Without Words

I am without words these days. I have struggled these past few weeks with what to post. I've been straddling two worlds -- in one I am quite joyful and very much at peace, and in the other my sorrow at being separated from those I love is holding me hostage.

I like to be inspiring. I like to uplift others and give them a reason to feel joyful. So, when I am struggling myself, I find it difficult to share it. It's not pride, and it's not embarrassment. It's that I simply hate bringing other people down or adding to the unhappiness in the world. And it's ok -- I have my God to turn to. I don't need to share it per se, but I feel guilty not explaining myself. So I'll try.

I'm feeling very pensive and sad these past few weeks. I miss Anya. I miss D. I miss all the kids at the orphanage. And, if I'm perfectly honest -- I miss Dasha a whole lot, too. My thoughts circle to each of them throughout the day. I think of times I shared with them, I pray for them, I imagine what each of them are doing in this moment in time. And I cry.

I'm waiting for the sadness to lift, but it hasn't. I'm not wallowing, and I'm not being overly sentimental. I simply love them so much and so deeply that being separated from all of them at once feels like I'm missing a limb, or a good chunk of my heart. It probably doesn't help that Nastia has been away this week.

So, my question is, what does God want us to do when we miss someone this much? What are we to do with the pain? I lay it at His feet. I ask Him for peace over and over again. But, as for right now, the pain still stays. It actually feels like a heavy rock lodged in my chest. It's stuck there and I can't seem to get it to move.

So, I may not blog much for a bit. I don't want to fill the air with empty words. I don't want to speak just because. When my heart feels on fire again, I'll write. For now, I am guessing God is calling me to silence, inward and outward. But I hope He speaks soon.

Blizzzzard Photos.....Brrrrrr

We got walloped. I couldn't even get out my front door for the life of me. I had to sit against the inside of the outer door and push and push. After twenty minutes of this activity, on and off, I made enough headway to squeeze out!

The photos are grainy because all I have is my phone:

I gave up shoveling the walk pretty quickly. The snow was all the way up to my hip and that is way to much shoveling for my liking!

Yes, for those of you with a keen eye -- my house has been repainted. It used to be a weird pumpkin color that I actually ended up really getting used to. The landlord had it repainted while I was in Siberia. It's kind of a blue-grey, but looks more purplish in person.

Because my  house faces the end of another street, the wind whips down through that thru-way and always causes drifts in the front. Look at this one by my front window...yikes! to give you perspective, if I am standing on the ground, my head is level with the bottom of the window.

This lovely snow sculpture is my mailbox. I'm still wondering how that tiny finger of solid snow grew on it:

I managed to dig out one stair so the mailman won't break his neck, but I got tired pretty quickly. Here is a very forlorn looking me resting on the one cleaned-off stoop:

Believe it or not, I'm headed back out now at sunset...trying to make a dent in getting my car extricated. I climbed on top of the drift and dug my way down to the front license plate, but the rest is rock solid. I've decided to wait for the shoveling-fairy to make his rounds....

Meet One of My Very Favorite Bloggers!

One of my favorite blogs has nothing to do with Russia or orphanages or adoption. It is written by a delightful woman in her 80s named Lorrene. I love reading her accounts of life during the depression and her early struggles as a new war bride (at 17 years of age!).

Do yourself a favor and add Lorrene to your list. There is a sweetness about her I just can't describe. And funny, boy is she funny sometimes! This is Lorrene at 8 years old. I love this photo:

Lorrene, hope you don't mind I shared this photo!

Here are some of my favorite Lorrene posts. Do yourself a favor and check them out:)

My Long Sad Tale
Not to be Published...
Pearl Harbor Day
The Day The Lights Came On

A Blizzard! Woo Hoo!

I guess I'm giving myself away as a lifelong New Englander when the word "Blizzard" in the news makes me jump for joy. I love winter storms -- the bigger the better. The Blizzard of '78 was, of course, my all-time favorite. Everything came to a stand-still, and we kids took over the neighborhood. We had tunnels criss-crossing our streets, as no cars could travel on them. We built magnificent snow forts, and igloos and complex tunnels from one yard to the next. It was heaven. I remember neighbors taking sleds and walking the many blocks to and from the nearest grocery store. I remember my Dad building fires in all our working fireplaces. We didn't have school for what seemed like a month. It was as if the whole world took a vacation. I'll never forget it.

So, I didn't know about this current blizzard coming until I read everyone's status on facebook. Everyone in my vicinity, anyway. So, I trudged upstairs and turned on the tv begrudgingly ( Nastia is away, so I am revelling in no tv for a week!). Lo and behold, there is our governor announcing the storm of the season -- 70 plus mile per hour winds, and -- in my area -- 20-24 inches of snow in one fell swoop! I'm only a few blocks from the ocean, so that means two things: maybe an inch or two less snow that they'll get inland, but probably a LOT more wind. There goes my rickety fence!

I'll keep my blogger friends updates as the storm settles in. My dogs are already giddy -- they can feel the storm coming. I need to go find Nastia's camera so I can take photos with something other than my phone.

Happy Blizzard Fellow New Englanders! If you haven't run out for an extra shovel and flashlight, this is your last chance!

Nastia enjoying the last big storm - 2008

Heard From Anya!

It was brief, but it was very positive! Anya wrote on my facebook page today and said she is good and has everything she needs, and that she loves and misses me. What better Christmas gift could I ask for? ( Besides her being home, of course!)

Before we left Russia I set up a facebook account for her and showed her how she could leave messages for us. So glad I did! She loves to look through my photos on facebook, and it's easier for her to feel connected to us with facebook rather than simply email. She even posted on my mom's wall!

I know she doesn't find internet access often, but I'm so grateful that she took the time to write me when she could!

OK, back to adoption paperwork:) Nastia is in Florida with my entire extended family for Christmas. We'll have our own little Christmas when she gets back in a week.

Happy 'Day before the Night before Christmas' Everyone!

PS: If you know that song, then you are dating yourself! The only people I have ever met who know that song are a select few born in the 60s or early 70s!

A Week of Highs And Lows

Quite a bit happened this week, and I realized I don't often post about anything but the orphanage anymore! So, here's a quick peek into our week -- the good and the bad.

Hurting - I'm still so sad about my friend who hurt me. I keep praying to accept it, but I'm still so very sad. I forgive her -- that was the easy part -- but I am still so confused about her behavior and she has chosen not to respond to me. Nastia is devastated by it, and I hope you'll pray for us. We need healing in this area.

Healing - Being able to witness from afar how perfectly Dasha fits in her host family brings me incredible joy and healing from our grief at not being able to adopt her. We spoke to Dasha last night, which turned out not to be the best thing. But it shed light on the fact that she did attach to us, which means she will surely bond with this family, and my greatest hope is they will decide to adopt her. The host mom is incredible. I love her. And I see her love for Dasha and, honestly, do not feel any jealousy as I thought I might. I just feel sooo grateful that she ended up in such a loving, caring, awesome family. We won't be speaking to Dasha again like that  for the near future ( if at all)-- it was too painful for all involved -- but I do get to keep in touch via photos and messages from the host family. God, I thank you for that!

Hoping -- I feel like I am performing a balancing act -- waiting for news on the host program, waiting for news on Anya, waiting for my call to get fingerprinted for my USCIS forms, waiting for a delayed paycheck to arrive so I can buy some Christmas gifts for Nastia...But all this waiting means hope is in the air. With so much to hope for, something is bound to go right, don't you think?

Honoring -- God, that is. A miracle occurred this week. I can't give many details, but I don't think the person will mind if I share the basic facts. A woman recently stumbled upon my blog ( I'm guessing  she googled Kemerovo.) Anyway, she had adopted a child from that region and found out at court  that there was an older sibling. (Sound familiar? That is how I found out about Anya!)  She immediately inquired about the child but was told she could not have contact. (Again, sound familiar?) Well, she did searching of her own and found him on the Russian database but it only showed the child to be in the Kemerovo Region. She was stuck. Until this week! She found my blog and saw a photo I had posted that looked EXACTLY like the child she had found on the database. Could it possibly be her child's brother? She contacted me, and a string of emails ensued. She gave me all the info & I contacted the Director of Orphanage # 5 and guess what?

IT IS HIM!!!

They are interested in adopting, and are preparing a package to send him as we speak! Is this not a miracle??? I'm telling you, I have been praying day and night that God would make a way for these children to be adopted. But I never imagined it would be via such  miraculous means! Amazing!

These Kids Want A Family!

I feel compelled today to remind everyone who reads my blog that the children you are sending gifts to have one gift they desire more than any other -- a family. More than half of the children at orphanage #5 are currently available for adoption.Why aren't they being adopted? Many reasons, but the primary one is that they are not babies. Adopting an older child is not for the faint-hearted, but I cannot imagine anything more rewarding in life than giving a home to an older child.

I am not in the adoption field, but I do want to do everything in my power to advocate for these kids. As you can imagine, many of them are very jealous that D is being adopted, and wonder why no one has come for them. Are you the person they've been waiting for? Are you willing to do what it takes to bring them home? Here are a few random things you absolutely need in order to adopt:


1. Infinite Patience: it can take as little as four months but as much as a year or so (longer if complications occur) to bring a child home. It depends on so many factors that it is impossible to gauge a time frame. But isn't a child worth the wait?

2. A Lifetime Commitment : Older children come home with many problems. They are damaged and hurting and it takes a great deal of time for them to heal but again, isn't it worth the time and effort? I know my daughter was and is. You cannot adopt these children expecting gratitude from them. You need to be the adult who leads them to healing. You cannot give up on them. Ever.

3. A Loving Heart : And by love, I mean the action word. You need to have enough love to put someone else first. You need enough love to say goodbye to your former life and welcome a whole new type of life in -- one of sacrifice and some suffering. (Sorry, need to be honest here.) You need to be willing to make this child your life's work, the work of your heart. You need to be willing to let go of expectations, and just allow that child to move at his or her pace in healing. It can take a lifetime.

Of course there are other practical requirements -- You need to be healthy, you need to make enough money to qualify, but that's fairly easy. I only made $30,000 a year when I adopted Nastia. You don't need to be married (I'm single) You do not need to own a home (I don't.) You do not need to be rich (I'm not.) You do not need to even have a college degree. ( I do, but not everyone who adopts does!)

If you want to adopt, and you meet the above criteria, you should adopt. Plain and simple. Too many people let either the financial concerns or the fear of the paperwork get in the way. It's hard, I won't lie. It took me five years to save the money to adopt Nastia. Five years. Filling out the paperwork was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life (I'd rather climb Mt Everest, to be honest) Having ADD made it very difficult to get through all the documents, but I did it. Slowly and painstakingly. You can, too.

Don't let age be a deterrent either! In Russia you can adopt well into your fifties, as long as you are no more than 45 years older than the child you are adopting. Meaning, I can still adopt children ages 5 and up . But Latvia has no upper age limit! My friend Jama is adopting a 14 year old right now, and she is 61! ( Hope you don't mind my sharing, Jama!)

Here's the thing -- I truly believe that there is nothing more urgent and important in this world that finding homes for orphaned children. These are real flesh and blood children we are talking about. I met them, held their hands, wiped their tears, and listened to their desperate pleas for families. I met hundreds of them in Russia, and yet there are millions more throughout the world.

Lives matters. Souls matter. Christmas presents, houses, ipads and ipods, vacations, jewelry, fancy clothing, spa visits, -- Do NOT matter!

AT ALL!

Every extra dollar you spend on things you don't need could be making a difference in the life of a child. Strike that -- it could be the difference between life and death for them. Truly - life or death.

Can't adopt? Why not give to someone's adoption fund? I plan on committing a monthly donation to adoption funds once I get D home. Why not commit to raising a specific amount for a family that wants to adopt but needs a little leg up financially?

Here are some of the kids waiting at Orphanage #5. They are even 'advertised' on the new orphanage website. They are waiting, waiting so very long to have someone to love them enough to climb that mountain for them.

C, outgoing and curious

V - kind, generous and thoughtful.

D and A ( not related, just in same photo)

R, a firecracker, and lots of fun!

Pray for these kids. Advocate for them.

Tell people about them.

If you can't adopt, try sending them monthly care packages or letters. It may be a pain to translate a letter into Russian from one of those online programs -- but it's not impossible. I do it at least once a week.

Want to adopt but don't have the funds? There are countless organizations that give grants to help. There are also amazing organizations like Reece's Rainbow that make adopting down syndrome and special needs children very affordable. If money is your excuse, throw it out the window. It is a flimsy excuse. If I can adopt as a single mother in this economy, making under $40,000 a year, you can. Start saving now! Hold yard sales, bake sales, have an online auction, sell things! I'm currently selling things on craigslist and it may end up paying for half of D's adoption costs! Look around your house -- you'll be amazed at what you find you can sell!

Ok, I am stepping down off the soapbox. But I'm not saying I won't get back up on it very soon :)