Finding the Silver Lining In Our Suffering

Sometimes we forget. We forget that the woman hastily cutting in front of us in traffic might just be racing home to a sick child. We forget that the rude older man in front of us at the bank might be heading home to care for a wife with dementia. The child so chronically belligerent in class may be dealing with an alcoholic or absentee parent. We forget and forget and forget. It's easier to assume the worst -- that these others are selfish, lazy, or just plain mean spirited. but it is almost always not the case.

Take me for example. I abhor appearing weak. I absolutely hate it, and yet sometimes the pain from this auto-immune disease positively knocks the wind out of me. I walk slower.I don't smile. I have trouble moving out of your way when you say "excuse me" in your rush to get by me in the grocery aisle. And I feel like a burden for that second you glance at me with that judgemental look. It hurts.

Today I am very sad. I see how easy it is in our overly zealous, get-things-done-now society to remember to practice simple kindness with others. Everyone is in such a rush. And if I feel the sting every few months when I suffer a relapse, I hate to think of what the elderly or disabled feel like every day. When I am in chronic pain, I don't have the luxury of taking a day off. I move through it as best I can. But dealing with the pain is not the worst part. The worst part is dealing with the people I run into during the day who get frustrated with me.

Having this disease means that every time I fail to take really good care of myself, get enough sleep, eat organically, pace myself....I crash. For me the first sign is as general malaise. Something feels 'not right.' This is followed by swollen gums and the inability to eat anything other than liquid foods. Then a fever sets in. It lasts from 2-5 days, and never gets above 100 degrees, but it runs me down. Finally, the worst part, is the rheumatoid arthritis. It hurts to get out of bed. It hurts to bend over and tie my shoes. It hurts to walk. It hurts to type. It hurts to do just about everything. It's hard to smile when I'm dealing with this, but I try. I hate having everyone asking what's wrong. I just want to be left alone to manage the pain until it disappears as mysteriously as it arrives.

At the grocery store, I have to ask for help getting the bags in my cart. Sometimes the cashier gives me a look of disdain, as if I am one of those entitled types that is too lazy to lift anything myself. Then, when I try to back my car out of my parking space and must really take my time ( since I can't turn my neck all the way over my shoulder), there will be someone (last night it was a man in a BMW) who will honk their horn at me and give an angry look, as if I were moving at a snail's pace just to cause him grief. Even my daughter is not immune. She's a teen after all, and when I ask for help getting the bags in the house, I get told I'm lazy. I know she doesn't really mean it, but it hurts.

But the gift that this terrible disease has given me, is a new level of patience and understanding of those around me. I don't honk at slow drivers so much anymore. I don't rush to get past the slow person in the grocery store. I wait quietly when someone is backing out of a parking space --and I take the time to say a prayer, instead of curse them under my breath. We all need to be a little more patient. We never know what physical, emotional or mental burdens that person is carrying. We are all fighting a hard battle every day, and we need compassion.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say something crazy. As painful as this disease is, I have reached a point where I see it as a great gift. God took this terrible life-sentence and turned it into a blessing. He can do that with anything terrible in our lives. Just ask Him. Two years ago, when I first experienced this disease, I started asking God to show me the silver lining that might be hiding behind the pain and suffering. He did, and continues to. I am not a patient person by nature, but God is using this disease to strengthen me spiritually and emotionally, while the disease itself tries to weaken me physically.He is teaching me patience and trust and faith. The pain itself has won me a deeper compassion for others. Suffering truly is a crucible where God is able to refine us, if only we let Him. I hope you can find the silver linings in your own suffering today.

God bless you.

Grumpy Old Lady

Nastia and I just got back from our weekly food shopping at Whole Foods.

So, we were in line to purchase our salads for lunch first, and there was a tiny old lady ahead of us. Barely able to walk, cane in one hand, handle of the shopping cart in the other. She was all of four feet tall, at best. She was buying three containers of macaroons, stew meat, and a bag of chips. Nastia and I were quietly commenting to one another how cute she was, when this tiny little woman started lambasting the checkout girl in a very loud, gruff, unladylike voice:

'DON'T YOU GO PUTTING THOSE IN A PAPER BAG! I WANT PLASTIC. PLASTIC! DO YOU HEAR ME?'

'Um, we don't do plastic here,' replied the stunned teenaged checkout girl behind the counter.

Nastia was giggling at this point because the woman was soooo tiny and yet her words were sooo loud. We didn't expect such a booming voice to come out of that tiny frame. To add insult to injury, she started yelling at the checkout girl again, this time waving a bony finger at her:

'HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY THAT BAG? I CAN'T POSSIBLY CARRY THAT BAG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?'

'Umm, do you want me to use two separate bags?'

'WHAT DID YOU SAY?' she replied with the fury of a pitbull.

'Do you want two bags instead?'

'I CAN'T HEAR YOU!  YOU'RE MUMBLING!WHAT ON EARTH  DID YOU  SAY?' The tiny old lady was more than agitated with the checkout girl. She looked ready to slap her.

 The checkout girl with infinite patience tries again and raises her voice a bit. "Umm, two bags?" She even holds up two bags to illustrate.

'YES, I WANT TWO BAGS. OF COURSE I WANT TWO BAGS! DO YOU EXPECTED ME TO CARRY EVERYTHING IN ONE?'

At this point Nastia is getting mad at the old lady. "Mom, she's being mean. Say something." I explain to her that there is no reason to say something in this situation. The woman is clearly in her nineties, and set in her ways. She is not going to listen to anything I have to say to her. The old lady then hands her card over to the checkout girl.

'Umm, you need to swipe it.'

'WHAT DID YOU SAY?'

'It needs to be swiped...'

And the angelic checkout girl points to the credit card machine and gestures swiping it.. At this point the old lady is at her boiling point. She stares at the machine and tries every which way to swipe it. The machine is in an awkward location that makes it impossible for the checkout girl to help her. Otherwise, I'm certain she would have done it for her. Finally, the old lady succeeds. She places her card in her purse, in a huff, and starts to lift her bags.

'Umm..... you need to sign.'  The checkout girl is really venturing out on thin ice here. I worry for her. The old lady is ready to explode and grabs the pen away from the checkout girl with a rude tug. She tries to sign, but finds her coffee cup in the way. She gets furious and abruptly hands her coffee to the checkout girl to hold. The saintly teenager complies and waits while the old lady tries to read, and then sign, the slip. She slams the pen down with an air of finality and starts to put her bags into the cart.

A well-intentioned older man with bad timing suddenly walks by and asks the woman if he can help her bring the bags out to her car. Nastia and I cringe. We know what's coming. Before he even finishes his sentence, the old lady moves her arms across the bags in a dramatically protective manner and screams  "NOOOOO!!" at the top of her little lungs.

The would-be Samaritan walks woundedly away.

Nastia and I finally ring our salads through quickly, and by the time we are ready to walk away from the register, the old lady is still there fiddling with her bags.  Nastia is afraid to squeeze by her. 'Just say excuse me, honey.' I said quietly from behind.  Nastia turns to me. 'No way, mom! Did you see what she did to that old man?'

And so we patiently wait for the lady to maneuver her cart as she heads towards the door. We finally go and sit down at the cafeteria tables.

'Mom, that lady has a whole lot of anger. I thought she was really cute at first, but that much anger doesn't leave any room for cuteness.' says my wise daughter. She looks around and about 15 feet away still stands the old lady with her cart. She is obviously waiting for someone to come pick her up.

We eat and chat, and Nastia keeps turning around to check on the old lady, who still stands by the exit door, purse on her arm and grasping the cart. She looks cold.

Nastia continues to fluctuate between eating, chatting, and checking on the old woman. Finally she puts her fork down.

'Mom, I feel bad for her. Maybe we should ask her if she wants to sit down.'  A glance at the grimace on the woman's face leads to a change of opinion. 'No, I better not.' Nastia adds. She begins eating again.

A good fifteen minutes go by and the woman is still there. Nastia looks concerned and resolved.

'Mom, I'm sorry, but no one is too old to change. Not even her. I think we should pray for her.' And so, at my daughter's behest, we close our eyes and say a little prayer for the grumpy old lady. A few minutes later, Nastia checks on her again.  She is still standing -- purse on arm, grimace on face -- by the exit door. She is obviously still angry, and cold.

'Mom..' Nastia says, 'I think she might need two prayers...'  So we pray again, and this time Nastia scrunches up her eyes and I can tell she is really concentrating on getting this woman some divine assistance. So sweet.

Finally, it's time for us to leave the table and head to the shopping carts. The old woman is blocking the way, and I very carefully and unassumingly squeeze by her. Nastia hesitates, and then follows slowly behind me.

We get past the old lady, and Nastia suddenly grabs my arm. 'Mom! You won't believe this!' Nastia looks over her shoulder, back in the direction of the angry little lady.

'Mom...She SMILED at me! How is that possible? I looked at her.... and.... she..... SMILED.' Nastia, glances one last time over her shoulder, hooks her arm in mine, and we waltz over to the shopping carts. She is obviously truly  moved by what happened.

'See Mom?' She smiles as she tries to tug a cart free, "Miracles  happen even in grocery stores.'

Things That are Occupying My Mind This Day

My favorite photo of Nastia this summer.

Most of the time I am able to hand all my worries over to God. Sometimes I have those days, like today, where the anxiety spills into my conscious mind and I have trouble putting them in their place. I have a hundred little things swimming around my brain today, like a school of fish trapped in a circular current. Maybe if I set them down on paper, even virtual paper, it will help to release them.

Worry One: I have been unable to reach anyone at the orphanage for close to three weeks. This is very upsetting and worrisome to me. i was speaking to D almost every other day, and now he has not heard from me in weeks. I wonder if he's worried or feels forgotten. I have called, I have emailed, I have called the few teens there who have phones, I have emailed the Director privately. The calls go unanswered,the emails garner no response, the teens' phones have a message saying "out of funds" and the director herself has not responded to my personal emails. now, in all likelihood she is on her annual vacation, but it is still hard to not know how everyone is doing there. I go on google earth and look at the building and pray for them. Hope they feel it.

Worry Two:  I have been unable to get the payment owed me by two different schools and so I have had to put my homestudy on hold until I can pay for it. i'm plugging away at other dossier documents ( for D's Adoption) but the late start on my homestudy is slowing everything else down and making me scared and sad.
for one school, I am going to have to probably go to court to get the $2500 they owe me. I don't like that. generally when people or schools don't pay me, I try for a year and then give up. But this is such a large amount, It's not right to let it go. But I'm scared to go after it. I wish they'd just do the right thing...

Worry Three: I  am starting to realize that many of Nastia's learning disabilities are holding her back more than expected. We homeschool, so I don't notice them as much because we work at her grade  level, which is several years behind her peers. But she is in Driver's Ed. now and struggling to understand and keep up. No matter how much we work on it, her spelling never improves. Because of her nystagmus, she is still reading very slowly and it is difficult for her to copy notes from the board in her current class. She is feeling so down on herself and keeps calling herself 'stupid', because the other kids seem to 'get it' in class, and she is lost. One of the primary reasons we homeschooled ( aside from the fact that she was acting out at school) is that I hated hearing my daughter say she was 'stupid' all the time. At home, I can move at her pace and help her feel successful. She loves the Driver's Ed class and the teacher, but she is seeing how hard it is for her to follow, and it makes her sad. It is bringing up all the dormant worries I have about her future. She is SUCH a great girl, so full of love and so very curious about the world, but she is way behind her peers and always will be. I'm sad for her right now.

Well that's enough whining for now. There are a good many more worries keeping house in my head, but I'm not ready to share them all with the world. But I do feel better letting these three out!

I hand them all over to God, who is bigger than any of them. May He use all of them for good and help me see the light in them, too.

Wowie!!!

Kids dressed up in costumes we provided!
Including Ded Moroz!

If anyone reading this is in doubt that the world is made up of wonderful people, talk to me! I just made a list of the email addresses of all those interested in sending a ziploc bag for the orphanage, and --between here and my facebook page -- we are at 35!!!!

I will find a way to fit them all if it kills me, but any over and above this 35 might end up having to go on my May or June trip ( when I go to bring D home!). If I end up having a friend go with me next month (she's trying to raise the funds to go) then I can bring another 25-30 gallon bags!!!

So, today was a snow day, so I am trying to get on top of this project. I will be emailing everyone today and tomorrow with my address and contact info, as well as the name and age of a child. If you are participating, you should put the name and age of the child in block letters, with a sharpie pen, on the front of the bag. That way I can easily pass them out when I am there.

I understand that some of you might worry about the children who will not be getting bags. I've got that covered! I will have a checklist of who is getting one, and for those who do not, I will inform them that theirs are coming on my next trip in May or June.

Jana, Valya, Christina & others sewing things with materials
that you Blog Readers provided!

For those of you who have written to ask me if their Christmas box ever arrived at the orphanage, I promise to inform you if and when I hear. I have not been able to reach the orphanage by phone or email for over two weeks. My guess is that the director took her annual vacation at the end of the Russian Holidays and has not arrived back yet. I know that when she is on vacation, it is 'all hands on deck' at the orphanage. I doubt they are bothering to answer the phone while she is away. I should hear back from them soon!

Lastly, I would truly appreciate fervent prayers about the potential hosting program. It is actually looking promising. They have asked for an additional letter from a US govt official in support of what we are doing. I hope to get either John Kerry's office or Congressman Tierney's office to draft such a letter for me. Once they receive that, they will render a decision. Please, please pray. It is no stretch to say that this may be a life or death decision for many of these children. Meaning: if they are able to come this summer and meet families, that is their best chance for eventually getting out of the orphanage system. I don't need to remind you of what happens to these kids when they age out at 16.

Also, please pray for the right people to present themselves in helping me to set up a non-profit. Paperwork is not my forte, but I am feeling a stronge nudging from God to move forward now rather than later. I still dream daily of that cottage on the hill above the orphanage. I'm re-reading a great book by Mother Theresa right now that has me even more motivated to dream!

Just Letting You Know...

These are the best kind! Sturdy and least likely to break or tear!

I will be emailing all of you who want to participate in the ziploc bag drive for the orphanage children. However, it won't be until at least late this weekend. Working full-time right now and no free time at all until after 2pm this Sunday. Thank you so much for expressing interest, everyone! I'll be in touch! For now, you can have fun brain-storming what you might want to include! Here's an idea-generating list that I cut and pasted:

pencils, pens, stationary, hair elastics, small toiletries, soap, postcards, photos, small toys, lip balm, stickers, a harmonica, beanie babies, gum, comb, matchbox cars, marbles, checkers, yo-yos, dominoes, solar calculators, nail polish, mints, solar flashlights, craft items, sewing kits, necklaces, bracelets, silly bands,  little lego packs, small dolls, scotch tape, crayons, erasers, rulers, scented lotions, embroidery thread ( used to make bracelets), silly putty, glitter, sea shells, balloons, candy that won't melt, colorful socks, playing cards, modeling clay, plastic animals, coin purses, wallets, and anything else you can think of! What they enjoy most of all is a card or letter and photos included. It's easy to translate something into Russia by using an online translator. Include your handwritten note or letter and than staple the translation to it.

If you have any great ideas to add to this list, please post a comment!

Gearing Up For The Next Orphanage Visit!

100 colored pencils at about 4 cents a piece.

Ok, I can't help it. I was at Target today to get household basics like trash bags, sponges, and the like. Someone on blogspot had mentioned big sales currently at Target for toys and things, so I thought I'd just take a look while I was there. In the end, the toys were actually not on sale at my area store, but what they did have was awesome! I scrounged the clearance aisle and found bulk pencils for sale, colorful erasers, heart-shaped notepads, ultra mini soccer balls and baseballs,sports theme notebooks, and such.

Soooooo cheap!

 I was able to buy something for every single child at the orphanage for UNDER TEN DOLLARS! Yes, that is $10 spent for 100 children! Can't beat that!

Heart-shaped erasers, at about  3 cents a piece!

So, I think I'm going to become an obsessive bargain hunter. If I can find savings like every week before I go back, I'll be so happy! I can see how serial shoppers get addicted to bargain hunting. I've never been much of a shopper, but that has changed since my last trip to Siberia. If I can find inexpensive items I can afford to buy for the kids, I  get a feeling of utter elation.

Little notebooks for the boys at less than 5 cents a piece!!!!

So my new weekend hobby will be ultra-bargain hunting for the kids. I know, I know, my financial priority right nowmust be Daniel's adoption. But I vowed years ago to always give at least 10% of my earnings to charity. (Last year I managed over 25%! ) But, c'mon folks, who could find fault in my spending just $20-30 a week on these types of little gifts for the children? It's almost a waste of money NOT to buy them! I know how happy they will be at receiving these little gifts. It is a very small price to pay to witness their joy.

And did I mention that my gently-used 'American Girl Doll' Drive is coming along? These dolls are so well made, they will withstand years of wear and tear at the orphanage. Several people tried to caution me that I wouldn't get any donations as the dolls are so expensive, but here are the ones I've received so far! I can fit a dozen in my suitcase. And there are exactly twelve girls between the ages of 7 and 10. I hope to hand deliver each of these into their arms next month:)

Finally, I am cooking up a plan that you could be a part of! When I hosted Dasha through NHFC, they had this amazing project where families could fill a gallon sized ziploc freezer bag with goodies for a particular child, and they would hand deliver it and take a photo. Of course they did this as a fundraiser & charged a hefty fee, but I'm not a non-profit (yet!) and I would simply do this as a way to both help the kids feel special and give anyone out there reading this a chance to connect with a child and do something special just for them!

I plan to leave between February 26th and 28th, if all goes well. If you'd like to fill a bag for a particular child, let me know and I will send you my address. You can fill it, label it, and send it to me through the mail, and I'll see that it gets to your child. I'll post details in a week or two. I'm guessing I can fit 20-25 gallon bags in a large suitcase.

Nite everyone. I've got piles of adoption work in front of me! This blog break is over!

The Quiet

I'm a little sad that my desire for writing is on the back-burner right now. I'm sure it has much to do with my current maddening work schedule. I'm a bit in over my head, but doing my best. I have done this job for 22 years, but for the past two it has gotten much more difficult to make it through a week. Yes, I know that the strain of teaching such a physically and mentally draining subject to 240 middle schoolers sounds like a nightmare to most of you...lol...but I have loved it all these years. In fact, I still love it.

But my body doesn't.

I'm at one of those crossroads that we all meet in our lives at some point, where our bodies do not keep pace with our desires. Once that auto-immune disease showed up on my doorstep ( unannounced and unwelcomed, I might add), things changed rather quickly. But I fought it. I wasn't ready to change horses. I wasn't ready to slow down. At all!  But one of the great things that comes with age is wisdom, and I am learning that lesson we all have to learn at some point -- that we are not invincible, and our strength will not be something we can rely on indefinitely. There comes a time when the body says " Slow down! I need you to slow the heck down!" My time just came a bit earlier than most. And my poor body has been saying this for two years, and I am finally having to listen.

The good news is that this change is happening fortuitously at the same time that my heart is moving in another direction, vocationally. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. No, I ADORE  my job. But it has come to my attention that the parts I love about it have changed. It is the interaction with the children and teens that I adore. It is the helping and healing part of theatre that I can't live without. It is that sense of " making a difference" that keeps me going. But many other parts of my 20-plus years career are not exciting me anymore. I keep hearing this voice calling me further down the road. I ignored it for over a year, but the voice is gaining clarity and I'm thinking I need tojust take a leap of faith and see what is out there.

I announced to my students and their families that I would be taking a sabbatical from teaching Shakespeare after this summer. They didn't take it so well. I even had a few tearful kids that thought I was "quitting" contact me and beg me to change my mind. I'm not quitting,  but I don't have a good answer for them on what the future looks like after this summer. I'm scared to let go of my livelihood, but the message I'm getting is that I will not have room for what's coming in if I try to play it safe. Changing horses mid-stream will seem downright insane to many. I'm sorry for that. Some have already told me I'm 'an idiot' for thinking of moving on right when I'm about to bring another child into my home. I apologize for upsetting your vision of my apple cart! But I need to do it. And I'm getting plenty of signs from You Know Who that this is His plan.

God has been carving this immense quiet out in my head. It's breathtaking. I seem to spend more time praying  and meditating than even sleeping & working lately. I experience this brilliant communion with Him that I have waited my whole life for. There is a deep 'knowing' that everything is as it should be, and that I am headed in the right direction. I don't think I've ever felt this much clarity in my life. I give much credit to my time in Siberia. It was and continues to be the most life-changing , heart-inspiring, soul-cleansing experience of my entire life. Can't wait to go back.

So what do I see happening? not sure. I can tell you that I am stepping over the threshold of a new chapter of my life. That's for certain. I can tell you that I'm not 'an idiot' and that I see this transition as a slow one, taking many years until I am completely devoted to another vocation. But I am moving in that direction. I'm heeding the call. I don't think I'll ever have Rebel Shakespeare completely out of my blood, but do I think I'll be running it five years from now? no. I don't. Do I think it will carry on and still make magic in this neck of the woods? Oh yes. Definitely.

So, anyway, that is my sharing for today. I want to go back to my quiet. I'm so loving my hours of prayer every day that I have to laugh at myself. It's pretty extreme, but I know it's only here for a season, so I might as well enjoy it. Maybe it's getting  me ready for something. Either way, it's nice to have this extended time of quiet in my heart and soul, and this amazing peace, and the sense of God's hand resting on my head. My external life is anything but quiet at present, but when I close my eyes and fold my hands, I am gone from it, and in His lap.

How wonderful. How wonderful we are so loved.