They Called! And More Great News

A social worker from DSS finally called about foster care! Of course I didn't get the message until today, so I have to wait until Monday to call back. And of course this call comes right before the start of one of my busiest months of the year! Anyway, I'm happy. I'm really excited to start the training and see what God has in store for us as a family!

And more happy news: My friend J and his partner R have decided they are ready to start a family through adoption! J and I have been friends for 25 years, and he and R have been together for ten. They want to get coffee this week to pick my brain. Where they live is a bit of a trek for me, but a place I love. I'm excited to make an adventure of it with Anastasia. They live almost RIGHT on the ocean in Gloucester, MA. You can see all the fishing boats from there house.

They are going to be wonderful parents!

Mommy, Do You Like Me?

This is the question my daughter woke me with today. She has asked me this same question every day for at least a week. Though I'm not sure why she asks, I treat each time as if it is the first. I never brush it aside. This morning we played out a ritual of sharing we have done so many times. But I never tire of it....

'I like you and I love you and I ADORE you,' I answer, 'You are my everything! You are the best gift God ever gave me.'

'But do you really, really like me?' she seems suspect of my answer.

'I like you and I love you with all my heart and soul, and I don't know what I would do without you.' I remind her again.

'But I was your second choice.' She knocks me over with this one.

'What do you mean?' I ask.

'You didn't want me first, you wanted some other little girl named Katya. You didn't choose me first. I'm kind of like chopped liver. '

First I need to calm myself before responding. (And try not to laugh at the 'chopped liver' comment) It is so upsetting to me to know she has been carrying this thought around in her head for so long. I take a deep breath.

I explain how badly I wanted to be a mom. I explain about signing with an agency and knowing she was out there somewhere. I tell her about all the letters and journal entries I had written about her over the years. I told her about the empty spot in my heart.

'But you had a room set up for another girl. Not me.'

'I had a room set up for my daughter. I did not know where she was coming from yet, but I knew that God knew.' I reminded her.

I told her the story she already knew -- how the agency had sent me a referral for a little girl named Katya from her orphanage. How I had been told I would be bringing her home at Christmas. I told her about how the trip was cancelled at the last minute because Katya's birthmother that came back into the picture and wanted to bring her home again. I told her about trusting God, that He knew all along that Katya was not my daughter, but was only the way He would bring my true daughter home to me.

'But I was still second.' She insists. 'You just took me because you had to.'

And then I remind her of the agency sending me referral after referral after Katya. I remind her of my looking at the countless photos and knowing that each beautiful child they sent me photos of was not my child. I tell her of the two year old boy with wispy hair and of the rosy-cheeked eight year old girl, I tell her of the dark haired toddler and the curly blond haired girl of seven. I tell her how I prayed each time a referral was sent to me, but none answered the call of my heart.

'until you.' I remind her.

'Why me?' She knows the answer. She has heard it a hundred times. But I delight in telling her even if she needs to hear it a thousand more.

'Because before I even saw your photo, or even read about you, my heart knew. Because when they told me there were no referrals left in that region, my heart told me they were wrong. You were still out there, and I begged them to check once more. Because when they finally called and told me they had found one last referral left in Prokopyevsk, but that she was out of my range -- over twelve years old -- I still knew it was you. And then, when they sent me your info and I read about you, my heart lept. And when, later that day they sent your photo and it slowly loaded on Grammy's computer and I saw your eyes for the first time, a light filled my heart. I knew you. I recognized you. I don't know how, but I did. There was my daughter staring back at me, for the first time.'

'I love you mommy.' she says and squeezes my face to hers.

I love you, too, daughter of my heart. More than words can ever say.

(Photo: Anastasia, March 2005. A week after I met her for the first time.

Taken by another adoptive parent who was visiting the orphanage.)

100

Annie posted a challenge. And, as I'm always up for a new way to procrastinate doing laundry, here it is! You are supposed to put in bold the things you've done from the list. Annie added comments -- I will too!

1. Started your own blog ( umm, kinda obvious?)
2. Slept under the stars (many times!)
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Gone rollerskating
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train in Russia and the US
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset over the Grand Canyon
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (not unless you count a Boston Harbor cruise..lol)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (Ireland, yes!)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Acted in a play or performed on stage (my life's work!)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit
59. Visited Russia (3 times)
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching ( you'd think, living on the ocean...but no!)
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar (yuck... does it count if I spit it out?)
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London (sadly, about 30 times...)
77. Broken a bone (my nose, 3 times)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (that I edited, yes, four..but not written...yet)
81. visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible (and Koran and Upanishads and..)
86. Visited the White House (in 1978)
87. Won money
88. Had chickenpox (age 1)
89. Saved someone’s life (one who was choking & two suicide attempts)
90. Sat on a jury (a big kidnapping trial...it took months!)
91. Met someone famous (Truman Capote, Ted Kennedy, Judi Dench, Sir Ian McKellan, Angelina Jolie, Maggie Smith, Vanessa Redgrave, Ralph Feinnes, Mark Rylance,to name a few!)
92. Joined a book club
93. Had to put someone you love in Hospice Care
94. Had a baby (can't, unless by divine intervention)
95. Seen the Alamo in person (and I'd want to because...?)
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit (sadly, yes)
98. Owned a cell phone (just since June 08!)
99. Been stung by a bee (over 30 times...long story)
100. Read an entire book in one day (many times!)

Whoa! I like this list! It makes me seem so....cosmopolitan! So, how about you? If you do this challenge, link to my post!

2009: The Year of Joy and Buoyant Exuberance!

I decided to give this year a name so it could get to work on all the good stuff it is going to be bringing us! It's hard to function without a name, right? So welcome to the year of Joy and Buoyant Exuberance. Don't ask me why -- I just took a breath and asked for wisdom on what this year should be dedicated to, and that's what came out!

I noticed alot of fellow unschoolers have been dropping by my blog and even following (thanks!) So I thought I'd give a really quick nod to our unschooling life as we enter this awesome new year.

We're new to unschooling. I've read all there is to read about it. ALL. But living it is much different, and I'm still finding my sea-legs. Anastasia, on the other hand, has taken to it like a duck to water. She is thriving. And she is happy.

So what do our days look like? That's really hard to say, because each one is very different. It might be a morning at the beach that leads to an interest in sharks that leads us to google images that leads us to the discovery channel. It might be a day of cuddling on the couch watching three movies in a row. It might be Anastasia coming to work with me, hanging out with my newest class. It might be volunteering at the animal shelter, walking the dogs and cuddling the cats. It might be going through old family scrapbooks and learning about those who came before us, which may lead to wanting to know more about a certain era in history.

So each day is a blank page and our imagination and curiosity fill it up.

If you're an unschooler visiting my blog, what do your days look like? What is the best unschooling day you've ever had?

Happy Almost New Year!

First, thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. Puck is home and doing well! The vet said she did very well and that he is confident it was a very successful surgery. When I brought her home last night, I laid a small towel over her incision to keep her from licking it, and then she slept on my stomach the whole night. I was pretty stiff in the morning (lol), but it gave me peace of mind to keep her that still and relaxed all night. Anastasia was a trooper, letting me sleep in my room for the first time in about a year, and checking on us throughout the night. She stayed in her room with Tink, her new kitty. The poor dogs were stuck alone in the livingroom.

Today Puck seems a bit more herself. I got a better look at the incision, which is much larger than I expected, but not bad. She has about a six inch scar and lots of stitches, but she doesn't seem to be in much pain. She can't jump up or down for a few days, but she meows to let me know she wants to get down to the floor to use her litter box. Today I spoiled her with attention again, and stayed with her most of the day, and she seems to instinctively know now not to touch the stitches.

Any kind of crisis with the animals always brings out the best in Anastasia. She loves being a nursemaid, and gets into a very serious caretaker mode. Today she shoveled the walk without my asking, and fed all the other animals ( again without asking) and became much less demanding of me while I tended to Puck. If this were a person I were caring for, I don't think it would be the same reaction. For some reason, her jealousy does not extend to animals or babies..lol. Anyway, it has been a nice break from her usual need for constant attention. I know it will be back full force in a few days, but I'm enjoying the mini-vacation!

So...Happy New Year to everyone. I'm going to type up my new "Coming Into My Life" list and post it over my desk tonight. Then Anastasia and I will watch the ball drop on tv and toast with her favorite sparkling grape cider. In many ways I'm sad to see 2008 go. It was a good year for us. But I'm also open and excited to what adventures, epiphanies and experiences 2009 holds for the two of us. Oops -- make that the six of us!

Happy New Year from Keri, Anastasia, Puck, Henry, Matilda, and Tink!

A Post In Which I Interview Myself

So, Keri, we read that you've been feeling sad lately. Any progress on figuring out what that's about?

Yes. It was pretty obvious actually. I don't know how I didn't perceive it right away. I found out a few days ago that my cat (Puck) has cancer and it was triggering all kinds of fears about losing her. I took her into the vet's at 7:30am this morning for surgery. I was sobbing so much that they had to put my into a room with her right away. I really was a sight, but hopefully they will forgive me. I adore my kitty.

How long have you had Puck?

Over twelve years. I wrote about her here and here. She sleeps in the curve of my neck every night. She has been my comfort and solace through many losses and hard times. She is wise beyond her years, and I'm not just saying that for effect. She really is smart; even people who dislike cats comment on her intelligence and sweetness. She is a really remarkable being.

How are you coping today? What are you doing to keep yourself busy?

Well, Anastasia is giving me lots of hugs and kind words, even though she has a friend (T) that slept over last night. I'm going to go out to lunch with my friend Darcy, and then I'm planning to go shopping for a new oven since ours was ruined in a fiery mishap last week. Then I'll take the dogs for a long, long walk on the beach and have a good conversation (bargaining session) with God while I'm walking. Then, if I still have time to kill, I might actually clean the kitchen. Anything to keep my mind and body occupied. If I just sit home and do nothing, I'll be a wreck.

Do you know what kind of cancer it is? What is her treatment going to look like?

They think it might be soft tissue sarcoma, but they won't know for sure until they do a full biopsy of the tumor. The results will be back on Friday. Then they will tell me what grade and type it is. My hope it is grade one, and that she does not have to have radiation. I'm not sure if I could put her through that. I'll keep you posted.

Can we do anything to help?

Yes! Please pray for my little kitty! If you aren't the praying kind, please picture her surrounded with light and love. I'd be very grateful.

I'm Missing Something Today

...but I don't know what it is. I feel this longing, a deep longing and sadness for something but I really can't put my finger on what it is. I feel like I am maybe missing some Utopian alternate life that has never really existed. I feel nostalgic and bittersweet and like a darkening cloud is encircling me and my little world. It's like that feeling of missing home when you are little and far away from the things that are familiar. I'm sure you know the feeling.

Anyway, just setting that down on paper, so to speak, takes the edge off. Time for a long, self-indulgent walk in the woods I think...