Missing My Girl & Hoping for Good 'Travel' News

most recent photo of Anya <3

We've been missing Anya so much around here. Usually we skype with her weekly, but her netbook died so we have not had contact. And buying one there is far too expensive, so she has to wait until I visit again to bring a new one. In the meantime, the silence is killing us! She was able to message me a few days ago using a friend's parent's computer, but it was brief, and sad.


Anya is not doing so well lately. The trial keeps being postponed, and her hope of coming here for reconstructive surgery seems to have completely died. She just doesn't see it as a possibility anymore. Nearly a year since the shooting, she still wears the "Llizarov Apparatus" although the surgeons promised her it would be removed 4 months ago. She still endures the pain of frequent 'screw turnings', and seems to have simply reached her emotional limit in dealing with her life circumstances. This happens whenever we go long periods without seeing her in person. its been over a year since we were last there, so it makes sense that she's grieving again.

I know that mail really does lift her spirits a great deal, so I'm hoping some of you will consider sending her a postcard or 'get well' card. It is very easy to translate what you want to say via google translate. Just go to google translate, type in what you wish to say and hit the translate button into Russian! Here is the address she is at currently, if you feel inspired to send her a note. It needs to be addressed to her 'cousin' Oksana, as Anya is not properly registered at this address and can therefore not receive mail there. but Oksana will pass on everything to Anya. Just mention it is for Anya on the other side of the envelope, where the post office won't care what you write:) Here is the address:


OKSANA ILINDEEVA
Ulitse Kanskaya, 25
Kemerovo 650002
Kemerovskaya Oblast
RUSSIA


Also, Anya's birthday is August 1st, so if you get something in the mail this week, it might just get to her in time! she has absolutely LOVED getting mail via her friend Ira. A few of you sent small packages, and she was so excited to get those she had a hard time calming down enough to explain it to me on skype! No matter what, please keep her in your prayers and thoughts. She is really feeling defeated, overwhelmed and lonely lately. She needs a great deal of support right now. With all she's been through in her little life, I don't even know how she has made it this far. 


On the potentially good news front, I finally finally finally got the remaining piece of paperwork that had to be redone for my adoption. I head to Boston in the morning to get it apostilled and ship it to the attorney overnight. This ONE document is the missing piece. Everything else is translated and sitting reading to be delivered to the Russian 'Ministry of Education. I am sooo sooo hoping my attorney says I will be travelling soon. Please send as many prayers and good thoughts as you can! I'm ready to get on a plane this minute! Wouldn't it be wonderful if I end up being there for Anya's birthday???

Looking for the Answer to Everything?

The answer is: always, always choose Love.

I have more than a few friends and students going through very challenging times right now. My heart breaks for them, and I want to remind each one of them to beware of negative self-talk, out of control rage, and self-pity.

We are human beings and our lives, while here, will always be a challenge. We need to embrace the Light as much as possible. Choose LOVE over fear, be present, and BREATHE. Reach always higher, lift yourself above the storm. Ask God for help. For my Athiest and agnostic friends - if you do not believe in a God who can help, then just strive to be your highest, most loving version of yourself. Meditate on this:

 'To understand all is to forgive all.'

We are in a time of great change and upheaval. So many people are hurting and struggling. Have patience with others! Know most are doing their best and do not mean to hurt you! Forgive, if not for another, then for yourself. 


I see on facebook how much time some of my friends spend in judging other people, posting political rants that only engender hate, or post mean, passive-aggresive statements that are meant to call someone out, but really don't. Its important to ALWAYS look inward first.  Is it imperative to share your hurt or anger? If so, what is the most loving way you can do it? Can you speak directly without resorting to name-calling or hateful words?

Life is short. 


Life is very, very short.


Don't miss the chance to extend your hand and heart to another if you can. The greatest gift you can give in this life is your unconditional love of another human being. If you hold a grudge or hate in your heart, you hurt only yourself.

What Would It Be?

If you had to have something written on your heart, indelible, what would it be? Would it be one word or a quote? Would it be someone's name? A mantra or motto? A plea? A shout-out to God or the universe? A cry? A poem?

And would you hide it or reveal it? Would you use to it teach others or shock them? Would you guard it or share it with, even, strangers?

I'd love to hear your answer...


EDIT: I posted this yesterday and a full 382 people have stopped by to read it in the past 24 hours, but only two responded. Two!  I'm curious why most people don't respond. Am I not inviting enough? Does the question seem rhetorical? Do I only have an audience of lurkers in the summer? I'm curious as to why so many blog readers never comment. Any ideas?


I'd still really and truly love to hear your answer:)

Shhh...Listen

I'm sorry I don't post as much, friends. The reason is very simple - I'm in a 'gathering' process. Writing seems counter-productive and somewhat of a struggle at this time. It feels as if all my soul's energy and will is focused on absorbing, gathering and taking 'in'. You might ask 'what', right? I'd say I am absorbing as much information, wisdom and insight as I can. I am praying and meditating twice daily - listening for insight from God/Love. I'm disciplining myself to listen inwardly, to tilt my ear towards the Great Silence and hear what that beloved Creator of 'All That Is' might be saying.

And I'm practicing awareness. I'm watching myself and, with great kindness, trying to teach myself a deeper and deeper knowing and caring of others. I'm trying to listen more deeply, and love more unconditionally. I'm trying to push all worries, fears and excuses aside and just be present with whomever is put in my path. I'm trying to be as open and flexible in my heart and head as I am able. I am holding high expectations of myself to be the most loving and helpful version of myself I can be.

It's hard. Sometimes our physical selves want to be lazy. Mine does. Sometimes I don't want to discipline myself and it takes great effort and commitment to keep at it. I think of Jesus, and Buddha. I think of people who have disciplined themselves and walked through great trials. I think of Gandhi and MLK and Mother Theresa. I try to learn from their lives, their words. I try to listen more deeply to the things they said. I challenge myself to try harder and harder. I want to be the most loving version of myself possible before I leave this planet.

And why? Because I cannot think of anything greater to aspire to on this earth than to be as loving a vessel as possible. Love means a great many different things to a great many different people. What I aspire to when I say 'loving' is to listen and be present with others right where they are at, to be as forgiving as my flawed little self can muster, to be as accepting and caring and present as my human form will allow. This does not mean there is no room for strong words and strong actions sometimes. Sometimes Love is a winnowing fork. My job is to be present, to listen and to discern with as much Love as I can muster.

And when you make this commitment, life will hear you. You will have trials. You will be given the chance to practice your commitment in the worst of circumstances. This has been my experience lately. I haven't passed every test, but I've learned from each of them. Right now I am learning compassion for those who hate me. We all have those who hate us, but we usually strive very hard to either sway their opinions or, in less inspired instances, seek revenge of some kind. I'm choosing neither. I'm practicing loving these people despite their opinion of me. Is it easy? No. But it gets easier every day. We must strive to rise above all darkness, especially the darkness that can settle in human hearts. How else can we foster change? We can't. Unless we invite the light in, unless we love when others hate, we cannot evoke change of any lasting kind.

I want to truly, unequivocally, with all my heart, be part of true and lasting change. And the only change that makes a difference is Love.

I'm now heading back into a very busy work schedule and I'm scared. I know how difficult it will be to hold this level of awareness when I am working so many hours, and responsible for so many people. I will call on Love to inspire and uplift me through it. I will ask for my heart to be enlightened. I will listen as fervently and humbly as I can.

So that is why I have been relatively quiet. I feel incapable of sharing anything of true consequence lately, because my whole heart and soul are so very preoccupied with listening and learning. But it's just a season. I know another season will come sooner than I expect. But for now, I am in a quiet place and my ear is turned to the Source of All Love, and I am listening.

Father's Day and Other Triggers

Sasha, Nastia's birthfather

This has been a week of triggers for Nastia - the end of school, Father's Day, news about her birthmother, and a few other big ticket items. Of course, when you parent a child of trauma, you get to be the recipient of much long-buried rage and anger. I can't say I've enjoyed her company much lately, but I am certainly doing my best to support her with love through what I know is a very difficult time for her.


Friday was meltdown day, with her in a pool of tears over a school project. 8:30am found us still on the floor of my downstairs office - her in the fetal position and hysterically crying, me trying to coax her out of her armor. If I didn't get her to school for her 9am final, she would get a zero. Boy, did I pray. I somehow got her there just in time, though she cried all the way to the door, and then I went in to talk to the school psychologist about what was going on. She wasn't there. Was I able to hold it together? No. I ended up in a pool of tears myself right there in the guidance office of the high school.

Saturday we got unexpected news about her birthmother. We've heard nothing about her for years now, so it was a very big shock. I can't share the news, and it wasn't upsetting news per se, but just the fact that we got an email about her from Nastia's remaining family in Siberia ripped a big whole in my daughter's heart. She was not ready to deal with this during such an already difficult time.

Then...Father's Day. For any of us with non-living fathers, this day is, at best, uncomfortable. Add to that the conflicting feelings of a teenager who never knew her father (and still can't decide if she wants to love him or hate him) and you get a very 'unsteady' and unwelcome holiday. We talked - alot - about both our fathers. We visited my Dad's grave and talked aloud to him in the shade of his beautiful gravestone. We took a long walk in the woods. We talked about what our fathers might say to us if they were here with us on this day. We sat in silence for awhile on the grass in the cemetery, and stared up at the green canopy overhead. We discussed death and heaven and loss everything in between. It was a pretty somber weekend.

Today Nastia wanted alot of alone time. I let her. Usually it's not healthy for her to isolate in her room, but today it was fairly obvious that she was processing alot and needed it. At about 3pm, after she had two hours of quiet, I coaxed her into walking the dogs with me by reminding her of the bread we had to feed the turtles and ducks. We headed to the pond in the woods and fed the biggest snapping turtles you have ever seen. And then we went to the other side and fed a family of ducks -- a mom and six ducklings. They were the cutest little things! We walked home at a leisurely pace with Henry and Matilda, fed everyone, and got to work on some final homework things she had left for her last day of school, tomorrow.


Tomorrow is also the seventh anniversary of my own father's death. He died just a few weeks after I brought Nastia home. He never got to meet her, though he called me about a dozen times a day to ask about her, in the days leading up to his death. He was so excited to have a grandchild - his first one. He called me incessantly to ask what she was doing, what new discoveries she was making, what was she eating, what new words had she learned. He revelled in each new discovery. 'Write it all down!' he'd admonish me at the end of every phone call. 'You don't want to forget any of this stuff!'

It doesn't hurt so much anymore - the anniversary of his death. The first few years felt like a flesh wound was ripped open every June 19th. Now it's just a day with a little pensive quality to it. Not too sad, but not a day to forget either.

Nastia and I are both on a healing journey and I see it getting easier with every passing year. Sometimes, like this past week, we hit setbacks. But for the most part, we are moving forward with every day, shaking off the dust of past hurts and traumas, and leaning into an ever-brightening future. I wish the same for you all.

Rise Above The Storm

(Title credit to Marge!)

There is a deep peace that comes with knowing who you are. Don't let the world shake you. If you hold yourself accountable to your own integrity and truth, then nothing that another could say or think can really harm you. We live on this planet with billions of other souls where the chance for conflict, misunderstanding, and misalignment is phenomenally huge. Monumentally, outrageously huge. You are not being singled out by God for punishment when these things happen, you are simply experiencing life as we know it on this planet full of struggling, complicated and often very confused human beings. It's not always your job to set people straight if they misunderstand you or are angry with you. Sometimes you just need to trust that 'the truth will out,' even if that 'out' won't happen in your lifetime.

Why am I saying this? Because I experienced a catastrophic misunderstanding this month. It was so out of proportion that it started looking to me like the people involved might possibly be dealing with mental illness. It was like a loosed wild animal. The whole experience was stunning in its' ferocity. I literally remained speechless for a number of days while I tried to wrap my head around the experience. In the end, I couldn't. It simply was something out of my control and I had to step away.

The crux of the matter involved someone accusing me of lying and intentionally hurting a group of people, and yet when I offered physical proof that this was not the case, the person continued, and still continues, to misalign me, gossip about me and generally act like a junior high school bully. It's so far beyond my ability to comprehend it, that I nearly wrote this person to offer to meet her in person so she could exorcise her anger face to face and, maybe, resolve whatever is going on in her head. Friends smartly advised against this. Why engage a spitting cat? It won't work. When people are angry, they cannot hear. And when people are so entrenched in their own version of the truth, wild horses couldn't pull them in the other direction. They are stuck in their belief, and there they'll stay.

The whole experience has been a deeply painful but powerful lesson, however. It came on the heels of my finally setting some important boundaries in my life. Although it honestly took a health scare to shock me into setting such limits, it was inevitable. My life could no longer run the way it was if I planned on staying in human form for much longer. Sorry to be cryptic -- I'll tell a more detailed account of this when the adoption is complete! For now, you all know the drill -- pre-adoptive parents (like me) are forced to keep a tight lid on everything but the mundane. Apologies for that.

Anyway, back to the lesson: I've always had a very hard time dealing with any anger directed my way. It's common for anyone who had a childhood that involved an active alcoholic. Anger brings out the fight or flight response. I think I've spent more energy in my life keeping others happy than I have in attaining any other measurable goal. It was my life's work -- and I was good at it.

But there comes a point when you either decide it's time to take care of yourself or, as in my case, a time when your health or life circumstances demand it. And when you finally do what you should have done decades earlier, well, people don't like it so much. You've changed. People like the OLD you. They have no use for this NEW you. And then the world around you shifts, because people are rebelling against this change you have made. Ah well, you must just breathe and keep your eye on the prize. Because in the end, of course, there is no one you can change but yourself.

In the past week, fate has brought several people to my door who are struggling with similar things. It's been such a gift to share my journey with them and help them to look at the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that nothing matters so much as Love. But Love takes many forms, and sometimes the most loving thing you can do is take care of yourself and trust that others will be taken care of without your meddling. Sometimes love involves letting go, as we've all heard so many times. Sometimes love involves keeping silent when others rage and rant about you, or accuse you falsely or send you hate mail. Yes, silence can often be the most loving response of all.

Buddha said to love, forgive and let go of that which you cannot change. Jesus said to turn the other cheek. The Dalai Lama was recently asked how he handled hatred and anger directed at him, and he explained that patience and compassion are the only helpful responses. He also reminds his listeners of the intimate connection between compassion and humility, when dealing with hatred: 'Humility involves having the capacity to retaliate, yet deliberately deciding not to do so.'

We must do our best, strive to our highest selves, even when we are dealing with the worst in others -- especially when dealing with the worst in others. We, each one of us, is on an arduous journey and we can have no real knowledge of how difficult that journey is for another at any given time. We do right by ourselves most when we rise above the storm and keep calm. We do right by God when we choose humility and patience over fear or retaliation. We do right by others when we do right by ourselves and God. Here's to all those brave human warriors out there, courageously choosing humility over hate and calm acceptance over fear. It will pay off, my brave friends. It always does.

Your Existence Gives Me Hope

A long while ago an online friend sent me this photo in a thank you email. I hadn't done much -- just lent an ear during a very trying time she was struggling through. I saved the email, because the kindness expressed in it was so heartfelt. I was grateful I had made a difference, however small, in this faraway friend's life.

Today I ran across this photo again, and it made me think of all the people I have never met who have bettered my life and whose existence on this earth give me hope. There are so many - Christie M, Annie K, Ashley - my kindred spirit way up North, Margie, Rosemary, sweet Alysa, MariaG, 'Saint' Debora U, Blessed, MagicFaerie,...

I couldn't possibly list them all.

And I thought, how wonderful. How wonderful that we can reach across miles and oceans and be there for one another. How wonderful that we can make friends through 'the ethers', not just through common routes. A larger world of kindred spirits and dear hearts is open to us in a way it never was before. It's easy to give the internet a bad rap; it is so abused by so many. But wonderful kinships can form this way..I've experienced it myself.

So I want to thank all the readers who have been there to offer hope when I've felt hopeless, prayers when I've felt unable to pray myself, an ear when I've needed one, a gentle word when I've ached for one, and even a cheer and a 'bravo' when I've shared a rare victory. You are sooo appreciated. You are gratefully and soulfully acknowledged. You matter.

These past few months, as you know, have been some of the most difficult of my life. I haven't even been able to share details for fear of causing problems with my adoption. But some of you know because you've emailed, written or even called. I'll share everything once I can do so without fear, though that may be a good six months from now! I just wanted to say I am humbled and grateful beyond words to so many of you. Even though I have been silent, I have been thinking of you and sending my gratitude up to the heavens. I hope you feel it raining down on you when you are most in need.

Remember, you matter.