Transitions and Nightmares and Hugs...Oh My!

Anastasia had a nightmare last night. It's been awhile, but I knew it was coming. Whenever we approach a new transition, the nightmares come: Start of school? A week of nightmares. End of Grammy's visit? three days of nightmares. Vacation coming up? One nightmare and counting.

Next week Anastasia and I head to Florida to visit my mom and two of my brothers. Nothing delights her more than going to Florida, but the anxiety of the transition there is always really tough for her. The first sign of trouble is the mania. Lots of silliness, laughing, goofing off. Then a need for extra cuddling on the hour. Finally, the nightmares. They are always the same theme: the orphanage, physical abuse, and my abandoning her.

This one bears the telling, as some of you might have insight into what is going in in that little head. Ok, in her dream, she was back at the orphanage and the staff was chasing after her and trying to beat her. She decides to hide outside, and stands still in a garden, pretending to be a plant. The staff runs right by her not seeing her, but there is a very old woman sitting on a couch outside in the snow. She has a lamp there, too, but no walls or anything. She lives outside. She stares at Anastasia for "hours" and finally Anastasia can't be still anymore, and takes a breath. The old woman sees her and says " Ahh! I knew you weren't really a plant!" Anastasia is terrified that the woman will tell the staff about her, but the woman says she is very lonely and if Anastasia will be her friend, she won't tell the staff her whereabouts. Suddenly I am there at the orphanage, and Anastasia runs to me crying saying she missed me and hugs me tight. She thinks she is going home, but then I tell her I have things to do, and I leave her there and fly home alone. Somehow the staff come back, and she runs and hides in the orphanage basement, curls up in a corner and sobs. She wakes up crying (in real life) and calls to me...

Of course I listen and help her to process it. I remind her that she is never going back to the orphanage, and that I would never leave her. She asks me to hug her really tight. She says "My awake mind knows you would never do that, but my sleeping mind still thinks you could."

Then, out of nowhere: "Mom? Am I a bad person? I feel like a bad person on the inside."

"What makes you feel like a bad person?" I ask.

"I don't want to visit Anya in Russia. I'm scared. I don't want to see her again until she is living here. It's too hard. I'm a bad sister."

Now, we have no immediate plans to visit Anya. We simply don't have the funds right now. But somehow, I think this trip to Florida is connected in her mind with not going to Russia.

Then she adds, " Mom, I think part of this dream was about baby Ariella. I let my heart love her and then she was gone. I don't like that feeling. It feels empty in my heart. I think that old lady in my dream is me wanting Ariella back."

So, Ariella gets mixed up with Anya feelings that gets mixed up with Russia feelings that, in turn, are somehow connected to Florida (travelling, I guess.)

I hold her and run my fingers thru her hair and we talk and talk, and hug and hug, until she finally seems regulated. Suddenly, she is ok, and goes off to work on her puzzle. At the door, she turns to speak to me:

'Mom, just so you know, if I die in that plane crashing on the way to Florida next week, I love you more than anything in the whole universe."

Well, we obviously still have more to work through.

The World As Our Classroom

As you know, school has been a rough ride for Anastasia. For whatever reason, it causes her huge anxiety which nothing will relieve. Even with medication nothing changed. Yes, some of it is due to the trauma of abuse she suffered at school in Russia. School was not a safe place. In fact, some of her most vivid memories of abuse are from school. One example: She was beaten pretty badly once for stealing food from the school kitchen. Children from the orphanage were not allowed to have school food, as there was no money for it. They did, however, have to watch all the other children from the village eat at school. But they were expected to wait until they returned to the orphanage for dinner. She told me one day she was just too angry and too hungry to wait, so she snuck into the kitchen to steal what she could. She was caught and not only beaten, but reported to the orphanage, where she was beaten a second time.

Anyway, I'm sure you can see why school is considered unsafe territory. Believe me, I've tried. Her teachers have tried, the guidance counselors and social workers have tried, certain teachers have gone above and beyond trying. Still, she is full of anxiety every time she walks thru the door, and no interventions, medication, supports, or modifications have worked. So, we find ourselves homeschooling/unschooling again. It is astounding how open she is to learning when she is in what she considers a 'safe environment' -- home. She is a voracious learner when she feels safe and not on guard. Her favorite thing to do is make up math problems that are too hard for me to solve, so that she must teach me the answer. She learns well by teaching. She especially loves to learn about different cultures.

In late February I have a long break from teaching - four weeks off. We have been discussing what to do with this time. The other day I presented her with the idea of travelling to a place she'd like to learn about. I would want it to be a working/learning vacation -- not just a sit-on-your-butt kind of thing. She surprised me with a wish to go to Africa! We began researching volunteer abroad programs for families and found a great one that a friend of mine has used before. We started learning all we could, and contacted them for more information on their Tanzanian program. It is three to four weeks long and includes working with infants at an orphanage, going on safari, staying with a Maasai tribe for a few days, climbing Mount Kilimanjaro (part way), and even a side trip to Zanzibar. Anastasia was very excited to learn that she was old enough to volunteer and could work in the local orphanage. She loves the idea of helping out with other orphans in some small way. So, we are seriously looking into this. I've travelled a great deal, and Anastasia has been to Germany, France and the Czech Republic with me, as well as a return trip to Siberia. She is an excellent traveller and has no problem roughing it. In fact, all of her best qualities seem to come out when we travel.

Of course, the only issue is money. She has saved close to $2,000 in the bank, but I need to find a way to come up with $2,000 more. If I take on just one more class per week, I should be able to manage. Plus, I'd be motivated to save for such a trip. I'm great at cutting corners, so I'll just do more of that. I'll keep you posted on our plan. I definitely want us to go somewhere in that block of time. If Africa is her first choice, I will find a way to make that happen. I've always wanted to go, but I never though she'd be interested. I also never imagined it'd be affordable, but doing a service program cuts out the cost of hotel, food and transportation! I'm excited! Tanzania is a gorgeous country, and I have a good friend who used to live there. If you've ever been there, let me know!

Birth Parents

Anastasia is fortunate to have contact with her maternal grandmother. We found her, along with Anastasia's sister, back in December 0f '05. In April '06 we met her, and she gave us this photo of Anastasia's birthparents. Alex, her birth father, holds baby Anya (Anastasia's older sister.) Oksana, her birthmother, holds a small bouquet of roses. This was taken the day they left the hospital with their firstborn, Anya.

I feel so lucky to be able to have this little part of my daughter's story. Just seeing her in their faces is a gift. She has her birthmom's eyes and nose. She has her birthfather's lips and hands and coloring. I can't help feeling a great sense of loss when I see this photo, too. Although they are not smiling in the photo, I imagine the hope they must have felt bringing Anya home. I know they did not envision what was to happen two years down the road. Sometimes when I look at this photo, I weep.

Anastasia gave me permission to post this photo for three days. She said she wants my online friends to see it, but she doesn't want it there forever. So, here is the photo. It will be taken down on Saturday.

[PHOTO REMOVED, SORRY!]

Thank you Alex and Oksana for choosing life. Thank you for the gift of your girls. I know it is not the life you planned for them, but in your greatest suffering, my greatest joy was born. I am grateful to you for eternity. May God bless you and keep you. I so look forward to the day when we will all be reunited together, and I can embrace you both and share with you all the joy your daughters have brought me. You have my forever gratitude and love.

Cutting Corners and I Spoke Too Soon...

I spoke too soon! I do have time to post before Sunday!

If you are wondering who that is a photo of, read on:

Turns out one of my classes got cancelled today and I have the afternoon free! In about an hour Anastasia and I are going out adventuring (meaning we have no plans except to have fun.) But I have an hour free to read and post!

So, an update is in order. I know I am not the only one struggling financially. It's a tough year. We all need to cut corners. Well, we are absolutely doing that around here, and I thought I'd share some of those changes with you, for inspiration --in case any of you are in the same boat!

Like Lisa over at The Grateful House, we have kept the heat off or extremely low. We are relying on blankets, sweaters and socks. But we are determined to look at the bright side of it all! It's fun to cuddle up at night with my daughter, with four blankets, two dogs, one cat and spare socks :) We could see our breath this morning in the room! (Our house is not insulated...gulp). But it was fun to stay cuddled while we waited for the tea to boil. The dogs have a penchant for sleeping on our feet, so that's a big help! I am also caulking all the windows and doors today, so that will cut down on the heating bill, and we have turned down the water temp a bit...every little bit helps!

As far as food goes, we have started shopping only at the discounted market. I hate it there because it is always so crowded, but we are trying to weekdays so it's not too bad. I cut out Starbucks...a big deal for me. I do have a few free Starbucks coupons, but I'm going to save those for moments of desperation. No more junk food and desserts either. All our food money is going towards healthy stuff.

I've also just switched all our prescriptions over to Target. I feel really bad about that, because I love my local apothecary, but I don't have a choice. Case in point: Anastasia's generic brand celexa is $32 a month. At Target? $4!!! I've also cut out our monthly chiropractic care (saves $70 per month), renting movies (about $20 per month), fancy pet food (saves about $25 per month), dry-cleaning (saves about $20 per month), expensive hair and body products (back to suave for everything :), cancelled all magazines (I used to get Russian Life magazine, Real Simple, Adoptive Families, Nick Jr, Mothering, and British Magazine) This should save me about $150 this year, I'm guessing. I also emailed every catalog I get to us purged from the list - no use tempting myself! The only exception I'm making is Pottery Barn, only because the pictures inspire my decorating. I've even cut our voice mail and all extras on our landline phone, and I'm not sending Christmas cards this year! ( That is hard to let go of...)

Lastly, and the biggest change...we are getting a roommate! My friend Rhiannon is in need of a place to live for awhile, and we are in need of a roommate to help us cut costs. Anastasia is really excited about it. Rhiannon (Rae to us) is one of a handful of friends who isn't overwhelmed by her. In fact, she's really wonderful with her. It is a great arrangement for both of us. I get the benefit of Rae's influence - she is kind, helpful, intelligent, creative, resourceful, and...vegan! And she gets the benefit of living with people who love her and will welcome her just as if she were family. She is just back from the Peace Corps and is finding Boston a very difficult place to secure a job. In our area, there are still many jobs available. Plus, she will be going to school right down the street from my house. (She is getting her masters in mental health counseling.)

So..if you have any other ideas on how to cut corners...let me know! By the way, some things I won't be cutting out:

care packages to Anya in Russia
phone calls to Anya in Russia
the occasional chocolate bar
my favorite lotion
Pomegranates and avocados. (Though they're expensive, they are Anastasia's favorite foods!)

How are you cutting corners?

PS: Did you figure it out? The photo is of Rae, our new housemate :)

I'll Be Back Soon!

My work schedule has gotten insanely busy, so I'm finding very little time to post! This will change after next Saturday, but in the mean time, I doubt I'll be able to post. I didn't want any of you wondering what happened to me. If you actually are disappointed I won't be adding much here in the next week, feel free to browse thru my 2006-o7 archives, as I'd added many posts there recently that were on another blog site. I'm closing that one down and consolidating everything.

Anyway, in the meantime, be well -- and feel free to comment on past posts! I really enjoy hearing your thoughts. See you soon! Happy Reading!

Tag, You're It

I'm very late with this, but I got distracted by this nasty stomach bug and just plain forgot! I was tagged last week by Diana at Gold to Refine. And I'm finally getting to it - sorry Diana!

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules.

2. Share seven random or weird facts about yourself.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post with their links.

4. Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

So here are my 7 weird things, though they are not weird to me:

1. I talk to trees (usually telling them how wonderful they are) on my daily walks & sometimes hold them while doing so (if no one is around.) I can feel their gratitude.
2. I saw a fairy when I was ten years old. It was amazing.
3. I used to hear incredibly beautiful songs in my dreams as a child, and then I'd sneak down to play them on my piano at three or four in the morning. I still can play some of them.

4. I have kept detailed journals since I was ten and still have every last one.

5.I love the smell of my dog's feet. I do not know why.

6. In 1991, I lived in a medieval castle turned convent in England with a group of nuns, and briefly considered joining their order.
7. I always have to put lotion on the bottom of my feet before standing barefoot on a rug. If I don't, it hurts my teeth! ( I know this maybe borders on 'too weird', but try having to live with it!)

I now tag:

1. Lisa, my online kindred spirit. We haven't met in person, but feel like we've known each other for years. She is an amazing woman. go read her blog if you haven't. She has a RAD daughter just like me!

2. Holly, another online mom I admire for her deep deep love for her sweet sweet butterfly girl!

3. CJ., a cool and awesome RAD mom who has waaay too much in common with me..lol.

4.Matroyshka, who lives my dream life up in Maine with her beautiful daughter Jupiter.

5. JenMac, a blogging mom I just discovered and LOVE for her honesty.

6. Torina, the RAD mom I aspire to be like. Her blog cracks me up as often as it makes me cry.

7. Queen Kristina, whom I found thru Torina's blog. This girl cracks me up so badly, I need spackle after reading her posts.

Go visit their blogs. And girls, get writing!

100 Alternatives for Young TV Junkies

First, thanks for all the well-wishes! I think I am on the mend. Spent the whole day in bed again(with frequent trips to a certain other room in the house...) I won't burden you with the details.

So....onto the subject of this post:

As I mentioned, Anastasia has been a tv junkie the past few days. She knows I've been incapable of monitoring her 'intake'. This afternoon, as I was starting to feel better, I suggested she try to break away from it a bit. "Mom, there is nothing to do! Plus, I'm not good at anything." she whined. She's an expert whiner. I took the chance to remind her of this fact. "See?" I said, "You're good at something. You're the best whiner on the eastern seaboard. That's got to count for something."

She made a grumpy face, but then couldn't help giggling a little.

I decided to drag out the list I made her two years ago. It's a list I made for just such a time like this. If I tell her things she can do, I get every excuse in the book. But if I hand her this long list, sometimes it actually inspires her a little. Here is the list. It's not actually 100, but it does the trick:

100 ALTERNATIVES to Watching Television

1. READ a book!
2. BAKE cupcakes!
3. PLAN a a picnic!
4. MAKE water balloons!
5. START a gratitude journal!
6. GO to the library!
7. BUILD a fort
8. LEARN sign language
9. START an indoor garden!
10. TAKE a bike ride
11. USE your roller blades!
12.PAINT a picture, or wood or a rock…
13. GO on a walk
14. CREATE a book from scratch.
15. WRITE your sister or grandmother or someone far away a letter
16. PLAY with your puppy, TEACH her tricks
17. LEARN a new song
18. PLAY your drum
19. GO to the beach
20.PLANT a tree
21.VISIT the nursing home down the street
22. START a dog walking business
23.VISIT Celeste or Sharon, or any other neighborhood girl
24. CLEAN your room
25. MAKE UP a song
26. DRAW cartoons
27. TAKE photos in the neighborhood
28. MAKE a movie with your video camera
29. COLLECT state quarters
30. COUNT all the change in your piggy bank
31. TRY ON costumes from my giant costume storeroom
32. WORK ON your scrap book
33. ALPHABETIZE your dvd collection
34. BRAID your hair into a million little braids
35. MAKE UP a dance to your favorite song
36. WRITE THE PRESIDENT @ The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C. 20500.
37. Make a NATURE SCULPTURE by collecting shells, rock, sticks, and pine cones and things from around the neighborhood. Use glue to create a unique sculpture with it.
38. Make JUICE BARS. Easy to do with just toothpicks & an ice tray! Experiment with combinations of juices.
39. Cut out interesting pictures from magazines and organize them into the illustrations for a BOOK YOU WRITE.
40. Learn the NAMES OF TREES all the trees in our neighborhood. Or better yet, give them names yourself!
41.Make a "Family Map". Hang up a large world map and place stickers on places where all our cousins and aunts and uncles live.
42. Set up a cozy OUTDOOR READING CAVE. ( or indoors if its February..lol) Use cushions, pillows and blankets from around the house.
43. Make FAERIE ICE CUBES by freezing an ice tray ½ full and then adding edible petals (lavender, nasturtium, roses) Cover other 1/2 with water and freeze hard.
44. Make ICE HANDS by filling latex gloves with water and closing them with rubber bands. Put them in the freezer & Pull off the gloves when frozen. ( don't like them, just stick them on the front lawn & watch people laugh)
45. COLLECT ACTUAL STARDUST at the beach. Drag a strong magnet along the beach. About 20% of the nickel and iron particles collected on the magnet are bits from meteors.
46. Make your own PLAY-DO. Combine 2 cups flour, 1 cup salt, & 2 tsp cream of tartar. Pour 2 cups warm water, 2 tbsp oil, and 1 packet Kool-Aide in a pan and add the dry ingredients, mixing well over heat on stove for 3 to 5 minutes. Remove from heat when hard to mix and knead while cooling. Store in airtight container.
47.Make PAPER "FAERIE" LANTERNS to line the front walk. Decorate the outside of lunchbags and roll down a 3" to 4" cuff. Put several inches of sand in each bag and a votive candle.
48. Build a FAERIE COTTAGE out of twigs and things.
49. Create a SCAVENGER HUNT in the house!
50. Make your own puzzle out of a photograph or big painting you made.

And here is what Anastasia ended up doing today after reading this list:
~She made a 'time capsule' and hid it in our attic space for future tenants.
~She made fried potatoes but cut them into the shape of letters that are in our names.
~Finally, she found an old bottle with a stopper. She cleaned it out, and then wrote a letter and put it inside. She then called my friend Carmel and asked her to drive her to the lighthouse so she could throw it off the cliff into the ocean. And she did!

Now share some of your ideas!