient, of course, and when I call her she wants to know why it is taking so long. I tell her to just keep saying her prayers and try to be patient. Once she is here, I remind her, it will feel like she never left.

I'll leave you with another inspiring quote Colleen Ritzer shared on her pinterest board. If you want to visit her pinterest yourself, it is here: 

May we all be so wise. 

God be with you, Colleen Ritzer.

Cure for "A Lot on My Plate' Kind of Days?

It's one of those days. You know the kind where you wake up and - faced with all that is on your plate - wish you could climb back under the covers? I woke to ome of those days today, and wondered aloud 'how do other people deal with days like this?' My default response is usually this:

#1 Stay in bed an extra ten minutes and pray for guidance, then:

#2 Clear my head of everything and just breathe deeply for awhile, then:

#3 Subconsciously (and that's they key word!) find ways to avoid 75% of what is on my plate.

Sometimes we can't help it, we end up with days that involve far more to do than we have the means to tackle it. Sometimes it's due to procrastination, other times it's just plain tough luck. I think mine is a combination of both. 

And I'm thinking right now that if I type out my 'to do' list here, I might be shamed into getting more of it done in a timely fashion. Here is my 'must do today' list, in no particular order:

• get car-inspected
• pay overdue oil bill
• respond to jury duty notification
• make appt for sick cat at the vet
• respond to multiple school inquiries about potential residencies
• talk to Virgin Atlantic about my group reservation for 30 to England in April
• finally make overdue 'new' neurologist appt
• get toilet fixed
• replace broken showerhead!
• pick up meds at pharmacy
• drop off invoice at next scheduled school
• set up have-a-heart mouse-traps ASAP (it's that time of year...)
• Start online financial aid form for colleges for Nastia
• Make final college visit appts for this month
• pick up chair ordered at Staples 3 weeks ago!
• send monthly stipend to Anya & Sasha

And here is my 'Can Wait a Day or Two but Must Be Done Soon' List:

• Clean and organize M's room so it is ready when we come home!
• insulate downstairs room & replace broken door
• Winterize the house - take out all air conditioners and screens
• Get new glasses so I can see!
• Plan for final performances for current classes
• Pack suitcase for Latvia so I'm ready to go!
• Find someone to stay with Nastia while I'm in Latvia.
• Replace broken stove
• Make appt to have suspicious black spot on leg looked at!
• take apart trampoline
• pay parking tickets!

This, of course, is not a comprehensive list, but it covers the most important stuff. It is only on days like these that I really feel the burden of being a single mom. Most of the time I love it -- but when my 'to do' list gets too long I feel very aware that I'm on my own. I have so many overdue bills sitting on my kitchen table right now, it is anxiety-provoking to just walk by it. It's time to take the bull by the horns and just tackle them. It's my least favorite things on earth to go - anything involving paperwork and/or accounting. I'd honestly rather have to get bloodwork.

So what kinds of tactics work for you when you feel overwhelmed by the tasks at hand? How do you clean off that plate faster and more efficiently? I need some pointers. I should be heading overseas any day now, so I definitely feel the pressure. Your advice or recommendations are really appreciated!

Joy Joy Joy!

I advocated for some of the girls, and I'm happy to say ALL THREE GIRLS I posted about yesterday have sponsors! Nastya already wrote to me this morning expressing her disbelief and asking me to tell everyone how grateful they are:

'Dear Keri, please tell me how I may express my gratitude to these women for helping me and my friends. I do not know how! It is so generous!'

 Nastya promised to keep tabs on everyone and make sure they are writing back to their sponsors and being good stewards of the money. She is such a gem. She ended her message by thanking me for having confidence in her :)

So now I have three more girls I'd like to tell you about. First up is Sveta. Sveta is 16 and just aged out of the orphanage in June. Nastya tells me she is in school, but I do not know more details about what Sveta is studying or how she is getting by. I do know Sveta is a kind, quiet, thoughtful girl. I first met her in May 2009 when she was 12. She spent most of her time reading, and was overjoyed to receive a barbie doll to play with that summer! The caretaker I trust most says that Sveta is a girl who is "going to make something of herself." She is very level-headed and manages to still be kind and open-hearted while having lived in the hopeless and chaotic environment of the orphanage. This photo is from June of this year:

Next is Tanya. She is 17, and aged out in June. She was a top student and is much-loved by the others girls. She is one of the girls everyone goes to for support and guidance. She is a helper by nature and was always looking out for the younger girls in her group. She is also incredibly friendly and upbeat - something you don't often find in the orphanage population. Here is Tanya in June 2013:

Finally, there is Natasha. Natasha is dear to my heart because she has gone out of her way to watch over my Daniel ( the little boy I was adopting before the adoption ban was put into effect.) She is very serious, hard-working, very private but always ready to help. I had a hard time convincing  her to accept help from a sponsor. I talked with her online for an hour last night, and she was very resistant, because she said 'there are others so much worse off than I. I cannot accept help when there is a bigger need with ______ and ______.' 

I tried to explain why it was important we send money to those we know can 'handle' the support and that she was welcome to help her friends, too. But sending money to some of the more destitute girls actually backfires, I've found. They do not know how to handle the money and end up spending it wastefully  or gorging on too much food all at once. Natasha is very practical and will be careful with every penny. Here she is:

If you would like to sponsor any of these wonderful girls, please let me know. I'm happy to tell you more about them, too! I just ask that those willing to sponsor make a 12 month commitment, so the girls can have some stability for an extended amount of time.

Thank you!

Edit: As of 9pm tonight, ALL these girls are sponsored! I'll be posting about the final 3-4 in the coming week!

These Girls Need Help

Meeting some of the girls outside the orphanage, late June 2013.

As most of you know, I continue to stay in touch with a number of the girls who aged out of orphanage #5. Some of them have sponsors, and this help has kept a few of them from both hunger and homelessness. It is hard for some Americans to believe that $50 a month could literally save a life, but it can. And it has. And since this money goes directly from you to them, there is no waste. There is no organization taking a percentage for advertising or salaries or in-country bribes. I give you the full name of one of the girls I  know to be responsible and trustworthy enough to be a good steward of the money. You commit to sending them $50 per month for 12 months. You send the money to them via western union, and the girls report to you monthly on how they are doing via email or Russian FB (your choice.)  In some instances, you are welcome to send a bit more if you wish, but it truly depends on the situation. For some girls, more than $50 a month would be too much to handle. However, there are other girls who are trying to stay in school and a bit more would keep them there. I cannot post their full names here, but I'll give you their full name if you are matched with one of them.

THE GIRLS:

Ksusha on left, Nastya on right.

First is Nastya K. Nastya currently has a sponsor, but she is in need of additional support as she is trying to secure safe housing so she can remove her younger brother from the orphanage. Now that Nastya is 18, she has a legal right to take in her brother, but she must prove she has safe housing first. She wrote to me last night and said she has found a small apartment in Prokopyevsk that is about 4 miles from the orphanage. To rent it, she must pay a year's rent in advance. The rent on the apartment is only $100 per month, but for her that is a fortune. If I can find a sponsor, or several sponsors, who can provide the funds for her to rent, her little brother will be able to join her and have a much better quality of life. Her brother is friends with my Daniel, and is 14 years old. He's a GREAT kid, and is desperate to live with his sister. 

Ksusha, who appears above with Nastya, is the next one I hope to find a sponsor for. Ksusha has had a very hard life and is finally starting to see that life can bet better than it was in the orphanage. I have been supporting her on and off for the past year, as has an online friend of mine. I now need to find a permanent sponsor for the next twelve months. Ksusha is attending school, but is forced to live in pretty horrible conditions. She has been known to starve herself, sometimes days at a time, just so she could afford school supplies and bus fare to school. She finds it hard to accept help, but is finally more amenable to it. When I visited in June you might remember it took me hours to convince her to buy a few things for herself when I took the girls shopping. Ksusha wants to succeed, but has had so many strikes against her, she is very cautious. She dreams of being a teacher. I want to see this dream come true for her. When she was at school #66 near the orphanage, she was the top student. I'd like to find either one sponsor to send $100 a month, or two sponsors to send $50 each. This will afford Ksusha not only money for food, but also for school supplies, bus fare, etc. 

Finally, the last girl I'll write about today is Angelina.

The photo is from two years ago. When I saw Angelina in June, she had lost significant weight. she had very pale skin and dark circles under her eyes ( see the top photo in this post. That is Angelina, crying.). She seemed very depressed, too. Like Ksusha and Nastya, Angelina is a very bright girl and was one of the favorites at the orphanage. She loves fashion and art, but is currently attending a trade school because she couldn't afford to go anywhere else. The government is paying for her trade school tuition. Angelina stays at the orphanage every weekend because her current living quarters provided by the school are not safe. She is only 17 years old. I would like to find a sponsor to send $50 a month to her to help cover the cost of food and necessities.

If you are interested in helping any of these girls, please leave a comment with your email or a way to contact you. Alternatively, if you would like to help but cannot commit to $50 a month, feel free to make a smaller one-time donation via the paypal like on the top righthand corner of my blog and I will use it to send funds to the girls this month, while I still try to secure a longterm sponsor.

I'll write about the other girls tomorrow and Tuesday.

Thank you!