Soooooo Busy!

I will try my very best to get a decent post up tonight, it's just hard when you have a 9-year-old glued to your side 24/7! I arrived Monday, had court Tuesday and spent the last two days exploring Riga with Matilda. It's been wonderful, frustrating, joyful, funny, sad and everything in between - as expected. Matilda is doing a great job at transitioning, though of course there were and will be tears. I miss Nastia so much it is just awful. I don't know how I will survive another 23 days.

I'll try to write all the details I can tonight when she is winding down, but for now I need to keep this little tornado of energy busy!

The Atheist and His Gift To Me

I've been conversing lately with an atheist. It's fascinating and invigorating and has given me the gift of really going inward and looking closely and honestly at my own beliefs. I'm more grateful to this person than I could possibly express, because his honest and rigorous searching for the truth for himself has given me the gift of deep self-reflection.


But this friend has been challenging me to explain my beliefs and asking lots of questions on why and how I believe such 'magical thoughts.' It doesn't bother me in the least - it does sound like magical thinking...if you don't know Him. And the funny thing is, there is nothing I can say, ever, that could convince this person that God exists. Or that Christ knows us and loves us. Nothing.

Yes, I'm what the world calls a 'Christian' , but I don't even like that word, because it has so many negative connotations these days. I prefer to say I'm following Christ. Following His example, trying my best to be like Him, love like Him, act like Him, live like Him. It's a tall order and, truth be told, I don't just fail to live up to it every day...I fail every second.

And what I hate about contemporary Christians is that far too many of them seem to get their priorities wrong: they get obsessed with the 'Gay Agenda' as they call it (and by the way, I think God sees same sex couples the same way He sees opposite sex couples...but that is another whole post of its own, and YES, I know my scripture, thank you very much), they hyper-focus on constant evangelizing and proselytizing, they judge and point fingers and make decisions from a place of fear. They do ALL these things, instead of doing the one thing Jesus asked of us while He was here - Love. 

Love one another. 

Love your neighbor as yourself. 

Love like the Samaritan did...out of your comfort zone. 

Love like Mary Magdalene did...with an overflowing, scarily generous love. 

Love like Jesus did - putting others ahead of ourselves, even unto death.

I can't talk this friend into believing there is a God. I could spew verses and texts and personal stories for a century and not move him. I can't coerce, persuade, convince in any way. But what I can do is infinitely more convincing. And relevant. And difficult.

I can love.

If we truly, truly lived by Christ's words and simply LOVED as often and as deeply and as honestly and as wholeheartedly as He did, we wouldn't need words. Our life would be the message. Our life alone could prove the existence of a loving God.


I'm so very sad these days, seeing - every. single. day. - examples of how terribly people treat each other. I don't even have to watch the news for an example...I can see it in the actions of people around me, and in myself, every day. Yes, sometimes it is blatant, but more often than not it is a subtle, hidden kind of selfishness and self-absorption that plays out -- we rush to cut into traffic ahead of that other car, we talk incessantly about our own problems, we gossip, we silently judging someone for how they act....we choose the opposite of Love.

I don't want to be cut off from Love like that. Every selfish action, no matter how small, cuts us off from Love. And Love isn't an idea. Love is alive:)

So, I've been on a personal quest for some time to become as loving and compassionate as I can. It's a hard road. I'm making tough choices...doing things that other, wiser souls have done before me and say have worked:

• I'm trying to detach from material things...giving away all I can and focusing my intention on people instead of things. I'm praying and meditating all I can....generations of wise souls have found great soul growth in these acts, and have grown closer to Love.
• I'm sacrificing in ways that are uncomfortable. I don't want to share all the ways with you, because part of the sacrifice is bearing it joyfully, but I'll share one small way -- I am denying myself food I love for one meal a day. A kind of fast. I eat one meal a day as either just a piece of bread or a bowl of plain cereal. I don't enjoy this, but I know from researching spiritual fasting that even small sacrifices like this bear huge spiritual fruit..
• I'm trying also to love others even when its painful or uncomfortable to do so. This has been the hardest of all. There are people who have really hurt me or angered me and I'm trying to see them through God's eyes instead of turning away from them, or judging them harshly.

And in all these things, I ask love for constant support and guidance. He knows the way. He created the Way.

Sometimes the loving choice is antithetical to our human thinking. I often have to ask God a dozen or more times to help me make the more loving choice, but He always answers, even if the voice I hear is like a whisper. He said to 'ask and it shall be given', and He holds to His word...test it out yourself.

I'm not out to convert anyone. Nope. And many of my Christian friends might be bothered by that. But, you see, I have infinite trust in Him. He told me that the greatest commandment is to love God and love my neighbor as myself. And so, I think it's pretty important that I focus on that.

God's love in infinite....so when my very human heart starts grieving, say, that I'm still separated from Anya and Daniel, and when I cry myself to sleep, when I have days of deep sorrow over my inability to bring Anya home after all these years, I remind myself of his Infinite Love. From my perspective it may seem that He is not answering my prayers, but I know from my experience as a parent, that children do NOT see the whole picture. I need to trust my Father. He has my back. I just know it.

And so, this friend of mine has forced some really hard questions, and I've found that I am perfectly content with some questions remaining unanswered. Why? Because in my lifetime, Love has proven Himself over and over as a faithful parent. I need only trust.

This friend asked the other night 'What if you find out it's all a myth?'
I thought about his question and realized it wouldn't really change much for me. It is my Truth, and even if there were a way to prove to me it's 'magical thinking' as he calls it, I wouldn't change a thing. Love is the greatest teacher, and I'm His student. May my gravestone be my diploma:)

Here We Go!

Life sure takes some unexpected turns!

In 48 hours, I am headed across the ocean to court! I know court usually breeds fear in most minds, but this is adoption court! I'm going to bring my newest little sweetheart home!

I will try my best to post about the experience while I'm there, though the posts will be fairly censored since I can't post anything specific about my girl. But I"ll try to at least include details about my personal journey, and about the beautiful country I'll be living in for a month!

I had all but given up hope of getting my court dates in 2013, when my agency contacted me yesterday. I was asked if I could get to Latvia by Monday.

Monday?????

I took a census of people I trusted and the resounding answer was...find a way to make it happen! So, with a million prayers packed under my heart, I started looking for last minute tickets and hotels.

I enlisted the help of an army of adoption friends online, and by 10am this morning, I had tickets, hotel, and a half-packed suitcase.

I probably won't get to write again until Monday, so see you then! I'll leave you with a photo of the square near the apartment I'll be staying in. So excited!

Thank you, God, for bringing M and me together as mother and daughter. I am grateful beyond your wildest imaginings!!!!

Counting Our Blessings in All Circumstances

I feel grateful every day I'm alive, but sometimes the gratitude I feel is so effusive, it is like a tidal wave of grace that pours over me and knocks off my feet. This week has felt like that. 

And I've been meditating and thinking alot about a person whose short life was marked by kindness, joy and gratitude - Collen Ritzer.

Colleen

A blessing: Colleen Ritzer was my godson's teacher and I had the luck of communicating with her a few times when I was tutoring them last year, and her loss hit the entire community very hard. Watching her students, including my godsons, deal with loss has been hard. But Colleen's own words have been a comfort to everyone. Even after her death, her firm focus on goodness, kindness and gratitude help those left behind.

My two godsons and their friends at the memorial across from their house.

But it is at these times that gratitude is even more important. One of the last things that Colleen Ritzer shared on FB in the weeks before she died was this:

'No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good is a wonderful legacy to leave behind.'

What a perfect testament to the life she lived. These words have been a comfort and guide to her students, family and friends in the wake of her loss. How fitting that such a kind and giving person is still 'giving' to those she loved even after her death. God be with you, Colleen.


Another Blessing: I'm sure it's also no coincidence that this time of effusive gratitude happened while my Mom was visiting. Having her here makes me (and Nastia) supremely happy. As Nastia puts it, 'When Grammy is here, it feels like everything is going good in the world.'  A good person to have around when everything is NOT going so 'good' in the world.

We made use of every minute we had with her - took her to the local apple orchard, went trick-or-treating, played games at my house with Nastia and my godsons (my Mom's surrogate grandsons) that has us all laughing so hard I thought I might pee myself. We went to football games and out to eat, and she made her special spaghetti sauce that I love, and we had way too many chicken pot pie dinners to count. We just sat and talked, at her place and ours. And I even convinced her to go on a walk with me on one of her last days - granted it was a walk to and from an appointment she had, but it was a walk nonetheless!

Yet Another Blessing: And then there is Nastia, who is just blossoming before my eyes in ways I never could have conceived even a year ago. She is genuinely happy lately, and engaging with others in ways she never has. She expressed her love for my Mom in ways she thought she never could, and had an authentic goodbye with her - something she usually avoids. She is working really hard at school, writing college essays, preparing her portfolio for colleges, and having very grown-up responses to difficult situations. I'm just so proud of her lately, I could burst.

My Cup Runneth Over!: And if that weren't enough, there is Sasha! Anya is so happy and content lately - the happiest she's ever been. Motherhood suits her, and her only thoughts and actions these days are about her sweet little daughter. We call her daily, and most of the time she says, 'Mama, I can't talk right now, Sasha needs me..." and then she tells us to call back in an hour or so. And on skype, we witness the gentle and oh-so-loving way she talks to Sasha and holds her. Sasha waits in her every word. It's adorable. I may be partial, but I think my granddaughter is just beautiful:

Not even a day old in this photo!

Three weeks old and already lifting her head by herself! And look at those cheeks!

Tired Mama and her little one

As for M, I'm still awaiting my court dates, but am hopeful they will come soon. I have been praying a novena to St Therese of Lisieux and have a number of friends praying, too. I know whatever happens, God is in the details. I feel His support and trust it will unfold as it should. M is impatient, of course, and when I call her she wants to know why it is taking so long. I tell her to just keep saying her prayers and try to be patient. Once she is here, I remind her, it will feel like she never left.

I'll leave you with another inspiring quote Colleen Ritzer shared on her pinterest board. If you want to visit her pinterest yourself, it is here: 

May we all be so wise. 

God be with you, Colleen Ritzer.