‘What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men …… That is what love looks like.’ - St. Augustine

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Sometimes We Don't Get Answers


This is one of those times.


I've reached the point of not crying anymore. What's the point? It serves no purpose to cry and scream and shake my fists at God. If I'm learning anything this summer, it's humility. It's learning that our humanity is indeed very limiting.

I have lots of New Agey-type friends. I used to lean that way myself. People who swear we are gods in our own right and that tapping into that power, or connecting to 'all this is' is as easy as turning on a light switch. Know what I've never found? I've never ever found someone who has been to Hell and back who believes those things. The people I've met in life who have seen the worst (like the Holocaust survivors I know, or the friend who watched her entire family be murdered in front of her, or the girl I taught who was raped and tortured and beaten by her father for years, and who, when she finally told, was forced by him to eat her own dog) - these people, these miraculous beings who looked Evil in the face and lived to tell about it -- these people, whether Jew or Christian or something all their own, accept and understand their own limitations and reach upwards to a God who promises to stand by them even when they feel it not. Each of them accepts that we truly do not have any power of our own accord. If we did, those horrible things would not have happened, because we would not invite or wish them into our lives.

I have not survived a holocaust. I cannot fathom what it would be like to see my family murdered before me, but in my own relative circumstances, I have been living my own little version of hell for awhile. And I am here to tell you that platitudes and positive thinking cannot clear a mind and heart of such darkness. A little darkness? Sure. But a great big, unfathomably deep and all penetrating darkness that seems to pummel us in relentless waves? No. 'Happy thoughts' are not going to fix that kind of thing. It takes something greater than ourselves.

And so, in this never ending journey of pain and suffering with Anya, I have only two choices. I can to cling to hope and trust in all the other instances that God has proven His love for me (and there are sooo many) and wait for His answer to come...even when it's been 6 years of waiting so far. Or, I can throw my hands in the air, turn my back on God and Anya, and walk away.

I'm sure you know which one I've chosen every day of these past 6 years.

Anya is not well. She had a third emergency surgery, today. Her lung infection is worse. There is talk of amputation. I cannot even pretend to understand why she suffers so much and why I continuously am put in the position to not be able to help her. Yes, I am also fully aware that I am getting the lion's share of bad luck this summer. And no, I do not know why. But I do know this: God is ever and always pushing us towards a greater good, if we have placed our lives in his hands. I may not see the point of the suffering, but I don't have to. My job is to persevere and to trust and hope. Its not easy. In fact, some days its downright impossible. But the impossible is nothing to God.

I've gotten so many emails and phone calls and messages offering advice on how to cope with this. Some say 'stay positive and picture her here!' - sweet sentiment, but unhelpful. Some more religious friends say ' Look inward and see what unconfessed sins might be to blame.' Sorry, my God doesn't work that way. Others say 'maybe it's time for you to move on...you've tried for so long and it doesn't look to be working out.' To them, I say ' what a sad, sad world you must live in, to think abandoning someone is EVER an option.'

No, I'll put my trust in Him who has proven his faithfulness and love to me time and time again. So what if its not happening in my time frame? Who am I to question? 'Be still, and know that I am God.' Great advice all those thousands of years ago, and still great advice today.

I do not know when or even IF Anya will come home to us. I do not know when or IF her suffering will end. but I know this: God loves her, and if He loves her, He will not forsake her. And that is why I have hope in the face of so much uncertainty and suffering. I believe in a God -- a Power Unimaginable -- that formed and sustains this world with LOVE.

LOVE.

So, while all those around me tell me what I should be doing and thinking and feeling, I'll be banking on LOVE.

LOVE sits with Anya tonight while she undergoes her operation. LOVE guides the hands that will operate on her. LOVE knows her and loves her and keeps her. That is all I know, and all I need to know.

30 comments:

  1. Keri, you are my hero. Keep the faith, which I know you will. Much love, Mo

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  2. Don't pay any attention to those who try to tell you differently that what you know is true and right, Keri. God is love. God is faithful. God is powerful. God does things in HIS time. "My ways are not your ways, says the Lord."

    Sending thoughts and prayers, for you, Anya, and Nastia. Stay strong!

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  3. Keri, I feel for you. I am sending love and strength to you and Anya.

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  4. I'm glad you've updated and so sad Anya is not yet doing better and for all the other trials going on in your life (and with loved ones). I will pray. Don't forget about St. Jude!
    MariaG (Canada)

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  5. My love goes out to you. My prayers include you and your sweet girls. Thank-you for sharing your amazing testimony of a God who loves us, each, individually. I learned that myself with trials of my own. I felt God holding me, as I am sure is holding you and Anya now. I have come to the conclusion that the Lord does not give us trials to demonstrate our faith or strength or to punish, but to invite us to draw closer to Him.

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  6. AMEN, sister! I'm finally catching up. Oh my, dear friend. I will keep you and Anya and Nastia (because even though you don't write about it, I know she's struggling) in my prayers.

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  7. Just keep doing what you are doing. In your heart you know what is right and how hard you will fight and continue to fight for Anya. Don't let comments of others color how you approach this very difficult time.

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  8. Keri, I love you. :) The path of suffering leads us closer than we ever thought possible to our Heavenly Father. I do not pretend to understand it. I only know that I KNOW that God's ways are not our ways, and that HE is good; He is loving; He cares for us and sees what is best for us. His timing is perfect in every way. Today we see in a mirror dimly, but soon, we will see clearly, face to face. Rest dear sister in the Lord.

    When you described Anya's injury the very first thing I thought of was amputation. I probably thought that because I am a mom to 2 amputees. It is normal for us. Just to offer words of comfort.... It is NOT the end of the world. In fact, it may be an answer to prayer for her walking again. If you need any information on this subject.... (I pray you don't) then ask away!

    Here is a link to our Sarah dancing....She is an amputee who has hand differences, and a repaired club foot on the other side. I LOVE the words to this song and believe it will minister to you tonight.
    Loves to you.

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  9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5ZZLOD38j0
    OOPS, here is the link. :)

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  10. Keri, this post is beautiful. In my world, I value hope above almost every other quality - and the hope that you carry with you shines through loud and clear. You and Anya and Nastia remain always in my thoughts and prayers!

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  11. When I was dealing with my struggle of infertility, I heard many terrible, terrible platitudes. What I needed to hear was "I'm so sorry, and I'll pray for you" with maybe a "God is good and I pray He'll comfort you" thrown in.

    So, I'm so sorry! I'll pray for you to our Good God who can comfort all who are hurting.

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  12. There is NOTHING that will comfort you when you see someone you love suffer, especially when you are unable to prevent it. Our own compassion as human beings teaches us that. If I learned nothing through the death of my firstborn, I learned that. You are holding fast to your faith and by doing so you are bolstering the faith of those around you. Just know that even if you don't know how the pain and frustration you are going through is bringing light out of darkness...just know that IT IS. That may be cold comfort to you right now as you must be thousands of miles from Anya and what she endures, but its not meaningless.

    Your strength, and what you have shared honestly and openly about your pain, Anya's pain, and your struggle, have helped me. That doesn't fix Anya, and it doesn't close the gap of miles between you, but I hope it is something for you to hang on to at least a little bit. No matter how this turns out Keri, you have played a role in keeping my faith alive.

    I really wish there was something I could say that would help you endure what you must, but I don't really have any magic words. Just know that Anya matters.You matter. Your pain matters. And as one mother to another, your refusal to give up on Anya matters.

    Love,
    Sheri Turner

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  13. Your constant love for Anya is a real example of what Christ wanted for us. I am amazed at all you have done, and am sure that your efforts, even if they haven't succeeded so far, have been a wonderful source of comfort for both Anya and Nastia.

    I hope that her recent injury will turn out to be a way out for her.

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  14. And unbelievably powerful testimony. Thank you for sharing it. My faith has grown today because of you. I am praying and praying for your whole family.

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  15. So, so sad, and heartbreaking, Keri. I just don't understand...and I don't know what to say. But I am sad for Anya (and you - wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug!) and will continue to pray for you both and hold out hope that someday I'll read about her happy ending.

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  16. My dear friend, I don't comment, but do read and pray for you and your girls, along with so many others. Like Job's friend, the one who first chose to sit and not open his mouth to ruin things, I sit with you as you wait. I wish I could do more. I wish I could change the circumstances. But, like you, I know God is with her. And with you. So I sit and mourn with you in this moment, not understanding, but knowing a God with wisdom I can't comprehend. (((hug))) and prayers.

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  17. Keri - for you:

    "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)

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  18. Keri, what an AMAZING testimony. I love this post. Everything you said resinates deep in my soul. I know I don't know you in real life but I feel like wrapping my arms around you and THANKING you for this today.

    My prayers are continuously with you and Anya.

    Kim

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  19. I don't know you, but understand your journey. We have been waiting 3 years next month to bring home our son, Micah. May God bless your dear family. "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." -Hebrews 10:23

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  20. Keri,
    So many confuse miraculous with magic. God is not magic; faith is not payment in advance for getting what we want. Belief is easy when you agree with the result.

    I so respect your solemn commitment to the deep and often challenging ways of genuine faith. It is not a journey for the faint of heart! The fruits, however, are rich and lasting.

    I pray for you and ALL your family the continued manifestation of God's unfathomable love; may He send his angels to ease Anya's suffering, speed her healing, and soften the hardened hearts keeping her separated from you. May you rest in the deep wellspring of God's love, and may you have the strength to stand securely in His love regardless of the details of circumstance which surround you. You may stand singularly, but you do not stand alone.

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  21. Amen to your post Emily ... I can so relate and totally agree.
    Keri ... 'still praying. When you can please update.
    MariaG (Canada)

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  22. Anonymous7:11 PM

    AMEN. Amen, Amen, Amen.

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  23. I've been camping in NH for the last week so had no access to the internet (darned mountains) and I'm just now catching up on your blog. My heart just breaks for you! I will continue to pray for Anya, and for you of course!

    Although our wait to bring Harry home was "just" four years, I do know a little about what it's like to just be frozen in time. Seemed NOBODY understood why we continued to persevere! They didn't understand that we claimed him in our hearts the first time we saw his picture! GOD will see you through this!

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  24. P.S.

    I'm in MA as well!

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  25. No answers, but praying to the ONE who has them on your behalf.
    On the humanitarian front, did you try Sinai Hospital in Baltimore? They coordinate many international trips for children needing severe bone surgeries. They might know who locally could help get her needs covered and medical treatment coordinated sounds like she needs trauma experts more than ortho (however, amazing experts at the Rubin Sabin Orthopedic Institute there!)

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  26. You and Anya are in my prayers. God is good and kind and I believe He is watching over Anya.

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  27. Keri,
    Do you have an update on Anya and what is going on?

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  28. Keri,

    No words are adequate at a time like this. Just know that I read and "listen" and I support everything you do and if I could, I would go and bring Anya to the U.S. right now. Your response to this situation is totally justified. And your decision to lean on God is what will see you through. I have a bunch of cliched things I could say right now that I believe to be true but no one, especially you, wants to hear that. Sometimes the cliched, "churchy" responses just don't cut it. And that's perfectly acceptable. In fact, that's what relationship with God is about-not being satisfied with the same old, mundane but expecting bigger things. Continue to pray and don't give up hope.

    Melissa

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  29. Keri, I wrote our congressman about Anya's situation. They simply said that there is nothing that can be done.... have you heard anything different???????

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  30. Thinking about you today, and hoping above ALL hope that something had transpired since I last checked in. Looking forward to an update...and hopefully one with good news, too. {{Hugs}} and prayers!

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